Reborn from Cataclysm
by Cowoline
Summary: Post Dragon Age II. Our heroes have fled Kirkwall. Marian Hawke must once again live a life on the run as well as fight for the freedom of her lover and sister. F!Hawke/Anders/Bethany/Fenris. Bioware owns the characters and the world.
1. Chapter 1: An End

_**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the Dragon Age universe. The world the story takes place in as, well as the characters are owned by Bioware. **_

An end

As their eyes meet, she began to realize the intense beating of her heart. Everything was quiet and the pounding became almost unbearable. Thinking over and over _"Don't make me kill you. Don't make me kill you. Please...". _ As these thoughts began to coincide with the rhythm of her heart, she struggled to breathe. It seemed like hours had past when the pounding pain was replaced with relief as Cullen lowered his sword. She turned around looking at Bethany, with a small smile of comfort, as they went down to the Gallows Harbour.

As the ship left the harbour she grabbed the railing and took a deep breath.

"So where to now, Hawke? " Varric asked while checking Bianca for scratches. She turned around to face her companions.

" We have to get out of Kirkwall and fast. Cullen has given us some time, but it won't be long before they will have to pursuit us. Isabela, will you allow us to escape on your ship? You don't have too. I will not force any of you to participate in anything that will further endanger your lives and freedom."

"Of course you can, Hawke. I need a crew anyway. If you can live with a ship low on liquor and covered in mustard coloured satin, that is?" Isabela responded with a smile.

"Thank you… Now if anyone doesn't want to come I need to know now. I will not blame any of you if you do not wish to come."

Aveline looked at Donnic unsure about how to respond. "We can't stay here, love." Donnic responded as he rapped his arm around his wife and she nodded in responds. " Serah Hawke, we would like to join you."

"I will remain at your side as well." Fenris responded as Hawke looked at him with anticipation.

"You are going nowhere without me, sis." Bethany smiled.

" Bianca would be heartbroken if we where to leave you. Besides I would have to find another inspiration for my stories." Varric laughed.

Hawke looked at Merill, who looked concerned. "Merill, it's alright if you want to come. I will not be angry at you."

"I… I want to come. Unless you don't want me to. It's just… I don't know how to be a swashbuckler."

All of her companions began to laugh. Not that it was very funny or uninspected, coming from Merill, but they needed to laugh. The only one not to respond was Anders, who thought it best if he remained in the background and made his presence known as little as possible.

"Don't worry, Kitten. I will make a decent swashbuckler out of you." Isabela laughed.

"Thank you everyone. Your loyalty and trust is more than I could ever have expected." Hawke said relieved.

Anders felt his stomach turn. Every one of them trusted her with their lives as well as her judgment. He had not and he should have done so more of the rest of them. Marian had given him hope, support, trust and her love. She had shared the first real home she had ever had with him. _His _first home. Every night for three years, he had looked into her green eyes before kissing her goodnight. Held her close, while taking in the scent of her mahogany coloured hair. And yet he had been unable to show the trust and loyalty of the others. _" How could I be so stupid?"_

Hawke continued: " We will have to get supplies as quick as possible. I suggest that we divide into pairs and get our important belongings as well as food or anything else that might be useful. No one will go on their own, who knows how long it will take for someone to come after us. You will have one hour from when we get to the harbour till we meet up at the warehouse where Isabelas ship is docked. Agreed?"

Her companions nodded and she continued: " Bethany, you will come with Anders and I. There might be something of mothers you would want."

As the ship docked they quickly ran towards their homes to get whatever they could. Hawke, Anders and Bethany ran towards the Amell estate. And while passing through lowtown, Anders felt a chill run down his spine as they passed the crate he had sat on only hours before, expecting every breath to be his last. He looked at Marian who also starred at it. Her eyes glistening with tears she was only just holding back.

"I-I hope we don't meet Sebastian." She whispered desperately trying to keep herself under control.

As they approached the estate they could hear cries and screams of desperation coming from the Chantry courtyard. Anders felt himself unable to breathe as he felt a wave of guilt wash over him.  
_"It was justice! It was in the name of the greater good! This will ensure mages freedom!... This means that someone like Marian will never have to run again. They will never feel the pain of losing their siblings to the Circle. They will never be threatened with death for loving a mage... for loving us." _Justice argued.

"_She didn't have to run anymore. If it wasn't for us, she would never have to do this again."_ Anders replied as he felt his heart break a little.

"_Her children will likely be mages and she would have been on the run just the same. This means that one day she will be able to stop running... for good." _ Anders looked at Marian as she opened the door. _"I hope your right."_

"Messere, you are safe. Sandal and I were beginning to worry. What is going on?" Bodahn asked as they entered the estate.

"The Mages and Templars are at war. You and Sandal will have to pack quickly and get out of Kirkwall. Can I persuade you to take Orana with you?" Hawke responded while running up the stairs.

"Of course, but what about you and Master Anders?"

"The less you know Bodahn, the better." Anders replied patting him once on his shoulder as he went into the library to get the most important books of magic and those he knew were important to Marian.

Bethany followed her sister upstairs.

Hawke was already throwing clothes into a bag as Bethany came in.

"Here," Hawke said as she gave some clothes to Bethany. " you might look a little suspicious in that robe." Bethany quickly changed.

"Now go to that dresser you should find a small brown bag at the bottom."

Bethany took out the bag and heard the sound of glass. She looked inside to find a variety of strange potions, salves as well as a lot of rations and bandages.

"What are these?" She asked looking at her sister.

"They are potions I required from The Black Emporium almost a month ago. Some can make your hair grow faster and alter your appearance in other ways. Useful when on the run, don't you agree?"

"You have been planning an escape?"

"As Meredith became more vigilant in hunting apostates, I knew I would only be able to protect Anders for so long. Then about a month ago he started to become even more paranoid and talking to me as if he was going to die. I decided I had to make some kind of plan."

Bethany hesitated to ask.

"Did... I'm sorry, but... did..."

"Did I know what Anders was planning? No... I probably should have, but I will have to wait to ponder on that when we are out of Kirkwall. Bethany will you go to the pantry and get what food you can find? We will have to be out of here in ten minutes. We will leave through the basement."


	2. Chapter 2: Escape

Escape

As they were running towards the warehouse Hawke suddenly stopped and looked down at the dead body of a man.

"What are you doing?" Bethany asked in shock as Hawke started to carry the body and looked at Anders who responded with another concerned look. Barkley (Hawkes mabari) began to wine.

"You know, he is pretty heavy. Give me a hand here." Hawke replied.

As they entered the warehouse the rest of their companions where already loading the ship, but stared as Hawke entered with a dead body over her shoulder.

"I didn't know you already chosen a new career as grave robber, Hawke." Varric tried to joke as he starred at Hawke with worried gaze and even more so when she started undressing it.

"Take your clothes of, Anders." Hawke groaned as she was trying to pull the shirt of the body.

"Beg your pardon?" Anders replied as his eyes widened.

"Take of your clothes!"

Anders only hesitated a few seconds, but it seemed like minutes to Hawke as she finally snapped.

"I AM TRYING TO FIX YOUR MESS! Take of your clothes, NOW, or I swear I will collar you like a Sarabass and we will go back to the Chantry, where you can pick up every last piece on your own!" Hawke yelled. Normally she would never yell. She was always compassionate and even when she was in a heated argument, she couldn't get herself to hurt other people's feelings. It didn't matter if they where cruel and insulting, she would still be in control of her words and never return the pain that they had inflicted on her. But she had no patience left.

Anders did as she asked as he turned his back to the companions who were starring in disbelieve. He had thought that his heart couldn't possibly be hurting any more, but this made the pain double. Marian had not spoken to him since the gallows and now her first words had been full of resentment, pain and anger. It took all his resolve to hold back his tears as an old memory passed his mind. _" ..It would kill me, to lose you."_ And now he was losing her slowly. Was his life spared so that he could now die slowly of a broken heart? _"It is what I deserve... I am so sorry, love." _

Hawke gave Anders the dead man's clothes and started to put Anders' clothes on the dead body.

"The amulet to..." Hawke said and reach her hand toward Anders without looking at him.

It felt as if his heart had stopped beating. The Tevinter Chantry amulet. This was her first gift to him, one that he had always cherished. A sign of how well she knew him. A token of her love. Anders reluctantly gave her the amulet.

Hawke placed the amulet around the neck of the body and stood up.

"Bethany... would you please?" Hawke looked at her sister.

Bethany nodded and cast a bolt of fire and made sure that the face took the most damage. The face slowly melted away and the stench of the burned flesh and feathers was horrifying. _"Hopefully it will be enough to convince them that it is Anders. With any luck, they will believe he turned on us as well." _Hawke gave Anders a small kiss on his cheek, she felt guilty about shouting at him. She picked up bags they brought with them and went aboard the ship.

"Were to Hawke?" Isabela asked. Hawke barely knew what to answer. She hadn't thought about it... then she looked at the Gallows. All those poor mages who would be punished for Anders' crime, what if they hadn't gotten away?

"Go past the Gallows, perhaps there are people who are trapped."

"Are you insane?" Fenris growled.

"I am not suggesting that we dock, only that we see if there some who have been desperate enough to try and swim."

"You are too willing to take risks on others behalf. It will get you killed. I will not allow it." Fenris replied as he went up next to her. Hawke just looked at him, her green eyes where full of sorrow and despair. He had only ever been her friend, but he had always loved her. He had often cursed himself that he had let her slip through his fingers. His hatred of magic had been so strong that whenever she had tried to console him and show any sign of affection he had responded with anger. His rage had been so great, that he was unable to push it aside even as he had a chance of loving her. _"What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?" _How those words still haunted him! He was convinced that it was at that moment that he had lost her. Any hope of seeing her smile at him, as she did at the mage, had been lost at that very moment. Not that she had been cold after that incident, she had still been as understanding as ever. But her gentle touches of comfort and the way her eyes would sparkle at his sarcastic remarks as she laughed, had been lost.

But today he had proven to her that he was able to push his anger aside for the good of others. That he could be generous even to those he had sworn to loathe. He had been able to do it for her. He looked into her eyes again and declared defeat. _"She will be the death of me."_

"Just keep a safe distance." He sighed and turned away.

They had just gotten in to reach of the gallows when they saw a small boat filled with people. Seven adult mages, a teenager, two children and one Antivan Assasian.

"Isabela! You and your Champion have impeccable timing!" Zevran laughed.

"We just can't seem to be rid of you can we?" Isabela laughed.

"Do you want to come with us?" Hawke asked with as much a smile as she could master at this point.

"Aaaahhh, who could say no to such fine company? Perhaps this time we can get to know each other better champion, if Isabela would not mind sharing my services? Ha ha!"

For the first time since the gallows Anders went up to Hawke and placed his arm around her. He didn't know if it was wise, but the thought of someone else sharing her bed made him sick. Marian tried not to take notice of it and was unsure what to respond to both Zevran and Anders. Thankfully, Merills innocence saved her the grief, as she asked what services they were talking about and if it was mandatory to become a swashbuckler.

When they had all boarded the ship, Isabela quietly went up to Hawke who had isolated herself as she was looking at the ocean.

"Zevran would like to go to a port where he can get a ship to Rivain. I thought we might as well take him all the way to Rivain, unless you have other plans?" Isabela asked. Isabela knew that Hawke had much on her mind and would gladly take some of the load of her shoulders. This way she didn't have to make any decisions and could get some rest to sort out all of her feelings.

"That sounds like a good idea. What do you say Barkley? Want to see Rivain?" Hawke said as she looked down at her four legged companion, who in responds gave a happy bark.

"Then it's settled. Been awhile since I have seen my homeland and I will be able to get some men, who actually know their way around a ship."


	3. Chapter 3: Haunted

Haunted

Almost a week had pasted since they left Kirkwall. Hawke had isolated herself from the rest of her companions, who had been kind enough to keep a distance from her. Anders had also kept his distance from both Hawke and the others. Not that they actually where unkind to him or made an effort to avoid him. He didn't know if it was because they feared him, because they respected Hawkes decision to let him live or they had been through so much pain and sacrifice, that they didn't want more trouble. He had been the reason for all of this. He knew that Hawke would have protected the mages and that the others would have followed her through the void. He just didn't think he would have been around to see it. Had justice been done, had Marian executed him, he wouldn't have to deal with all of this guilt. When Marian was mourning the death of Carver she had said: _"Death is sometimes the easy punishment. It is far more difficult to learn to live with what you have done or failed to do." _This was his punishment, to see others suffer from his actions. Seeing her suffer.

He had watched Marian closely, be it from a distance, the past days and he could see her slipping deeper into her own thoughts. Hardly eating or sleeping. She only spoke when spoken to. Only ate when Bethany or Merill brought her something.

"She will be alright, Anders" Bethany said as she handed him a piece of bread and sat down next to him on the crate."You need to eat as well, you know."

"I have never seen her like this. Not even when Leandra died. I hate to see her suffer and there is nothing I can do. And now she is trapped here on a ship with me. A constant reminder of everything she has lost." He said while slowly sinking his head into his hands.

"I use to be angry at myself for being born a mage. For making my family suffer so. They gave up so much for me and never had a real life, all because of my magic." Anders looked up at Bethany as she continued.

"When we had just arrived in Kirkwall, I felt that it was my fault mother didn't have the life she wanted. Marian told me that she would never trade me for anything. That the constant moving and hiding from the templars, was worth every moment we laughed and played together. She reminded me that our mother would have been heartbroken if I had been taken away and no amount of safety would be worth trading our families love for."

"She finally had a life and I have taken it from her. She loved me and gave me everything and I destroyed it."

"She still loves you, Anders. She just needs time. If anyone can forgive you, it's her." Bethany got up.

"And Anders... Even though I do not agree with what you did... Thank you... Thank you for giving me the strength to fight."

That night Anders was lying in his room tossing and turning. _"Will I ever be able to make it up to her? How could I do this to her?"_

"_It was Justice. It was the only way." _Justice reminded him.

" _We have no idea if it worked. We could have had a life and a family. Everything that I thought was beyond my reach forever. I could have had it and I threw it away. Even her love."_

"_You would have given into sloth! We are justice!"_

"_Easy for you to say, you don't love her."_

Justice didn't seem to respond. Then suddenly Anders' mind began to overflow with memories. He was in the fade. Fenriels dream. The only time Marian and Justice have had a real conversation.

"You must be Justice. Nice to finally meet you." Marian smiled.

"Anders has told you of me. It's nice to feel the fade again, not the empty air of your world."

"You know people usually try to forget the Gallows when they dream, not recreating it. I do at least." She chuckled. As a rogue she had never been to the fade in a waking state.

Justice was about to give her a detailed description of the fade, but when his eyes meet hers he lost his trail of thought. This must have been some of Anders' feelings interfering with his purpose. He knew she would be a distraction, why could Anders not grasp that.

"I'm trusting you to advise me. I have never been to the fade before. Even worse I don't know how the demons will affect me." Her voice was worried. She always seemed to question herself and Justice could not decide if it was lack of confidence or false modesty.

"Of course, mortal. Come, I can feel Fenriels mind straining."

"Thank you." She took his hand and gave it a squeeze quickly letting it go. Justice was puzzled that she would show him a sign of affection. Since she wasn't a mage she probably couldn't grasp the difference between him and Anders? She must have believed him to be Anders. And yet he was Anders. Perhaps this was a concept even he had trouble grasping.

Even as their companions succumbed to the influence of the demons, she seemed unaffected by both the demons and the betrayal of her friends. Aveline and Fenris seemed to have a much stronger will than Hawke, yet she had resisted temptation. Justice looked at her with wonder and respect as she pulled her dagger from the pridedemon.

"Well, that was certainly interesting. Poor Fenris he always tries so hard." She sighed

"You pity them? They were weak and untrustworthy!"

"No, they are people with troubles and heartaches that I can only begin to imagine. Oh, Aveline I am so sorry. Seeing Wesley like that must have been heartbreaking."

"You did not fall to temptation... or perhaps the demon just didn't pick the right method of temptation." Justice spat, as he mistook her sympathy for weakness.

"Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. I can sympathize with them, but that does not mean that I approve of their actions. Besides if it hadn't been for your guidance who knows what, would have happened. I am just glad you where here." She smiled.

Justice stared into her eyes and felt that he began to understand her. What he had suspected to be false modesty was merely her being cautious. She was aware of her own weaknesses and did not push them aside as Aveline and Fenris had done. She did not give into pride and sloth. Marian recognized her weaknesses and was weary of them. This was undoubtedly the reason why she resisted the demons.

"You have done well mortal. You should not doubt yourself. But your companions will likely betray you again."

"I know you mean well, but I will rather forgive and then let myself be consumed with anger. In the end being angry will hurt me more than them. Do you think Fenris' anger is hurting Danarius more than himself? Don't worry about me so." Apparently rage also deluded her. She gave him a kiss on his cheek and Justice felt himself paralyzed as she walked away. He figured had succumbed to Anders' emotions once again. _"I told him, she would be a distraction!"_

Anders felt his heart being overwhelmed by guilt once again. Fenris and Aveline hadn't betrayed her, even when Anders thought they would have turned away. But he... they had betrayed her. His thoughts were interrupted as he heard a dog whine at his door. Anders stood up and opened the door hoping that Marian would be there together with Barkley. The dog looked at him, but Marian was nowhere to be seen.

"What do you want? I told you more than once that I'm a cat person and I don't have anything you can eat either." He stroke the dog as it kept whining uncontrollably.

"What's wrong?" The dog grabbed hold of his sleeve and started to drag. "Alright, I'm coming."

He followed Barkley up on the deck and at first saw nothing. He heard an angry sob and turned around. Marian was on the other end of the ship. As he walked closer he could see her beating herself. Slapping and scratching her face while pulling her hair.

"What are you doing?" He gasped as he ran towards her. He grabbed her by her arms and she began to struggle.

"Stop it, Marian. Stop it! What do you think you are doing?"

"I can't take it anymore! I'm so angry and it is eating me inside. This is the only way to release it... it makes the pain stop for a little while." She began to cry uncontrollably and sank to her knees. He looked at the bruises and scratch marks on her arms and face. They had clearly been caused in the past three days. If the others had notice the probably thought that they were inflicted in the Gallows, but he was a healer and knew better. _"If only I had watched her more closely!"_ He felt his heart boil with anger for not noticing earlier.

"Don't torment yourself. Beat me if you wish, but stop doing this to yourself." He gently ran his finger trough her hair and then lifted her chin so he could see the extend of the damage. He cast a spell of healing and watched the blue energy sink into her skin.

"It would not help." She sobbed. "I am angry at myself not you. I can constantly feel a battle being fought inside me. I am feeling guilty about the deaths of all those people. The people in the Chantry... the mages. I could not help you. I tried so hard and you still became desperate enough to go through with a massacre. And I hate myself for it."

"Marian. Love, I..." He began, but she interrupted him.

"And then there is another part of me. The part, that tells me that it was necessary. The part that keeps telling me that everything has a price. And they are constantly at war with each other and I cannot contain it any longer."

As Anders was about to comfort her, he was interrupted by Aveline. She was patrolling the ship tonight as the rest of them slept and had undoubtedly heard Hawkes angry sobs. If she had heard their conversation was anyone's guess.

" Hawke you are exhausted. This will have to wait, Anders. She needs some rest." Aveline helped Hawke to her feet and began to walk with her below deck. "Oh no buddy, you will have to find someplace else to sleep tonight. She needs rest... even from you." Aveline said to Barkley while patting his head. The dog howled, then ran to Anders and starred at him with big sad eyes.

"So you think you can just smooth your way into my bed instead?" Barkley gave a happy bark and started licking Anders' hand.

"Well, at least I still got one friend." Anders responded as he patted the dog on his head. He looked at Marian and Aveline. His one chance in days to talk to her, to try and comfort her, was lost. He felt his heart tighten as he wondered _"Will I ever get the chance again?"_


	4. Chapter 4: Healing

Healing

When she awoke she felt anxious, but some of her anger seemed to have passed. She looked around the room and starred at her Champion amour. _"I'll never get to wear that again... perhaps the leather can be reused."_

She went upstairs. It was night. The moon and stars where reflecting at the ocean which made it look like the sky was never ending. Fenris, Varric, Donnic, Zevran and Isabela were playing diamond back, while Aveline was reading._ "Thank the maker. If Aveline lost at cards there would be mutiny." _Hawke chuckled. Merill and Bethany were talking to the mages they had rescued from the Gallows. She noticed that one of the women were pregnant and smiled to herself as she thought _"Well, now she won't have to give up her baby to the Chantry. At least some good may come of this mess." _Hawke stood there silent just looking at them, enjoying how calm and peaceful it all seemed. Marian looked at the other end of the ship, where Anders was sitting on the deck. He had a book in his hand, but was looking at the ocean deep in thought. She had to suppress a giggle as she saw Barkley sleeping with his head in Anders' lap. He had never disliked Barkley, but didn't show any interest in the dog unless it had jumped into bed with them or tried to eat his manifesto. She stood there for minutes just watching until Barkley finally realized her presence. Barkley jumped up and in his haste knocked over Anders. He ran to his mistress and started eagerly to lick her hands.

"Hawke! About time. You have slept for almost two days." Varric grinned.

"Do you want me to get you something to eat, sister?" Bethany asked concerned.

"No thank you. I'll go get something for myself in a few minutes."

"How about a game of cards? I'll show you how good I am with my hands." Zevran laughed suggestively.

"I'll pass, thank you." She smiled and turned around. She went towards Anders, who was getting up after Barkley had pushed him.

"Stupid dog." He groaned before he looked up and saw Hawke. If it wasn't night she would have seen all the colour fade from his face. He started to speak as she hushed him.

"I love you." She tucked her head into his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"I love you too... so much." He whispered into her hair and held her. He almost crumbled with relief as she held him. For a moment all the pain and guilt he felt almost disappeared... almost.

As she pulled away from him he started to examine her arms. The wounds where almost gone, but he send another pulse of healing through her body all the same. He held her arms and felt himself reluctant to let her go. _"Please don't pull away from me. Please." _

"I miss your feathers. Doesn't feel like real hug without them." She said with a small laugh stroking his shoulder.

"Perhaps I can Varric to shoot some seagulls for me and I'll make a new coat." They looked at each other laughing, then her gaze turned serious again.

"I'm going to need some time, Anders. I know you are hurting, but I don't have the strength to comfort you. I need to resolve all of these feelings. I meant it when I said I would stay with you, but I need time."

"Let me help you. Let me comfort you, love." He looked at her with a soft gaze trying to conceal his desperation. _"Please let me comfort you. Please let me help. Please let me hold you until you feel better."_

"No... This is something I need to do on my own. I can't tru..." Marian stopped herself and gave him a peck on his cheek. She turned around and walked towards Bethany. _"She doesn't trust me anymore. She is suffering and I'm not allowed to help her. Oh Maker... I'm a monster. First I corrupted my friend and now the woman I love."_

Later that night Anders lay in his bunk trying to sleep when Justice made his presence known.

"_We shouldn't have gone with her."_

"I am tired of you telling me that she is a distraction. We accomplished our goal with her help. She has payed the price for our cause. We can't abandon her."

"_It would be better if we left in the next harbour."_

"She is an asset to our cause! Argh! Why do I even bother? You don't appreciate anything anyone does."

Anders mind was again influenced by memories chosen by Justice. It was a sunny day four years ago. Anders was in his clinic writing his manifesto and had worked tirelessly for days. There weren't a lot of patients at the moment since there was a lot of season related work for the refugees. He must have been working for hours when Marian showed up with a basket in her hand. She stood in the door smiling.

"Hawke. What are you doing here? You are not sick I hope?"

"No, I'm fine. I have a surprise for you, but you will have to come with me."

"That's sweet of you Hawke, but I am in the middle of..."

He didn't get a chance to finish before she held up a hand to make him stop talking.

"I know. Bring a pencil, your manifesto and some paper and I am not taking "No" for an answer."

Anders smiled and despite Justice's disapproval he did as she asked. They walked for about half an hour outside Kirkwall. Marian still wouldn't say what they were going. They went up on the top of hill were they could look out on the ocean. She took out a blanket and laid it on the ground and sat down.

"So?" Anders said with a smile. He was getting a little uncomfortable. He wanted to do something like this with her, but he couldn't be with her no matter how much he wanted to. He felt himself torn between sitting down to kiss her and running away.

"Don't look so suspicious. I am not going to throw myself at you." She laughed

"You have worked so hard lately and I just wanted to thank you for it. Since Bethany has been locked in the Gallows... I mean... it means a lot to me what you are trying to do for mages. But..."

"But?"

"Sometimes you seem so focused on the current state of things that you forget the outcome your goal. So I thought you could work outside today. Feeling the freedom you want every mage to have. I thought it might inspire you. Remind you of what you have already achieved."

Marian smiled tenderly and Anders felt his heart skip a beat. How she could make every fibre of his being quiver by simply smiling was something he never understood.

"That's why you asked me to bring my manifesto?"

"Yes. Don't worry Justice I will be quiet and let you work. Oh, and I know part of you are still getting use to having a body so I brought some fruit and bread. You need to eat you know." She chuckled.

Marian had a way of switching between calling him Anders and Justice depending on what parts of his personality she was referring to. Anders could never decide if he liked this or not. She saw him as what he was, to minds in one body. It was a relief that she seemed so calm about it, but it was also a constant reminder that he wasn't the man he once was. That he had become a man that couldn't have her even though he loved her.

It was a pleasant day, they didn't talk much, but instead Marian let him work while she read a book. For the first time Anders could enjoy her company without Justice complaining about the distraction. Justice appreciated the sentiment.

The noise of someone running in the hallway distracted Anders from his memories and then it knocked on the door. When he opened the door one of the circle mages was looking at him with a very apprehensive look.

"Are... are you a spirithealer?"

"Yes, has someone been hurt?"

"Well... it's Laura. She is pregnant, but now she is sick."

Anders quickly put on some clothes and followed the man to the quarters where Laura was. She was very feverish and fatigued. This was not something that just happened, she must have been ill for hours. Anders began to worry if it was too late.

"Why didn't you come for me sooner?" Anders asked very annoyed and concerned. However the look the male mage gave him made him wish he hadn't. There was clearly a lot of fear in his eyes and Anders understood. You would have to be desperate to go to a murderer for help.


	5. Chapter 5: Small miracles

Small miracles

Is there any better way to wake up than being licked in the face by a mabari?

"Eeeeewww... down boy. I'm up! I'm up!"

Barkley jumped up and started to scratch by the door. It was still very early, but Marian knew better than to ignore a mabari. She put on a pair of trousers and a shirt. She opened the door and was surprised to see Barkley not running towards the deck, but further down the ship. She quickly followed and Barkley stopped at two circle mages standing in the hall.

"What is going on?"

"Laura is sick. That Anders fellow is inside with her now."

The door opened and Anders came out.

"Marian! Thank the maker. I need one of you to get me some towels and water and one to get Bethany."

The mages quickly nodded and ran off. Anders told Barkley to stay outside and gently pulled Marian into the room. The pregnant woman, Laura, was lying on the bed twisting and turning in agony while the sweat almost poured from her body.

"Is she in labour?"

"No... she has preeclampsia."

Anders looked at Marian with a very serious gaze. He didn't have to tell her how bad it was, she knew him to well. She could feel herself shivering as she looked at Laura. There are many different ways to fight for survival... many reasons, but this one seemed more terrifying that even a lyrium infused Knight-commander. If Anders couldn't help her he would be heartbroken. He would do anything he could, but it might not be enough.

"How can I help?"

"I need to perform a caesarean. The child shouldn't be born for another month. The chances of either surviving are… small."

Anders voice croaked. There had been so much death and loss these past weeks. Marian stroked him along his back and tried to comfort him.

"But if we do nothing they both die. I have faith in you, love. If anyone can save them you can. What do you need me to do?"

"I need you to sharp a knife. When you are done cleanse it in the candle over there and pour the strongest liquor you can find over it. When Bethany gets here she will have to do her best to keep Laura asleep and I'll need you to give me things as I ask for them."

Marian nodded and did as he asked. She looked at him examining Laura and could see all the tension in his body. To think that she might have killed him. She had even considered it when Sebastian threatened to kill innocent people in order to get to Anders. If she had not followed her heart and let him live, this poor girl and her unborn child wouldn't even be given a chance at life. Anders was so full of contradictions. An abomination that looked like a man. A murderer that saved lives. A man full of passion and yet had such restraint. There was only one thing that was constant about him. Something you couldn't deny. Everything he did was done in a desire to do good.

Bethany finally came and Anders instructed her, what to do. She cast a sleeping spell on Laura, but since the pain Anders was about to inflict on the poor girl was great, Bethany would have to keep all her concentration to sustain it. When Anders started to cut, Marian had to look away. All those battles, so much blood and torn limbs, but this she couldn't stand to see. Perhaps it was the nerves. Usually she would be in the middle of it protecting the lives of others and her own, but right now she felt useless. A spectator to a struggle between life and death, were she could do nothing to change the outcome. She snapped out of it when Anders asked her to get one of the towels. He placed the small baby boy in Marian's arms and send healing pulses through the boy and he gave a sigh of relief when baby started to cry. Anders asked her to leave the room. When Marian stood outside the room one of the mages said that she could stay in their room next door.

She sat down on the bed with this tiny child in her arms. She had **never** held a baby in her life. There was only three years between her, Bethany and Carver so she couldn't remember what they were like as babies. When they had been in the company of children Bethany had always been the one to take interest. In Kirkwall she had only been near children while in Anders' clinic and since he was the one taking care of their injuries she didn't interact with them. And now here she was left alone with this small, innocent life that was totally depended on her. Marian sat completely still afraid that if she moved the little boy would break. What she wouldn't give for a couple of angry qunari at this very moment. As the child began to whimper Marian desperately hoped that some sort of maternal instinct would take over. She took his tiny hand in hers and began to hum a lullaby Leandra had song to her as a child. She almost felt guilty as she thought to herself _"Please let the mother live. I have no idea how to take care of you if she doesn't."_

Bethany came in smiling at the sight of her sister humming to the infant. Marian had never disliked children, but she protected, she didn't cuddle. When they lived in Lothering children would come to Marian if they were in trouble and to Bethany when they wanted attention. Bethany felt her heart saddened as she looked at Marian and the baby. Would her sister ever have a family? Would she?

"Bethany? Good... could you take over here? I have no idea what I am doing."

"You seem to be doing just fine. I need to get back to Anders I just came to give you this bottle."

"Where did you get this?"

"From the mother of cause."

Marian cringed as she felt herself blush and getting more uncomfortable. Bethany chuckled slightly.

"People would never guess how shy their champion is. Seriously, killing people... not an issue. Touching another person's body in order to get food for a child, that's disgusting?"

"Sorry... How is she?"

"Anders is doing what he can. He has closed the wound, but her body is still feverish and infected."

Once again Marian was left alone with an infant she didn't know how to take care of. She gave him the bottle and was surprised how easy it seemed. When the boy was feed, she lay down on the bed with him next to her. When she opened her eyes Anders was sitting on the edge of the bed just watching them.

"It suits you." He smiled.

"Are you kidding? I feel totally and completely lost. I am so afraid I might break him and I have no idea what to do if he cries."

Anders couldn't help giving a small laugh as he heard the desperation and concern in her voice. His smile reached his eyes when the child had captured some of Marian's hair between his fingers and wouldn't let go.

"He seems to like you all the same."

"How is she?"

"I think she will make it. She is asleep for the moment and needs to rest the next few days. We might need to take turns caring for the baby until she has recovered."

"That's good. To think she will be able to be free and keep her baby. I hope they can find somewhere to hide from the templars and be safe... So little one... I wonder if you are a mage?"

Marian mused and smiled as the boy grabbed her finger in his little hand and yawned. Anders felt a sting in his heart as he looked at them.

"I'm sorry, Marian."

"For what? You just saved not one, but two lives. Why would you have to be sorry?"

"I always wanted you to have a normal and happy life. You have sacrificed so much for my sake. I want you to know that if I could, I would have done anything to give you the family and life you deserve."

"I didn't go into this blind, Anders. I knew what it meant to be with an apostate. I knew the consequences and I honestly doubt I would make a good par..."

And as if it was an order given to a mabari the child started to cry. Marian looked helplessly at Anders who picked up the child and sat with him quietly in his arms. Marian sat up placed her head on Anders' shoulder and wiggled her finger in front of the baby, hopeful that it would stop crying. After a few minutes the child began to calm down and fell asleep.

"See? Batty dwarfs, deranged templars and insane bloodmages, that I can handle. Children? Total loss."

"Well, it seems you have forgotten to tell our little friend here how incompetent you are." Anders chuckled as he turned his head to kiss her hair.


	6. Chapter 6: Identity

Identity

It was a sunny day and there was a light breeze in the air. The last two days almost everyone had helped to take care of the newest crewmember. Varric had told stories of the champion to the now three children. Funny how well Varrics story made the baby fall asleep. Better than any lullaby. Merill and Bethany had fawned over him at any given moment, while an older female circle mage had taken it upon herself to make some clothes for the baby. Anders had checked on the child several times a day to make sure that there weren't any complications. Donnic and Aveline had started talking about children and had even argued about names. Isabela would have nothing to do with the children and just kept her distance. The funniest thing had been Fenris. He had just sat there with the baby and looked at it. Not saying any noises or words, but the baby seemed so at peace. _"Great! The broody tevinter elf is better with children than I am."_ Marian had joked, but the truth was that she and Bethany had taken care of the baby at night. It had become very easy very fast and Marian was surprised at herself.

Marian went to Laura's room and knocked on the door. She was asked to enter and saw Anders was there checking up on his patient. The male mage, that had gone for Anders that night, was there as well holding the infant. Marian felt like she was intruding and quickly said as she was about to walk out the door again.

"Sorry to disturb I wanted to see how you were."

"Thank you. You have all been so very kind. Please stay" Laura smiled. The mage went to her, handed her the baby and kissed her hair.

"I'll let you get some rest now, Laura. I'll come back later."

"Thank you Keanan."

He went out the door and closed the door behind him. Laura looked at both Anders and Marian as she began to speak.

"I wanted to thank both of you. You have done so much for me, especially you Anders. I know what you did back in Kirkwall, but for this I will be eternally grateful."

"It was nothing." Anders had trouble meeting her gaze. No matter what he did from now on he would always be the mage who blew up the chantry. Despite of all the good he had done or would do in future. So many lives saved, but his legacy would be death and destruction. One act that cancelled out any good deed he had done or would do.

"No it wasn't nothing. It is everything to me... I loved his father you know. He wanted to change the circle and was part of the Libertarian fraternity. They made him tranquil six months ago. I knew when I became pregnant that I couldn't keep the child and it broke my heart. But when they made him tranquil the pain got worse. I might not have my love, but I have my child, my freedom and a future. I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for you two."

"You are welcome. I hope that all of this means that in the future all mages will have the possibility of a real life." Marian smiled. She couldn't help, but think of her parents. Had they felt the same way when they ran away, when she was born? Anders smiled and turned away. He was happy that his actions had at least brought some happiness, but he also felt a hint of jealousy and regret. He had always pushed the idea of a family away. Never considered that it would be something that he would have had, but seeing Marian holding that baby had touched something inside, something better forgotten. He was now the most wanted apostate in Thedas and sometime soon the mages would have to rebel. And then there was the taint. It would be difficult to conceive a child under the best of circumstances and this differently wasn't. In addition to that Anders had been a warden for almost a decade, he had 20-25 years left if he was lucky. _"But other mages will be able to get a family in the future."_ Justice argued. True, but he wouldn't. Anders felt disgusted with himself for having such selfish thoughts and tried to push it back into his mind. His trail of thought was broken when Marian asked Laura what she was going to name the child.

"Andrew... I thought I would name him Anders, but that might just lead to uncomfortable questions and attention from the templars. As long as the two of you know who he was named for."

"Thank you." Anders smiled as his worries vanished from his mind.

"In that case I hope he will be far less trouble than my Anders. You might think he is cute now, but just wait until he starts to drag every homeless cat home." Marian laughed heartily and the other began to laugh as well.

Marian went up on deck. Her companions were starting to get good at this sailing thing, as far as she could tell anyway. They were heavily low on manpower so the journey to Rivain took almost twice as long as it normally would. Most of the mages had decided to leave the ship in Rivain and Zevran had business there. From what Hawke could guess a couple of Crows would soon get a visit from their former guild member. This meant that Isabela would be getting some new crewmembers and Marian could already imagine the dispute between Aveline and there soon to be companions. She walked up to Isabela.

"So captain... How long until we are in Rivain?"

"If the weathers holds we should be in Llomyrenn tomorrow afternoon."

"Good. I don't think there is much food and water left."

"Not to mention whisky. I have been sober for two days straight now."

Marian began to laugh. Isabela gave her a sarcastic smile.

"So you think it's funny do you? I'll have you know that I am a much better sailor when drunk."

"You are better at everything drunk, Isabela."

"See... that's why whisky is important."

"A whole other matter... I need you to do some shopping for me, other than food and such."

"Hats?" Isabela smiled.

"No, but close. Anders and I can't risk going ashore looking like... well... us. So I need you to get us some clothes. Would you mind doing that for me?"

"Of cause not, sweetness."

"Thank you, I don't know what I would do without you. Oh and by the way... I **need **pants!"

They arrived in Llomerynn late in afternoon and as promised Isabela went to get supplies and some clothes. Varric took it upon himself to get some information around town at see how fast news from Kirkwall had travelled. Hopefully there wouldn't be much attention to the matter this far from Orlais and the Freemarches and they would be able to stay for a week. Most had gone ashore to get a look around which was refreshing after weeks at sea. Now Marian and Anders need to do something about their appearance. They were in Bethany's room where she was helping them.

"I can't believe you got me to grow a beard. Even Varric doesn't have one." Anders grumbled.

"Stop complaining. Just be glad I had those potions. It was either a beard and long hair or going bald. I could always shave your head if you like." Marian responded sarcasticly.

"Fair point... it itches. I wonder how Oghren could stand it."

"You know father use to have a beard. It made him look so nice. He shaved it of once in order to hide from the templars. Carver and I got so upset we ran to our rooms crying." Bethany laughed.

"Really? He must have looked terrifying then."

"Not more so than you, my love." Marian teased.

"Hey ouch! And here I thought you were beginning to warm up to me."

Anders winked at Marian who just shook her head. Bethany laughed.

"Don't take it personally, Anders. You are just making up for the fact that Carver isn't here. You know this is the first time I have felt happy about being reminded of him. I miss him... mother and father."

"I know dear sister. I just hope that wherever they are they understand why we act as we do. I wonder what father would have made of all of this."

"I don't know. But he was an apostate. He would probably be proud of us for wanting to give other mages a chance at a family and a life where they don't need to hide. Even if he didn't approve of the rest."

Marian hugged Bethany and Anders felt that all too familiar feeling of guilt rushing over him. He started to wonder if it was becoming just as great a part of him as Justice.

"I am sorry I dragged you into this."

"We dragged ourselves into this. We have been on the run longer than you, you know. You just happened to be in the way." Marian laughed. Then she looked into the mirror and gave a sigh. Now it was her turn to change. It knocked on the door and Isabela came in, gave Anders his clothes and ordered him to give the ladies privacy.


	7. Chapter 7: Well earned

Well earned

It was evening and Anders was standing up on the deck watching the harbour. Donnic, Aveline and Fenris were in the other end of the ship talking. Varric had returned with some encouraging news. The templars in Kirkwall had their hands full trying to bring order to the city and therefore they had not been able to pursue them in earnest. Isabela had just gotten her ship only days before the Gallows incident so no one knew what ship they were looking for. On top of that things had started to stir in the remaining circles, so the templars all over Thedas were having trouble. There were rumours of mages fleeing from the circles in the Freemarches to the circle in Ferelden, that had been given its autonomy after the blight. The best news was that the templars in Kirkwall claimed they had killed the apostate responsible for killing the Grand Cleric. But since they claimed to have done it themselves it brought some other issues. Did they say it in a desperate attempt to keep things under control? Did they really believe that Anders was dead or was it a ruse to make them lower their guard? But for now they could allow themselves to be optimistic… at least for tonight. Isabela and Varric had said it was safe enough for them to go out and get a drink. Some of the mages had decided to stay behind and watch the ship.

Anders shrugged his head as he looked at his own reflection in the water. Thanks to a potion Marian brought his hair was now twice as long and kept in leather band in his neck. He had a beard for the first time in his life and it made him look older. It reminded him a little of how Justice's use to look when he was in Kristoff's body. A chill ran down is spine at that thought. Merill had complimented it and started to rant about a man named Duncan. Aveline had even called it sophisticated, but Anders couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. What surprised him the most was the clothes Isabela had gotten for him. He had feared the worst when Marian had told him that she had asked Isabela to get something for him, but he had to admit she had found something very nice... even if he missed his pauldrons. Black boots, dark brown trousers, a white shirt and a long black leather coat that stopped at his knees. Anders looked like himself and yet not at all. So much about him had changed. Not his appearance alone, but they way he stood, they way he talked they way he behaved in a crowd. He was nothing like the mage that fled the tower seven times... well with acceptation of the sarcasm.

"So a beard, Blondie? Couldn't compete with my chest hair so you decide to insult my ancestors by getting facial hair?"

"Very funny, Varric. Once you're asleep I'll pour one of those potions down your throat. Maker... I don't know how dwarfs do this. It itches!"

"Andraste's ass I don't know. Dwarfs are crazy. Don't worry, Blondie. It doesn't matter what you look like, you still have Hawke."

Varric joked, but Anders let out a sigh and leaned against the railing.

"Are you so sure about that? I'm not. I don't even know if I want to be with her anymore."

"You can't be serious? After all you two have been through and now you don't love her? If that's the case then you are more insane than I thought!"

"Of cause I love her, Varric. It's just... she has lost so much already. In one day I took away both her past and her future… and I have nothing to offer her to replace that. She will never have a normal life with me. If I leave her now, at least she is still young and can have a real life."

"You know, Blondie. You always talk about what she ought to have and what you can't give her, but have you ever considered what she wants?"

"She deserves a real life. I..."

Their conversation ended as they heard girls laughing as they came up from below deck. Bethany, Merill and Isabela came up first.

"Ahem... Ladies and gentlemen we would like to introduce you the new Hawke." Isabela laughed.

"Thanks for that Isabela, now I'm not nervous at all." Hawke grumbled from below deck. When she came up they all looked stunned. Anders almost didn't recognize her. Her hair had been died black and was in a ponytail. Her skin had been darkened by some salve from The Black Emporium, not as dark as Isabela's, but it was a large change from her normally pale skin. Her ears had been pierced and she wore long silver earrings that looked like leaves. The clothes Isabela had picked for her were pretty, but it was easy to see who bought them. High black boots, tight black trousers that looked like they were tied together in the sides by string exposing a small amount of skin. She was also wearing a dark blood-red corset over a small white shirt. Around her waist was a red scarf. She looked beautiful, but still Anders was a bit mournful. This was not **his** Marian, this was someone he had forced her to change into.

"Hawke, I barely recognized you. You look almost like Rivaini."

"Well, that was the point, Varric, but thank you. By the way it would be better if you all called me Mari. It was a nickname my father used... So shall we get ourselves a drink?"

Marian avoided Anders' eyes. She didn't feel like herself and she was worried what he thought of this change. He looked a little different to, but she liked it. They hadn't really made up since the Gallows. They had slept in separate quarters and only kissed once. She wanted to close this distance between them, but she had no idea how. Things were changing so fast. Not a month ago they were wrapped in each other's arms in their bedroom in Kirkwall. Now they were in another country, had no home, hardly speaking and now their appearance reflected that change. Things would never be the same, that much was certain. But would a different relationship between them be possible? Or would it be a painful reminder of what they once were... what they could have been?

Zevran put his arm around Isabela and led the way to the tavern.

"Be careful where you step people the footbridge is slippery." Isabela warned. Bethany was the last one walking down from this ship and slipped. Fenris quickly caught her by her arm. She smiled and held on to it as they walk after the rest of the group. She blushed as she was rather embarrassed.

"This is nice... I am not even drunk yet and I already have poor control over my own legs."

"To long at sea perhaps?" Fenris mused.

"Or in the circle."

It grew quiet between them. Bethany looked at their group Marian talking with Aveline and Donnic. Zevran trying to charm Isabela as Merill and Varric discussing something she couldn't quite understand. And then there was Anders. Walking all alone like a stray dog desperate for any kindness at all. Bethany wanted to help him, but she knew the only one who could ease his mind was Marian. She looked back at Isabela who gave a loud laugh.

"Fenris... excuse me for asking, but weren't you and Isabela together?"

"Ha! You should know by now that Isabela is public property. And don't look at me like that. I have no feelings for her to hurt."

"Sorry... I just... After all you have been through you deserve some happiness."

"I... thank you... maybe someday... What about you?"

"I'm a mage remember? In the circles we don't deserve love."

Fenris expression turned a bit mournful. He knew the rules of the circle and thought them reasonable considering how dangerous mages were. Void take him, he had even wished for the abomination to get caught by the templars once or twice. Maybe then he would have a chance with Hawke. And the chantry would still be there and Hawke wouldn't have lost so much. Sebastian had even suggested it to him once that they should turn Anders and Merill in, but he had outright refused because Hawke cared for them. Fenris also knew that the way things were going in Kirkwall, it would only have been a matter of time before all of it would have gone up in smoke anyway. Especially when he saw what the Knight-commander did. But the circle was still necessary and yet... He had defended the mages from the templars numerous times at Hawke's request. As he looked at Bethany he remembered something. He had once said to Anders that Bethany wasn't weak and she wasn't. She was powerful, but controlled it with kindness, wisdom and grace. She seemed so fragile compared to Hawke, but in reality she was just as strong. For just a moment Fenris doubted that she belonged in the circle. What had happened to him that made him change so much?

"But hey... If I am lucky there will be a handsome foreign man to sweep me off my feet when we get to that inn." Bethany joked.

It was not hard to see who chose this place. The Rivain version of The Hanged Man. They found a table large enough for all of them and within minutes the table was filled with ale and whisky. It felt just like old times as if all that happened in Kirkwall never occurred. Well it almost felt that way. Marian had always held of the liquor and only drank in moderation, but tonight was a different story. When Anders realized that she at emptied a whole bottle of whisky on her own, he kept a constant eye on her. Normally Marian was cautious, reasonable and preferred not to draw attention to herself, but once again he felt himself reminded that this was not his Marian. Anders felt as if he had corrupted her like he had Justice _"this will be a disaster, but I can't live without it."_ He shuddered at that memory. In some ways he felt the same as he did all those years ago, loving her from a distance, his entire body aching for her.

Eventually the inevitable happened. Hawke and Isabela went to the bar and two men came up to them. They were probably dockworkers and were strong, loud and just as wide as they were tall. They made the men travelling with Hawke look like twigs. Isabela was talking to the bartender as one of the men made a pass at Hawke.

"Such a pretty lady. What are you doing here all on your own?"

"I'm not alone. I'm here with my friends... a table full... and my **lover.**"

"And which one of them would that be?"

"The handsome blond one with a beard." Hawke answered coldly without looking at him.

"Ha! That little one? Surely you would know that there is a better offer right here?"

"Sorry, not interested."

"Now little lady you just need a little persuasion that's all."

Anders saw the man grab Hawke and immediately got up and went towards them. They had all sworn they wouldn't use magic in public, but Anders could feel his blood boiling and Justice stirring in him. Had Anders not been so furious he might have noticed that he was not only feeling his own jealousy, but also Justices concern for Marian. When he was almost there, ready to cast the first and best offensive spell that came to mind, Fenris grabbed him by the arm and whispered.

"Not here mage!"

Anders was about to turn on Fenris, but was bluntly interrupted. Marian grabbed the dockworker between his legs and twisted... **hard**. As he gave a scream she kicked his feet out under him so he ended up on the floor. She placed her foot on his throat and leaned a little wait on to it.

"**Don't trespass on private property you bastard! Anyone else want a piece of me?**"

The dockworker's companion lashed out at Hawke, but when she dodged Isabela hit him over the head with a bottle.

"**FIGHT!**" someone yelled with excitement and before they knew it they were all in the middle of a brawl. The whole place was in confusion no one knew who's side they were on and they didn't seem to care. Merill was standing near the wall looking that the spectacle with slight amusement, while Aveline and Donnic was standing back to back punching anyone who got to close. By accident Aveline turned around and hit Donnic in the face. Completely mortified she started kissing him and somehow they had forgotten everything around them. Varric leaned back in his chair with a bottle of whisky and laughing heartily.

Isabela was making every fancy move she could think off as she confused the men coming towards her. Hawke had jumped up onto the bar grabbed hold of the chandelier swinging across the room kicking people in the head until she finally let go and landed on a table. Zevran was all over the room jumping from table to table, knocking people down as he passed them.

Anders and Fenris were standing next to each other only attacking those who decided that they were worthy targets. Fenris looked at Anders and grinned.

"So how long since you been in a fistfight, mage?"

"Without using magic? Never! I must say there is something satisfying in beating someone up close."

Someone came up behind Fenris with a bottle in his hand. When he lifted his arm to swing at Fenris, Anders knocked him down with his fist. Fenris looked at the man behind him with a slightly startled gaze.

"Fair punch."

"Thanks... Bethany!"

Anders looked at two men who had cornered Bethany. Fenris quickly nodded and ran to her side. One of them knocked her on the floor, but she retaliated with a kick to the groin. After knocking of them out Fenris reached down with both arms and helped her up. Bethany laughed.

"You know there was a time where I was doing just fine without you to watch my back."

"Certainly... Perhaps we should get people out of here before we get stuck with the tab for this mess?"

"Good idea... **BLONDIE!**"

Anders looked at Bethany as she signalled him to get out. He nodded and went towards Hawke who was standing on a table laughing herself to tears. As Anders came to the table she looked at him her eyes sparkling.

"Isn't this wonderful?"

Anders couldn't help, but laugh.

"You are drunk, love. We should get back to the ship."

"But I'm having so much fun!"

"I can see that... You are bleeding, sweetheart. Come down from there, please?"

Marian sighed loudly and jumped down into Anders' arms. He only just caught her. She started kissing his neck while she whispered seductively.

"Then you will have to carry me."

They all got out of there fairly unnoticed as the brawl they had started was still going on inside. Drunk, bleeding and bruised they walked back to the ship. They were in high spirits singing and laughing the whole way back. The city guards they met on their way merely shook their heads and wished them a pleasant evening. Anders carried Marian the whole way back as she fell asleep in his arms. He had never felt as free and normal as he did right now. He was just another man going home with his drunken friends, carrying his love in his arms.

When they got back to the ship Anders carried Marian to her room. He carefully placed her on the bed and started to undress her. It took all of his self control not to wake her and run his hands all over her body. Oh, Maker how he missed her! This was not like all those years ago were he was lying on a cot in Darktown. He remembered himself aching for her as he imagined the taste of her lips, the warmth of her body, the texture of her skin and how her voice would sound when making small declarations love. This was worse! He knew every tender spot on her body, every freckle, and scar. He knew exactly how to touch and kiss her in order to make her gasp for him. This was an everlasting torment, burned into his fingers that could remember every inch of her body without touching it. He felt his blood pumping below his waist. As he removed the corset he lost all self control and kissed her stomach tenderly which only added to the torment rather than giving him relief. Anders then felt her hands gently wrapping around his neck pulling him in for a kiss. She tasted like bad whisky and sour ale, smelled of smoke and her hair was sticky from various fluids from the tavern brawl. Still she had never tasted as sweet as she did at this very moment. The only cure for the various curses running through his body and soul.

"It's not fair that I am naked and you're not." Marian mused into his ear. Anders smiled and after one more passionate kiss he got off her to remove his clothing. He went to a chair in the corner and put his clothes down. He then turned around and lay down next to her and started to kiss her neck.

"Marian?" He whispered, but she was already asleep. Partly amused and frustrated he gave a quiet laugh as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek.

"Goodnight, love."


	8. Chapter 8: Belonging

Belonging

Funny how there are something's we just can't escape. There is a part of us that we can't deny that makes us end up in the same situations over and over again. In Anders' case it was ending up with other peoples lives in his hands. Whether it was killing people standing in the way of his goal or people depending on him to save them. That very morning the entire party of Hawke's friends was at his mercy, almost begging him to end their suffering. Thank the Maker for Justice's insistence to keep the drinking to a minimum. The only one without a hangover and he needed to take care of the rest of them. Broken fingers, twisted ankles and headaches were his burden that morning, but for some reason it made him feel happy. There were no cold and apprehensive glances or hidden references to the monster hiding inside him. Even Fenris had been civil that morning. After seeing to almost everyone on the ship he went to check on Marian and smiled with pity when he saw her curled up under the blanket whimpering.

"Are you alright, love?"

"Shhh…. Not so loud…. Andraste's mercy… I am never drinking again."

"There now… let me have a look at you."

Anders kneeled in front of her and slowly helped her to sit up as she continued to whimper. This woman had sustained more injuries than anyone else he knew, but a hangover was too much for her. It was almost a sadistic pleasure that this strong woman needed him. It warmed his heart whenever he took care of her. For all her determination and will he had always felt a need to protect her, from others and from himself. And for so many years she had let him. He gently examined her. She had a cut on her forehead, a few bruises and a headache. He conjured a few healing pulses through her and as the pain started fade she bend her head forward resting it on his chest.

"Thank you… what would I do without you? The whole room is spinning."

"I'm here… I will always take care of you."

"Promise?"

"For as long as I live."

"I love you."

She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. He looked into her green eyes and smiled. This was his Marian. Never mind the hair and the skin tone, in those eyes was everything he loved. Her kindness, compassion, generosity, wisdom and bravery. So many things in his life could make him crumble and despair, but only she could make him stronger and give him hope.

"Anders?"

"Yes, love?"

"I think I need a bath."

She gave him an embarrassed smile and he couldn't help but laugh.

"Can you stand? Do you need me to help you?"

"Yes please…. Blasted ship… between my nausea and waves I might just fall over at any given moment."

"There are not many waves today so I think it's just you. Let us see if we can make you feel better. Isabela wants us to go with her to some bazaar for supplies. While we are there she will go and see if she can find a crew."

He almost carried her to the washroom even though it was just across the hall and then he locked the door behind them. He filled the tub with water as she was sitting on the floor. At sea you couldn't take a prober bath, since it would be a waste of resources, but while in port fresh water was much easier to come by. Because of this the washroom had been occupied almost constantly and it was only because Anders had assumed that Marian needed a relaxing bath that no one was using it at the moment. He had not yet filled the tub completely when it knocked on the door.

"Sister, are you in there? It's Bethany. May I come in?"

"Yes… Anders, would you open the door please?"

Anders gave a small sigh and then went to unlock the door. Bethany was slightly embarrassed, but when Anders gave her an innocent smile while shaking his head, the embarrassment faded.

"You sister is not feeling well. She is paying the price for that "entertaining" evening she provided last night."

"Oh you poor thing… But it might be just as well. There are templars searching the city. Not for anything out of the ordinary just "normal" apostates. But we can't risk them recognizing you two… or any of us for that matter."

"Then we can't risk staying here any longer." Anders said in a bitter tone. He looked at Marian who shook her head.

"We need supplies… we have no choice but to get them before we move on."

"Yes. Isabela has already left to hire a crew, Varric is trying to get more information and I will go to the Bazaar and get the supplies."

"It's too risky to go alone, Bethany. Take Aveline with you."

"Alright, sister. Take care of her Anders, will you?"

"Of cause I will."

When Bethany left Anders locked the door once more. He lifted Marian and carried her to the tub.

"ARGH! It's cold!"

He stuck both his hands into the water and heated it up with a fire spell.

"Better?"

"Much… thank you."

He took a wash cloth and started to wash her shoulders and neck, gently pushing her wet hair over one of her shoulders. Suddenly she started to sob. He kissed her hair and stroked her back. She had gone through so much in such a short time, he wanted so desperately to comfort her and keep her safe from harm.

"What is the matter, love?"

"My beautiful hair… my skin… I look like a prostitute."

Anders had to laugh with relief. Here he had feared the worst and then it was just because of her looks. Then again he had whined about his beard more than once. He started kissing her neck and whispered in between them.

"No you don't… You look… different… but you are still beautiful… my… beautiful… shining… light."

Marian looked up at him and kissed him. She felt all the pain vanish in an instant and it was replaced with a need for him. When he deepened this kiss and had given into it completely, she grabbed him by his arms and pulled him into the bathtub. Fully clothed he landed in the tub, while water poured onto the floor. He gave her an annoyed look and grumbled.

"You are going to pay for that."

"I am counting on it." She giggled as she began kissing him. Anders couldn't believe how amazing her kisses felt. The agony that had been inside him since the Gallows was finally retreating. The despair of hurting her… the fear of losing her… the constant ache of watching her from a distance. This was beyond want. More than need. She had become a part of his soul. An unconscious thought clinging to the back of his mind that would linger at any given opportunity. His never ending source of light. It was as if a part of him had been missing and now he felt as if he would die if he could not consume her at this very moment.

He deepened this kiss and fuelled it with all his fear, want, need, passion and desire. Marian returned the kiss with the same eagerly need as her arms were clinging to him as if she was holding on for dear life. Their tongues were gently caressing each other when a burning flame of passion ran through them both. Anders started kissing and gently nipping her neck while his hands made hard possessive strokes along her thighs. As she felt him harden between her legs she gave a loud gasp. She had missed him so much and her efforts to keep a distance from him had been self torture. When Marian reminded herself that she could have killed him a short month ago her body began aching with need for him. She **needed** to know his was still alive and still hers. She pushed him back to the other end of the tub. While kissing him she straddled him and opened his trousers. He gave a startled grunt, but didn't stop her. As she pushed herself down on him his hands held her hips guiding every thrust. He leaned his head back panting and gasping while holding back the urge to scream her name. Marian had mounted him too early and the water gave her a stinging sensation, but she didn't care. Her body was aching for him even as he was within her. She couldn't get enough. She wanted to feel completely intertwined with him. Her thrust became almost violent because of the desperation she felt and he started to cry out for her. He felt himself moments away from giving into her, but instead he grabbed hold of her and lifted her of him.

"Not here." He whispered as he panted. She threw her arms around him kissing his neck as she gave a begging whisper.

"I need you."

"I have missed you so. I need all of you, not just a part."

He stood out of the tub and picked up a towel. He took her hand and pulled her out of the water and wrapped the towel around her. Anders could see the confusion in her eyes, the fear of rejection written all over her beautiful face. He pulled her close and kissed her intensely. Holding onto her with one arm as his free hand slipped under the towel and in between her legs gently stroking his fingers back and forth as they went deeper into her. Still kissing him she gave a moan of pleasure as she went limb in his arm. It took all his willpower to break away. He unlocked the door and looked out the hallway. When he had assured no one was in sight he quickly pulled her across to her… their room.

After closing the door behind them he turned around and pulled her close in one almost desperate movement that made the towel fall to the floor. He kissed her as if he was going to devour her. Unable to get close enough… deep enough. She grabbed hold of the collar of his shirt and pulled him back onto the bed. As he landed on top of her the wet hair and clothes was already beginning to soak the bed. It didn't matter. She started to pull at his clothes, but because of the water this was a difficult task. As she let out a small growl of frustration, he chuckled and stood op to remove it. He looked down at her still wet body and the adrenaline rushed through him adding to his intense desire. He took in all of it. The way her hair clung to her face and neck. The water drops that covered her body some of them clinging to her nipples. He heard himself give a quiet moan when the drop from her nipple travelled down her breast and further down towards her abdomen. As the last of his wet clothes fell to the floor he almost jumped on to the bed straddling her, moving his mouth across her body licking and sucking the water from her body. Under him she was withering and arching her body as she was gasping with pleasure. The tingling sensation of his kisses was somehow enhanced by the tickling feeling of his beard. She ran her fingers through his hair as his lips and tongue was teasing the skin on her abdomen. She smiled a teasing smile to herself as she held his shoulders in order to turn him around to his back. But he had anticipated that and instead he grabbed her wrist and pinned her arms above her head. Anders kissed her neck and gave a dominating, but loving whisper.

"You are going nowhere. You are mine and I will savour all of you until the last possible moment."

He held her arms in place with one hand as the other travelled slowly down her body while releasing a cold aura from it. The chill made her gasp as her muscles contracted and a shiver went through her body. As he gently pinched her breast with his cold hand she arched at the sensation. His hand kept moving, but getting ever warmer as he got closer to her abdomen and inner thighs. His hand moved in between her legs and as he felt the heat coming from her he gave a gasp. He had not dared hope that he would ever get this close to her again. In Kirkwall he had truly believed that she would kill him. Not that she wanted to, but that she had to. She had defied any logical and just thought and let her heart dominate over reason. He felt Justice stir at that thought and his love and need for her became more intense than he had ever thought possible. As he send a electrical current through his fingers her body arched and she gasped his name in her release. Unable to keep himself from her any longer he thrust into her at the moment her body gave a final quiver of release. He let go of her arms and kissed her. The feeling of being within her made it seem as if they had never parted. She was his absolution. The only person able to forgive him. The only one to love all of him and not just parts. More merciful and forgiving than any God. His Goddess of light. He gazed into her eyes and felt his heart overflowing with love for her as he gently thrust into her.

"I will always love you." He whispered.

"And I love you."

The last part of their lovemaking became tender, gentle and thoughtful to each other's needs. As he felt himself release into her he kissed her deeply savouring every last moment of it. As she cuddled up against him they both felt at peace. The battle at the Gallows had finally ended.


	9. Chapter 9: Imprisoned

Imprisoned

"I'm sorry, Bethany. I promised Isabela that I would protect the ship today… and if there are templars around, I really want to stay here and make sure they don't board the ship. Can't you bring someone else?" Aveline shrugged.

"Like who? Anders and Marian have to stay here. Varric is in town with Isabela. I could take Merill, but two apostates running around on their own while templars are about doesn't seem like a wise plan. Not to mention how easily we would get lost."

"Donnic still has a headache… I still can't believe that mess last night." Aveline sighed. She was obviously tired and still mortified that she had punched her own husband. She couldn't let Bethany go alone and she really did want to protect her. But the ship and the people there also needed to be protected. They were up on the deck and Aveline put her hands on the railing looking at the harbour. Merill was helping the mages that were planning on leaving the ship that evening, among them Laura, Keanan and her baby. Keanan and Laura were only friends, but it seemed like they were getting closer and wanted to try and find a house somewhere further inland. Fenris had crawled up to the crow's nest and was keeping a watchful eye.

" Why don't you bring Fenris?"

"Well… I… don't know. I guess I just don't know him that well. In Kirkwall I always avoided him because of is mages-are-evil-stare. But I suppose I won't have to worry about getting mugged, he could just glare them to death." Bethany giggled and Aveline smiled in responds as she called for Fenris. He nodded and began to crawl back down. When he came over Aveline started talking to him. Bethany was grateful that Aveline would ask on her behalf, she already dreaded the awkward silences and intense glances the afternoon would bring in his company. She pushed her worries away and realised that she had almost missed the entire conversation.

"...so I can't go with her. Would you mind going with her to the Bazaar instead, Fenris?"

"No. I'll go get my sword and we can leave immediately."

Despite the awkward silence Bethany was thankful for Fenris' company. Everything was so foreign to her and it had been years since she had gone to a market. And he did make her feel safe. How she had missed this, going from stall to stall admiring various items and actually being able to taste samples of fruits. Such small pleasures had been denied her for six years. The Bazaar was unlike anything she had seen. Strange talismans, colourful scarf's and a smell of spices. Everything was so alive, so colourful and beautiful. She looked at herself. Her white shirt and pale trousers seemed so boring. Isabela had given her a purple scarf she had tied around her waist. It helped a little as it gave her colour and showed of her waist, but compared to the beauty around her, she felt dull. They walked past a rag with some beautiful, if a bit revealing, dresses and as Bethany touched the fabric Fenris must have read her mind.

"You should get one of those dresses, Bethany."

She gave him a baffled look. His comment had taken her complete by surprise but even so quickly responded.

"Why? Because I am a girl? Because it's not obvious enough what I am and the templars might overlook me?"

Fenris looked at her surprised by her hostility, but he could understand why she was on edge. He felt no resentment towards her as he answered as plainly and apologetic as he could.

"Because you would look pretty in one."

Astonished... baffled... nothing could do the surprise she felt justice. Not to mention the embarrassment of lashing out at him like that.

"Oh... well... They are pretty aren't they, but imagine the snags I'd get when running from templars."

"Why does fashion not consider the needs of the woman on the go?"

Bethany looked at him and burst out laughing. When a tear fell down her cheek he couldn't help, but smile himself. It has been so long since she had laughed last and the fact that it was broody Fenris that made her, just made it more hilarious to her. They should be careful with their money, but Bethany couldn't resist and she decided to buy the cheapest, yet pretty dress she could find. It was dark blue and reminded her of her mother's eye colour... the same as her own. They walked from merchant to merchant, talking about ordinary things. How she had missed this. She was a little sad that Marian couldn't have come with her, but the tense apprehension she felt when being around Fenris started to dissipate. So in the end she started enjoying herself and the company. They went to a merchant were they could sell some spare armour and weapons. As their transaction was complete the merchant spoke to Bethany.

"What about that servant of yours? Surely you would want him to look more presentable."

Fenris was annoyed, but he was use to this treatment. In Kirkwall he had even been slightly amused by the merchants in Hightown. They were always watching him as if he was going to steal something. But Bethany felt the merchants' behaviour towards Fenris repulsive.

"He is not my servant. He is my **friend**. And you can speak to him directly instead of referring to him as if he were a dog!"

She turned around on her heal and walked away. Fenris was almost as surprised as the merchant. No one but Hawke had ever defended him. Though Varric, Sebastian and Aveline seemed to like him well enough they had always kept silent in such situations, mostly to avoid a conflict. But Hawke had **always** defended him and for that reason he had always considered her his only friend. Apparently this need to defend others was a quality both Hawke sisters possessed. From what he remembered of Bethany, Hawke had always protected her and that made her come off as shy and apprehensive. It seemed that the years being isolated from her sister had given Bethany her own strength and determination. This reminded him of an episode about three years ago, before Hawke began a relationship with that mage. He still felt jealousy at the thought that an abomination could have her instead of him... all because of his own resentment and anger.

Leandra had decided to hold a party for the nobles to truly establish themselves in the high society. The reason for this was of cause to find a suitable husband for Hawke. Hawke had told him that she believed that her mother meant well and wanted her to be happy, even if Hawke did feel uneasy at the thought of an arranged marriage. Though this action had seemed invasive, Fenris never believed that Leandra would have forced Hawke to marry. Hawke had invited all off them to the party, but in the end only the mage, Sebastian, Varric and himself had attended. He had kept to the background talking to Varric, while the mage complained about the nobles' attitude. Sebastian had seemed much more at ease and blended in with the nobles. He was dancing with Hawke most of the night and Fenris had felt a sting of jealousy. Despite Sebastian's chaste vows he seemed very infatuated with Hawke. And Fenris would have sworn that he saw a hint of jealousy in Sebastian's eyes when he watched Anders with her. This had probably added to the man's rage when she had refused to kill the mage. The only true highlight of the evening was when a noble had walked over to Fenris and asked him to get some more wine. Fenris felt insulted, but instead of defending his own honour Hawke had stepped up behind the noble and told him off in a strict tone.

"He is **not** a servant. He is a trusted friend and an honoured guest. I would have you treat him with the same respect as any noble here."

The noble had been slightly offended, but just bowed and walked away. Fenris had given Hawke a small smile as he sarcastically remarked.

"Your reputation is now officially dented."

"Yes I know. You know I think it would be impossible to save if I were to dance with you."

The rest of that conversation was hard to recall as he had felt awkward and uneasy at the time. But somehow she had convinced him to dance with her. His love for her was imprisoned inside his heart, but for that moment at least she had been his.

Bethany and Fenris made the arrangement for the last of the supplies they needed. Luckily they could all be delivered the next day and they could leave Llomerynn.

She kissed him once more and got up from the bed. Anders groaned as Marian started to get dressed.

"Why are you getting up? We need to stay here anyway... we might as well be in bed."

"I didn't think you liked the idea of being trapped somewhere?"

"I don't, but with such lovely company how could I complain?"

He smiled at her and she had laugh. She had put on the trousers and was starting to button her shirt as she went towards him.

"What happened to "Sweetheart, I'm not letting anyone lock me up"?"

He shrugged and pulled her down on the bed for a kiss. He was about to unbutton her shirt as she gave him a gentle slap over his fingers.

"Oh no, you don't. I want to see what is going on and see how soon we can leave. You better get dressed."

"You're probably right. Where do we intend to go after this? I can't stay on this ship. I won't endanger more lives."

"You are right, **we** can't stay here... I was thinking of Ferelden."

"Ferelden? If anyone will recognize me it's there. Granted I have been gone for several years, but still. Are you sure that's a good idea, love?"

"I know, but we know the country. We have a better chance hiding there than we do in a foreign one. And I don't have to worry about people starring at Barkley like he doesn't belong. Besides, Aveline and Donnic need to go there. They intend to join King Alistair's army. According to Varric's information most of the templars in Ferelden has been send to other circles to keep order. Since we destroyed the one in Kirkwall things have been tensing up everywhere. Because of the circles autonomy and King Alistair's mage friendly attitude the templars are not as highly regarded there as they use to be."

Anders had put on his trousers and boots. He went towards her and wrapped his arms around her, feeling the warmth of her back against his chest. He gave a sigh and kissed her neck.

"I hope you're right. So where do we leave the ship? Just so you know if you say Denerim I'm going to pass out."

"We have to dock shortly in Denerim because of Aveline and Donnic, but I was thinking Gawren. It's close to the Kokari wilds and since the blight spread in the south I am hoping that there will be less people. It's going to be hard though and we need a lot of provisions."

"Sweetheart, I love you, but nothing involving you and me seems to be easy."

She gave a sigh but then giggled as she leaned her head back into his chest and lifted her chin in order to kiss him.

Fenris and Bethany were walking back to the ship. When Bethany saw a templar patrol she felt her pulse quicken and a chill running down her spine. In reflex she grabbed hold of Fenris' wrist. He first looked at her surprised, but then saw the templars. His eyes met hers and he placed a hand on her back leading her into an alley. The alley was dark even though it was early afternoon. It was filled with people, but they didn't seem truly alive. They were just sitting and standing without saying a word starring at them. Their small stalls filled with creepy ingredients and dead animals. The stench was unbearable. Fenris didn't say anything to Bethany, but it reminded him of the foundry where they had found Leandra all those years ago. He got the distinct feeling that at least some of these people were capable of bloodmagic. This had not been the best place to hide and they needed to get through this district **fast**. Bethany felt uneasy. An old dirty woman with one eye came up to her. She claimed to be a seer and took Bethany's hand. The first image that came to Bethany's mind was seeing Orsino as an abomination. She had tried not to think of it, but seeing her mentor going to such extremes had shaken her to her core. Bethany's other hand grabbed Fenris' wrist again as she closed her eyes. He could see that she was struggling and perhaps even a little afraid. Hardly surprising considering what she had been witness to in Kirkwall and the fact that templars could come upon them any moment. Fenris send the old woman away and as Bethany was holding his arm he led her through the neighbourhood. When they were finally back in "civilized" society, she took a deep breath and smiled at him as thanks. He simply nodded and they went back to the ship without any further trouble.

How Isabela was capable of getting an entire crew in one day was anyone's guess. Some already knew her, others new someone who knew her and others seemed interested in her... skills. Hawke figured that Isabela must have contacted some of them even before they left Kirkwall. If that was the case then they needed to get out of there quickly before anyone got wind of Isabela being in Rivain.

That evening the majority of the circle mages left their company. None of them were told where Hawke and her friends where travelling next. It would have been too great a risk. Anders gave Laura's son, Andrew, a final examination before they left. Anders took his time ensuring that the boy was healthy. In all honesty he also liked cuddling the boy. He had never imagined himself as a father until he fell in love with Marian. "We will fight for a world where our children can be born mages and free." Those were the last words he had said to her before the attack in the Gallows had begun. He had said to Sebastian once that his fight was a principal, but it was more than that. Justice fuelled him with determination and compassion for his fellow mages. It was a love for all of them in a sense. This had driven him this far and influenced his actions. Now he had started to realise something else. Since he had believed Marian would have killed him he didn't believe he had a future. He was fighting for the rights and freedom of all mages and had come to terms with the fact that there was no future for him. But she hadn't killed him and that meant he **had** a future. Not a normal one, but a future none the less and he felt a lot of personal desires starting to emerge. He was not just mourning the fact that Marian couldn't have a normal life, but it was the fact that they couldn't. He wanted a family with her. This was his own personal goal... his own selfish reason for fighting. But it wasn't likely to happen no matter how much he might wish for it. So he locked this wish inside his heart and would keep it there until, and if, he could ever permit himself to pursuit it.

The next day the supplies were delivered and loaded. There were also some mysterious crates, but Hawke figured that it was a smuggling job, Isabela had acquired for herself. Since she was already smuggling fugitives why not make some profit? Hawke thought it best not to ask what kind of cargo it was, but begged that Isabela at least have had the sense not to smuggle lyrium on this particular trip. Zevran said his farewells and that very evening they were again out at sea. Next stop Denerim.


	10. Chapter 10: Moving on

Moving on

The next week was uneventful. Well, with the exception of a brawl between some of the crewmen and the uninvited attention towards the ladies on the ship. Hawke was thankful that they would be in Denerim in a couple of days. Hopefully a brothel would calm some of them. How they could be so sexually tensed after just a week boggled her mind, though she suspected that Isabela's comments might have lit the flame. Since Bethany was one of the only single women aboard she had been the one who received the most remarks. Thankfully, Varric, Anders, Aveline and even Fenris once had been able to scare them off when Hawke wasn't there.

This was a particular sad day for Hawke and Bethany. It was three years since Leandra died. They had both done their best to be occupied for the day, but when the night came they sat down and talked about all the good memories. It was emotional tiring and Hawke decided to turn in early after assuring that Bethany was alright. Bethany missed her mother so, but it was Marian that had found their mother in that lair. Bethany could only imagine the guilt that she must be feeling. Anders looked at Bethany with a warm smile and gave her a hug whispering that her mother was very proud of her amazing daughters. He then followed Hawke.

Bethany went to the far end of the ship with three candles and lit them as she kneeled before them. She was sitting deep in thought thinking about all those memories. How she missed them, Carvers teasing, Leandra's constant worry and her father's compassion, advice and instruction. A tear fell down her cheek and she heard a mild cough behind her. It was Fenris _"Damn, elves! Why don't they wear shoes so you can hear them coming?"_ She dried her tears and turned her head.

"I am sorry for the intrusion. I didn't mean to... One for your mother, brother and father I suspect?"

"Yes... I miss them so. I guess I should be thankful that there isn't one for my sister as well."

"She does tend to put herself in unnecessary risk, but if she can keep a head low for a while she will be alright."

"She used to be good at that. After father died she protected us. She was so good at leading templars astray. That was the reason we could stay in Lothering for so long, if not for the blight we might never have had to run again. Then mother and Carver would have been alive."

Bethany started to cry and Fenris was beside himself. Hawke had once told him that he was wise and insightful, but he never thought of himself that way. He wasn't even sure why he had disturbed Bethany. It just felt wrong for her to be alone... Alone, now that was a feeling he knew all too well. What a disappointment it had been when he found his sister. He had hoped for a sense of belonging and it had left him feel more alone than ever. Hawke had said that he wasn't alone, that he had friends that cared for him. And she did care, but never as he truly wanted her to. He sat down next to Bethany.

"Did Hawke tell you that I found and met my sister shortly before we left Kirkwall?"

"She did. Marian was mortified that your sister would turn on you. I would never do that to Marian. It was very merciful of you to let her go."

"At Hawke's request... but I suppose it was. I could spend my time wondering if it was wrong to find her, how my life would have been if I had acted differently, but I cannot change the past. I have spent so much time lingering in my past, but it is time to move forward. As much as you wish to you cannot change the past only your future."

"I know... I just miss them so much and I keep thinking of what they would think of me and my choices."

"You are looking for forgiveness, but I am not the one who can give it to you... Your mother was a very kind woman and from what Hawke has told me, your father seemed like a wise man who loved you all."

"He was. He was the best man in the world and he still had to be locked up for being a mage, while templars who rape and torture walk free. I believe he would think that what I am doing is right."

"You and your father may be good and able to control your powers, but not every mage deserves the benefit of the doubt." He tried to sound gentle, but he had not fully understood the affect of those words.

"But templars and **normal **people do? They are just as likely to kill as any mage." Bethany spat.

"Templars and ordinary people do not attract demons!" Fenris growled.

"No they succumb to lyrium and are controlled by it!"

Bethany had of cause thought of Meredith and the templars in general, but when she looked at Fenris she felt like she a hit a low blow. His lyrium tattoos where empowering and had been an everlasting mark of his wrath and hatred. A year ago he would have taken offense to her comment and responded with the words "_I didn't ask for this!"._ But according to his sister he had. He felt his head spinning out of control. Because he had lost all his memories he so desperately held on to what he knew to be true. He had been cursed by magic. He had been mutilated by Danarius against his will. Mages where easily corrupted compared to everyone else. But now the world had shifted in front of him and there were truths that he could no longer deny. _"Perhaps it is time to leave this hatred behind."_ Those were the words he had spoken to Hawke after meeting Valenia, but where would he begin? Bethany's tears were running down her face as she turned around and started to walk away. _"What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?" _He heard those words ringing in his mind. Perhaps he could begin by not repeating past mistakes. He gently grabbed Bethany's wrist and she looked at him.

"That was unworthy of me. I apologize... It would appear that you are not the only one having trouble letting go of the past."

She took his hand and squeezed it.

"I know... I am sorry to. I should have been more understanding. You only tried to comfort me."

She smiled and said goodnight. Fenris was startled. How could she forgive him so quickly? So effortless? Hawke had been able to forgive him his comments, but it always took at least a few hours and she wasn't a mage. He had never been able to forgive... to let go. Now he had defended mages and was travelling with them, not because he had to or because he had anything to gain from it. He did it because he choose to, perhaps he was starting to move on... slowly.

Marian was lying on the bed with Barkley hugging him. He and Bethany was all the family she had left... well, unless you counted Gamlen and Charade. And then there was Anna Amell, the Hero of Ferelden, but she had never met her. She closed her eyes and remembered what it was like to have a real family. How she missed it, but that life was lost and she didn't see a way for her to have a family ever again. But Bethany might and that warmed her heart. Anders lay down beside her and kissed her neck gently. She had Anders. If nothing else she had his love and she would allow no one to take him from her. He said in a low loving and comforting voice.

"How are you feeling?"

"I miss her... I miss them all. I still feel like I failed them... I am so glad you are here. I don't know what I would do if I lost you and Bethany. I won't let anyone take you away. I will protect you."

Anders gently turned her over on her back and looked seriously into her eyes. He thought of the way she had mutilated herself. She had felt alone, unprotected and vulnerable. If she continued to protect everyone else, she would not have the strength to protect herself.

"You have always tried to protect everyone else, me included. But from now on I will be the one protecting you and not the other way around. You have protected me and guided me through disaster and insanity. I will not give into that again. Let me protect you for once."

She smiled, kissed him and cuddled against him. She did feel protected and loved in his arms.

"I still miss the feathers." She giggled and he chuckled in responds. Then she burrowed her face in his chest and began crying. She couldn't bear to lose him and go through all of this again. Would he do something that drastic again and would she be able to face it? He stroked her hair and kissed her on top of her head. What was she going to say to him? She knew she couldn't make him promise not to do whatever he felt necessary to free mages. Freedom for mages had always come first she knew that before she got involved with him. She would **never** ask him to put her before his cause. And though what he did was terrible it didn't mean that he had been wrong. After all what did Andraste do to free the salves? It had been a thousand years and people only ever talked about the result not the method of how it was achieved. How many innocents had she killed in the process? When all this was over would people remember him as a monster or a hero? Everything comes at a price and in the end only one thing that matters... are you willing to pay it? He had committed an act of terrorism in order to prevent genocide. So she asked the only thing she could ask.

"Will you promise me that from now on I am part of all of your plans?"

"Yes."

"No more lying and keeping me in the dark?"

"I promise."

"I don't care what the world says about you. You **are** a good man."

"I don't deserve your love."

Anders smiled, gently touching her chin turning her face up and kissed her.

"A part of me is ashamed of this, but I do believe what you did was necessary... Maker, forgive us."

"I am not interested in the Maker's forgiveness only in yours."

"I forgive you, my love. I did long ago."

Anders felt his heart swelling with love and in the back of his mind Justice's feelings of relieve, pride and hope began to emerge. He held her close taking in the scent of her hair until she fell asleep. Feeling her slow deep breaths against his neck he slowly began to drift away himself.

The next day Hawke had to do something she had dreaded for the past week. She had to inform her friends of six years that she would be leaving them. They were all in the Captain's cabin and looking at a very anxious Hawke. Anders stepped up next to her and held a hand on her lower back to give her the support and comfort she needed to get through this. She smiled at him and then began.

"I want to thank you all for everything you have done for me."

"Come on Hawke after all you have done for us? Don't think about it." Varric smiled.

"You are the most loyal friends I could ever ask for. I am so proud and privileged to call you that... Tomorrow we will be arriving in Denerim and stay there for one day."

"Are you sure Hawke. The templars can't possibly find you that fast a couple of days should be fine." Aveline argued.

"I am not willing to risk it. As you know Aveline and Donnic will be leaving us in Denerim. After that we will go to Gawren where Anders and I will leave you all."

"What?" It came from all of them. Merill was about to cry.

"There is no need for that Hawke, we will follow you wherever you go." Varric looked at her, but he already knew that she had made up her mind and there was nothing no one could say or do to change that.

"Anders and I are two of the most wanted people in Thedas, we have to lay low and move swiftly and we can't do that as a group of eight people."

"You could stay on the ship, sweetness. I would hate to say goodbye."

"I know Isabela, but you have risked so much already and sooner or later you will get a job that will lead you to more templar friendly countries. I won't risk you or your crew."

There was a lot of debate, but eventually they all decided that Hawke's decision was the right one. The only one that didn't comment was Bethany. When they all eventually went to their own quarters Bethany followed Anders and Hawke.

"Bethany I..." Hawke began.

"No Marian. Let me speak. I will come with you and Anders. You two are the only people I have left in this world. I will not risk not being there if something should happen to either of you. You said it yourself after I was taken to the Gallows, that you wish you had never left me behind. Don't make that mistake again."

Marian began to cry and held her sister close, then Barkley gave a jealous whine. They all laughed and Bethany and Marian gave Barkley a big hug. Anders sighed and tried to pout.

"Dog always gets all the love." Barkley jumped up at Anders and began licking his face. He spit and groaned as he pushed the dog back down while Marian and Bethany laughed at him.

During the meal in the evening the others talked about what they were planning on doing next. Varric was going back to Kirkwall, planning to tell elaborate stories about how Anders was killed as well as going through Hawke's estate for anything important that they left behind. Merill had decided to get off in Denerim with Aveline and Donnic. She was hoping that some of the elves might benefit from her knowledge about the Dalish. Isabela was going to go raiding and take full advantage of the fact that she had a ship again. Fenris said nothing. He had absolutely no idea about what he was going to do with his freedom, but for now he could of cause stay on Isabela's ship. Moving on, when you have to instead of when you want to, is never easy.


	11. Chapter 11: Revelation

Revelation

They arrived in Denerim the next evening and most of the crew was going to The Pearl to get drunk... in more than one sense of the word. Anders, Marian, Bethany, and Fenris stayed behind to watch the ship. Hawke had asked Varric to find out where to rent a vault. The idea was that Aveline, Varric and Hawke would each have a key. They could then use the vault to pass information and store items that Varric retrieved from Hawke's mansion. That way they didn't need to be in direct contact with each other or let them know of their exact locating in order to stay in touch.

The four of them was playing wicked grace when Barkley began to growl. Anders and Fenris immediately went for their weapons and Hawke hid it the shadows in the hallway. A cloaked man came down the stairs. Anders was about to cast a paralyzing spell when he was interrupted by what could only be a templar defence. Hawke jumped from behind to knock him out, but he retaliated and knocked her over. When Fenris attacked he was slightly graced by the man's sword, but their sword skill were equally impressive. Then Barkley overwhelmed him and Fenris had his sword to the cloaked mans throat. Anders helped Marian up and checked that she was alright and then growled.

"Tell me what you want or my two friends here will make the rest of your life **very** short and painful."

"I always knew swooping was bad... And is that any way to speak to a friend?"

He removed his hood so you could see his face and they all looked stunned. Marian was the first to regain her composure.

"King Alistair? What are you doing here?"

"Anna asked me to find you. She was worried."

Anders looked shocked, but then gave Alistair his arm and helped him up.

"Anna asked you to find us? Why would she want to do that?"

"Why don't we sit down and I'll explain."

They went into the room and sat down at the table, Bethany got Alistair a glass and poured him some wine. Marian began.

"I am guessing Anna, is Warden Commander Anna Amell?"

"Yes, love. What does she want?"

Alistair cleared his throat.

"Well, when we first heard about what happened in Kirkwall we were shocked to say the least. Anna couldn't believe you and Justice capable of such a thing. Luckily she had a visit from Nathanial Howe not long after who explained in great detail what had happened. Needless to say that after my personal encounter with the Knight-commander I wasn't surprised that she was insane, but the description Nathanial gave was right up there with the crazy things I have encountered. And I have seen a few."

"But why would that make her want to seek me out?" Anders wondered.

"Well first we heard a rumour that you where dead. You might not have seen her for a long time, Anders, but she is very fond of you and Justice. She was heartbroken when she heard you had died. Then we had a letter from an Antivan assassin I believe you know?"

"Zevran betrayed us?" Marian couldn't believe it.

"Yes and no. He knew Anna and Anders were friends and hoped that her influence could help shield you."

"Then why send you and not come herself?"

"About the same time she received some information about a former companion of ours... another apostate as a matter of fact. Anna has been looking for her for years and couldn't risk the trail getting cold so I did this instead."

Anders still felt uneasy. Why was she looking for him and why would the King be bothered to come himself? Sensing Anders' worries Alistair continued.

"Anna wanted to protect you, because she believes both you and Marian have an important role to play in this rebellion. So she sent me in hope that I could help you. I am sorry for the way I came here, but I couldn't be seen. I could not trust anyone else to come, for the moment at least no one must know that I am part of this."

"I knew you were sympathetic to the mages, but I never thought you would support a revolution." Marian almost laughed. Alistair gave a sad smile that Anders knew all too well.

"I have a personal interest in seeing the mages free from Cricle and Chantry control." Realizing that this was a sensitive topic for a reason she didn't know, Marian asked:

"So how did you know that we were here, tonight?"

"I had one of my spies hiding in the pearl. Knowing that you where on board Isabela's ship I just had him look for her."

Marian looked at Anders and Fenris who shook their heads. Then Alistair began again.

"But the reason why I am here is that I was hoping to give you amnesty, Anders, but since you are "dead" it might be best if you stay as such for now. As I said since I am a King I must appear to be neutral in these matters and let things develop naturally for the moment. What I am able to do however is give you a place to stay and keep you somewhat out of the templars sight. There is a house waiting for you between Redcliff and Honnleath." He took out a map and showed them where it was.

"It is owned by my uncle Bann Teagan and he, Anna and I are the only ones who know about this. Teagan is ruling the Arling for his brother and will be able to look out for larger templar patrols and what other threats may come your way."

Marian and Bethany looked at each other. They couldn't believe what they were hearing. Anders was more baffled how much his friend was willing to risk for him, but looking at Alistair and knowing Anna he also knew their motives for helping them. Even so he smiled and thanked Alistair for his generosity. Alistair gave them some money and said that it was the least he could do and that he would keep in touch from time to time. After he left Anders and Marian walked up to the deck to see if everything was alright and to make sure they weren't about to get more uninvited guests. Bethany started to clean of the table, when she saw Fenris' arm was dripping blood.

"When did that happen, Fenris?"

"When we were attacking a foreign royalty." He gave a small smile

"Let me have a look at it."

Bethany removed his glove and Fenris felt uneasy. He still wasn't use to people getting near him physically. There had been Isabela of course, but it wasn't the same. Nothing with her was personal. Bethany started to heal him. He watched as the warm glow surrounded the wound and felt the pain replaced by a soothing heat. He had been healed a lot of times of cause. Usually by Anders and though he was a skilled healer Fenris always focused on how annoying he found the mage to be. This was the first time it had actually felt like pleasure. When the wound had healed Bethany still held on to his wrist. He started to shiver as she slowly ran her fingers over his markings. He had always felt so uncomfortable with them even when he touched them himself. It was a displeasure and resentment that made it almost painful. Bethany's touch wasn't painful, but it did make him feel uncomfortable. She didn't look at him just the markings when she finally mused.

"The world is a strange place."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that it's funny how something so sinister can look so beautiful."

Bethany let go of his wrist and went out of the room as if nothing had occurred at all. She had thought nothing special about her comment, but it touched something in Fenris. Suddenly he didn't want her to leave. He didn't want her to stop touching him. He shook his head trying to understand why he felt like this. He hadn't felt this way accept around Hawke. And even with her he hadn't felt like that for a while. Actually Hawke hadn't been on his mind as much lately... But Bethany had. He had believed it just to be friendly concern and it might have been it first, but now... What in the void was he doing? Wasn't it enough that one of the Hawke sisters had broken his heart? Did he really have to do this to himself again? And this time it was a mage... what was he changing into? Who was this man he was becoming?

Some of the crew was beginning t return from the pearl so Anders and Marian went down to their cabin. Anders quickly got undressed and got in to a bed with a book. Marian had taken a bath and was sitting on the edge of the bed in her nightgown drying her hair. Then she began to think about Alistair and what he had done for them.

"I still can't believe that King Alistair would go through so much trouble for us."

Anders looked up from the book and gave a small smile.

"People go to great lengths for those they love. You of all people should know that."

"Is the warden commander in love with you?" She gave him a suspicious look.

"What? No... She is in love with the king. They have been involved since the blight started. Only very few people know about it of cause."

"And how do you know about it?" Marian knew of his past history with women and was a bit concerned how he got such intimate details. Anders could see it on her face. How was he supposed to begin this?

"Shortly after I joined the wardens, Anna and Alistair decided to try and break it off. She came to me for comfort..."

He didn't get time to finish.

"You where involved with her?" Marian felt a sting of jealousy. She knew it was foolish it happened so many years ago before he met her.

"Not exactly... We kissed once, but she couldn't go through with it. She started to think about Alistair and started to cry. Besides I wouldn't have been good for her. I regret many things about Justice and I merging, but before him I was a selfish bastard around women."

"You don't think I would have liked you back then?" She crawled up on the bed and sat next to him and he kissed her on her cheek.

"I might have liked me, but I don't think you would have fallen in love with me. I was quite the charmer, but knowing you, you would have been untouched by my advances because they weren't sincere. You would have looked right through my charm and seen my carelessness. And I would have been too stupid to care."

"What makes you say that?"

"I spent three years watching and longing for you. Watching other men trying to seduce you was torture. Thankfully, every time someone came with some charming remark you just smiled and moved on. For such a kind and loving woman your heart is very difficult to touch."

"That was only because they were shallow. You had no trouble touching my heart. You couldn't even push me away without letting me know how much you cared."

"That's it. If it wasn't for Justice I would not have been serious enough to discover how much I loved you. In part it was his insistence that you were a distraction that made me realise how important you were to me."

"Thank you, Justice." She laughed and kissed him. As Anders depend the kiss he felt Justice coming forward and just for a moment Justice took over and kissed her. Then he slipped back and let Anders regain control. Luckily Marian's eyes had been closed so she didn't see it, but Anders was shocked. Justice had taken him over a lot of times, but always in anger never like this. Anders felt a chill run down his spine. Why would he do this? Before he could confront it however Marian spoke again.

"What happened then?"

"About what?"

"About Anna and Alistair of cause."

"Well, one day Alistair showed up unannounced. I don't know the details, but I do know that Anna was very happy the days after that. And when her business in Amaranthine was concluded she went to Denerim. I am guessing that they have been involved ever since."

"So that is why he is helping us and the mages? To please her?"

"I believe that is only part of it. He has been a King for six years, but he hasn't taken a wife even though he doesn't have an air to the throne."

"So he isn't married because he is loyal to his mistress? Very romantic, but not very practical."

"Ha... if love was practical you would have killed me and been viscountess by now." He smiled and kissed her hair.

"I'd choose you over being viscountess any day." She smiled.

"And there you have the reason. From what I understand however Alistair didn't get much of a choice. The other candidate was King Cailen's widow and from what Anna said she very calculating and manipulative. So he was stuck with a kingdom and responsibility he didn't want, but did it because it was in the nation's best interest. But the price was that he couldn't marry the women he loved. "

"Because she was a mage... Sounds like he has a perfect understanding of the plight of mages."

"Indeed... seems he and I have a lot in common on that front." He gave her a sad smile, but then she sat up quickly and looked at him.

"But Anna Amell is of noble birth and that would mean... If this rebellion goes like we hope it does, he might actually be able to marry her?"

Anders nodded. Hopefully if the King could marry a mage, Anders would be allowed to marry Marian without keeping it a secret. That was why he knew what Alistair was planning. He had seen the same pain in the Kings eyes as he held in his own heart.

Marian got under the covers and fell asleep. Anders quietly got out of bed and went to the washroom and locked the door. He needed to confront his other half and would not risk waking Marian or someone giving him odd looks. He looked into the mirror. Why would Justice have taken him over at that moment? Well, a part of him knew the answer of cause, he **was **after all Justice. The real question was how he could have ignored it for so long? It all made sense. The intense love he had felt for Marian. He had never experienced anything like it before. Something so deep and all consuming. He understood why Justice had called her a distraction and begged him to stay away from her. Feelings was much more intense for a spirit, Justice's need for vengeance had proven that. Spirits normally lived in the fade where emotion rules everything. Justice had never learned how to deal with emotions he had only ever felt them. That was why their merging had gone so terribly wrong. Anders knew the answers, but he needed to hear them... or rather think them in this case. A lot of people argue with themselves in their minds, but when Anders did this it was more intense. Like everything else about him.

"How long have you loved her, Justice?"

"_You feel my thoughts and feelings as your own. Does it surprise you that the same applies for me?"_

"That is why you wanted me... us to keep away from her. Not because she was distracting me, but because she was distracting you."

"_Correct... Your feelings towards her was almost instant, but your attraction to her was primarily physical. Like so many of your former escapades. When she helped us with Karl and helped that elven boy I realised her kind heart and generous nature. So many things in this world is beautiful and worth saving."_

"You wanted to save her from us... That's why when I first flirted with her, you... we changed my mind."

"_Yes. Marian was a distraction from our cause, which is more important, but I also believed you incapable of loving her as she deserved. She deserved the kind of love that Kristoff and his wife had, not the meaningless attachment you have had in your past."_

"Well, on that my friend, we agree. So did I change or did you?"

"_Both I imagine. Forcing you to keep a distance from her made you obsessed with her. It was a passion unlike anything I had ever known, but I wasn't convinced it was love. I was afraid that this passion would corrupt me as your anger did. That the passion we felt combined with vengeance would make us dangerous to her."_

"And because I couldn't have her, I got to know her slowly over time. I fell in love with her."

"_Yes, I had no experience of such emotions. I thought distance would dampen the affections you held for her. I was wrong."_

"But that doesn't explain how you came to love her."

"_At first I was too consumed with protecting her from us and keeping our focus. You always lacked focus and determination, you know."_

"Yes yes... enough with the lectures and answer my question."

"_After the Deep roads she had done so much for us. She wasn't scared of us and had shown a sense of justice regarding the mages I had not come to expect. I began to trust her... honour her. Your feelings were distracting enough, but when I began to feel regard for her. I believed it would be all consuming and that our cause would suffer for it."_

"That was when I started aching for her. That was why it felt so strong. I was feeling not only my love for her, but yours as well. No wonder you called her a distraction, she was haunting us both."

"_Then when we nearly killed that girl... She was the only one who could control us, but I also feared we would hurt her. I was ashamed... we were ashamed, but she still believed in us and our cause. You pushed me back and held me under such control that you didn't have any left to deal with your obsession... our love for her."_

"That was when I kissed her for her first time."

"_Yes, after that we couldn't go back. But as distracting as she was, she helped us just as much. All those nights she stayed up with us working on our manifesto... All those times she tried to convince the Grand Cleric to help the mages... My regard for her grew. But the plight of mages always came first and she knew this."_

"It all makes so much sense now. Funny... if we hadn't merged then neither of us would have had a chance with her or perhaps even cared... but together we fell in love with her. But this still didn't explain what happened tonight. You have **never** taken over when I was with her. Why now?"

"_I am a spirit of Justice. I have no interest in the carnal parts of this relationship, my interest are only... emotional...However when she thanked me I couldn't help, but feel that her affection was meant for both of us. It will not happen again, I do not wish to frighten her."_

Anders smiled to himself. That kiss was meant for both sides of him and she did fall in love with both parts. As long as Justice would not surface like that again, it didn't bother him. It hadn't been as unsettling as when Justice normally took over. Anders hadn't felt trapped or out of control, just worried about what Marian's reaction would have been. He went back to bed and kissed Marian softly without waking her.


	12. Chapter 12 Onward

12. Onward

Leaving Denerim was the hardest thing Hawke have had to do in a long time. It felt like leaving Lothering all over again. Losing her home and family. She took comfort in the fact that Aveline, Donnic and Merill would be staying in Ferelden, but she wouldn't be able to see them. It would be far too risky for them and her. Varric was taking a ship back to Kirkwall and the dwarf had trouble not shedding a tear. He was saying his goodbyes to Anders, when Hawke and Bethany came down from the ship to the harbour to give their own farewell.

"Don't you dare to try and give me that pillow again, Blondie. You still have a lot of dreams to go before the world is templar free."

"Your right, but hopefully it will be some time before I run into any again."

"When have we ever been that lucky?"

"True... Be careful Varric. I don't know if I still deserve to call you friend, but thank you for everything you have done for me and Hawke."

"Hey now, Blondie. Most of my friends have done stupid things, besides when you befriend a renegade mage trouble is bound to follow... Not to mention the stories I will have to tell from now on. Just you take care of Hawke and Sunshine, but perhaps they will have to look out for you."

"Hmm... I do think that the latter is true, but I will give my life to keep them safe."

Varric gave Anders a quick awkward hug and Hawke couldn't help but smile. Bethany quickly wrapped her arms around Varric and held him close.

"I will miss you too, Sunshine."

Bethany let go of him and gave him a smile. Marian felt her eyes began to water and a tear falling down her cheek. How much she had come to care for him. He had always had her back and always stood by her side. No questions asked just complete trust. Not only that, but he had kept them all safe. As much as her own position as Champion had protected Anders, there was no doubt in her mind that if it hadn't been for Varric Anders would have been caught long ago. And as bad as the situation might be right now, she would never want to give up Anders. She hugged Varric so tight that she almost crushed him and let out a small sob.

"There now Hawke, I told you I can't stand to see humans cry."

"I am going to miss you so much, Varric. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"I know. Don't worry you will be fine, we all will. Blondie is going to keep you safe or Bianca and I will hunt him down."

"Are you sure it is safe for you in Kirkwall?"

"Kirk wall was never safe, but without you there I am not as likely to be dragged into trouble. I will be fine. I will keep in touch through Aveline who will put letters and belongings in that vault we rented in Denerim. I will keep paying for it so it will always be there."

Having to say goodbye to Aveline, Donnic and Merill was just as hard. Merill couldn't stop crying and gave all of them hugs that lasted for minutes. Anders was worried for her. Except for the blood magic he had always liked Merill. Marian had always said that he was too hard on her, but he was trying to protect her from becoming an abomination... from becoming him. Aveline had promised Marian that she would look out for Merill and keep in contact with her. That gave both Anders and Marian some comfort, but Merill had always been like a little sister. It would feel strange not having the opportunity to look out for her. Aveline ever the protector gave Anders a long speech about protecting Hawke and Bethany and not to do something stupid. She had always tried to protect Hawke and even had tears in her eyes as she said goodbye to her and Bethany. Anders couldn't help, but feeling guilty as he saw how much his love was hurting. Luckily for him, as the ship left the harbour Marian started kissing him deeply as she smiled and whispered words of love. He was the most important thing in her life as she was in his.

It was the night before they would arrive in Gawren. Hawke, Anders and Bethany would be leaving the rest of their companions behind and only Fenris knew their destination. They had gone to great lengths not to tell anyone, not even Varric. Not because they did not trust them, but because they didn't want their friends to become targets. Hawke had voiced her concern to Fenris about putting him in danger, but he had dismissed it. He had run from Danarius and his slavers for over ten years, he knew how to lay low and hide. In fact he was as good at it as Hawke and her family had been. His advantage and disadvantage had always been one and the same though. He was alone. He had searched for a place to belong for so long and had only just found it in Kirkwall, when fate changed again. The maker **did** have a poor sense of humour. Fenris was in the cabin sharpening his sword. He had been sharing with Varric, but now he had it all to himself. He always enjoyed being alone, but still missed the company. So many contradictions in his way of being or maybe he was changing in a pace that his mind couldn't keep up with. Being free... was that was he was? It knocked on the door and Isabela came in. She smiled seductively at him, but Fenris just groaned.

"Oooh, again with the brooding. You know it just makes you much more desirable."

"What do you want Isabela?"

"Well, to have some fun of course."

"I'm not in the mood."

"What is it with you? You are not angry because of Zevran are you? You know sex is just for laughs."

"It has nothing to do with that. I just want to be alone."

Isabela sighed. She was fully aware that Fenris had no emotional attachment to her and her attraction to him was purely physical. She learned long ago that love wasn't for her.

"You can be quite a bore you know."

"Enough!... Sorry, I just don't know where to go from here."

"You are welcome to stay with me and become a raider. Think of all the fun we would have."

"I am getting off at Gawren. I need to find my own way."

"Your way or Hawke's way? She loves Anders, Fenris. It has been that way for six years, why don't you give up already?"

"She is my friend Isabela and she has always been there for me. Now she is in more trouble than ever and I will not leave her fate in the hands of that abomination alone."

"She happens to love Anders. And as much as Justice scares the rest of us shitless he has never harmed Hawke. I honestly believe that Justice wouldn't hurt her."

"And what about what happened in the deep roads? I remember him turning on all of us and summoning shades. He is not safe."

"He was pushed to extremes because of that big ugly darkspawn. If it wasn't for him Anders would never have attacked us."

"That is my point. He is always in situations where he feels himself pushed to extremes. He will kill her if he allows his insanity to take him."

"You can't protect her from things she doesn't want to be protected from... Argh I give up! Do as you wish, but you might want to talk to Hawke about it. And another thing, don't call him an abomination in front of either of them. Hawke has been through enough without you making it worse."

Isabela left. She had a point of cause. Hawke would never love him and Fenris knew that, but he still cared for her. And now he had come to care for Bethany as well. He couldn't get himself to leave. He felt that they needed him and he had never felt needed before. It might only be his own desire to protect them that made him feel needed, but it was more than he had ever had before. Fenris got up. He had to tell Hawke that he would be leaving with them. As he knocked on the door he was a bit annoyed to find that it was Anders that opened the door. He looked at Fenris with a surprised look, but let him enter the room. Hawke was packing rations, bedrolls and other things they would need for the journey. She looked up at him and gave him a smile.

"Fenris. Is there something I can do for you?"

"No, I'm fine. I just came by to talk about tomorrow."

"Oh... I am going to miss you. You have been a good and loyal friend Fenris. I know I have asked a lot of you over the years and a lot of things you didn't approve of. Thank you."

"Yes Fenris. Thank you." Anders smiled.

Anders had never liked Fenris, but even so he had helped him, if only because Hawke had asked him to. He had shown surprising loyalty to Hawke and all of her companions. Anders had suspected Fenris to turn him and Merill over to the templars as soon as he got the chance, but he hadn't. Anders had even overheard a conversation between Sebastian and Fenris, were Fenris had refused to turn him and Merill over. And Fenris had even sided with the mages even though he hated them. For that Anders was grateful. He still hated the sight of the elf and could get under his skin at any given moment. But Marian respected Fenris and therefore Anders decided to show him some gratitude and be civil. Fenris looked at Anders a bit surprised, but merely nodded.

"You are my friend Hawke, the only one I ever had, I will not desert you. That's why I am coming with you."

"I am not sure that's wise, Fenris. I don't want to risk your life for a cause you don't believe in."

"We might not agree on many things, but I want you to be safe. As skilled as you are there is advantages in numbers and I know how to hide and run as well as you do."

"I know you do, but you have just regained your freedom and a future. I would hate for you to lose it because of me."

"I told you once that wherever the future leads I hope it will be at your side. Keeping you alive seems like a worthy purpose."

"You my friend are the most stubborn man I have ever met... well Anders might share title with you."

"Hey!" Anders grumbled with a small smile as he looked at Marian.

"So we agree?"

"Yes. Thank you, Fenris. It's good to know I can always count on you."

Fenris smiled at her and left the room. Anders leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and an annoyed gaze. He really didn't like Fenris and had actually looked forward to get away from his "all mages are evil"- diatribe. This was probably also due to the fact that Anders suspected Fenris for being in love with Marian and that had made him jealous. Sebastian had also seemed to be taken in by her, but Anders never saw him as a threat. Marian tolerated his holy and smiting attitude, but that was it. Fenris however seemed to get along with her very well even though they didn't agree on mages. He felt his stomach turn as he thought of what would have happened if Marian had killed him. Then she might be taking comfort in Fenris' arms. The thought made him sick and suddenly he felt as jealous as he did three years ago when they had killed Hadrianna. Fenris had been upset after she died and ranted about how evil mages were. Anders had been offended and thought that Marian would have put Fenris in his place as she usually did, but she hadn't. Instead she had gently touched his shoulder trying to comfort him. Anders still remembered how his heart had clichéd at that moment. Fortunately Fenris had stormed of and Anders had walked back to Kirkwall with Marian at his side. It had been a small victory though since he later learned that Fenris had showed up at her door. Again the thought of them sharing a bed crossed his mind and he could almost taste the jealousy in his mouth. As terrible as that day had been the next one had been one of pure bliss and happiness. Marian had come to the clinic and Anders had finally confessed his feelings. She had assured him that only he held her heart. That was also the day she had given him the Tevinter Chantry amulet. His hand went to the place on his chest were it usually was and he felt a great sadness coming over him. He was interrupted however by Marian that stood in front of him holding his hand and kissing it as she gave him a look that told him that she knew what he was thinking.

"I know you don't like Fenris, but he is loyal and helpful. If we should run into templars his help will be needed."

She kissed him deeply and whispered against his lips.

"I am only yours and I always was."

"I know, love. I will try to be civil and he is skilled."

"Now if I could only hope you wouldn't discuss the plight of mages on the journey it might even be pleasant."

"No promises... You know this is going to be the last night in a while we will have to ourselves."

Anders gave her mischievous grin and she pulled his lips to hers as she kissed him passionately. He deepened the kiss making slow and deep movements with his lips savouring every kiss, paying attention to every detail of it. His arms wrapped around her stroking his hands up and down her back pulling her even closer. Her hands went to his neck and ran her fingers through his hair. Nothing in the world could compare to this. When they kissed liked this there was no Justice, no templars and no war. Eventually he wrapped his arms tight around her and lifted her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She loved when he carried her. She loved being completely in his control. She always had to be so strong, but in his arms she could just relax and let him take care of her. Every hardship and heartache disappeared when he held her. He healed her body as well as her soul. Anders was the difference between living because she **had** to and living because she **wanted** to.

He carried her to the bed and lay down next to her. He turned to his side leaning slightly over her and kissed her with the same deep and slow kisses. He stroked his hand up her thigh, hip and waist. He took his time to slowly exploring her body, as if it was the first time. She started to pull his shirt over his head and waited for him to shift his body so that she could remove it. She pushed him gently on his back and kissed his upper body. When it was moist from her kisses she blew over it making him shiver from the cool air. She would continue to do this making his body tense and then allowing it to relax again. She then returned to kissing his mouth and he claimed her once again. He sat up taking Marian with him as he started to remove their clothes. When done he put on hand on her neck and one on her waist as he kissed her neck. She started gasping. Of all the places he could kiss her nothing aroused her more than when he passionately claimed her neck with his mouth. They were both sitting on their knees and while he continued to kiss her she straddled him. Her body claimed him as she moved up and down leaving him gasping between the kisses he continued to place on her neck. When he could feel himself getting close to release he lifted her of him. He pushed her down on her back and kissed her lips. Anders turned her on her side and lay down behind her. Her head was resting on his left arm as his right was gently massaging her breast. He twisted her slightly to allow himself access into her once more. He returned to kissing her neck and his hand went between her legs. She could do nothing, but relax and enjoy him as he brought them both closer to their climax. He met his end soon after her and held her close to him. He pulled the blanket over them and held her close to him, while wishing the moment would never end.


	13. Chapter 13 Empathy

13 Empathy

It was night when they arrived in Gawren. Bethany and Hawke were standing up on deck as the ship was docking. The last time they had been here was shortly after they had left Lothering. They had just lost Carver and their mother had still been alive. Many painful memories were going through their minds. As soon as they docked Marian went around Gawren to look for templars, while Anders, Benthany, Barkley and Fenris got ready to leave. There was a small templar group at the Inn, but that seemed to be it. Marian went back to the docks to get the others. They would have to travel all through the night through the Brecillian forest. After saying their goodbyes to Isabela they went swiftly out of the city. The other reason they were travelling at night was in order to use the stars for navigation. Hawke's father had thought her that as they were running from templars. He always made it seem like fun when they were children. Telling them that they were going on a trip and sleeping in tents. Never letting his children know just how dangerous it was. When she was younger she found it fun and was looking forward to when they would move again. It was only when they became older she realised just why they were doing it and how important the skills he taught them were. Marian was wearing the clothes isabela had gotten for her, but had put another shirt on to keep her warm. Fenris was wearing what he always was, except for a pair of boots. Winter was coming and they couldn't risk him getting gangrene. Bethany was wearing her old clothes from when they had arrived in Kirkwall and was amazed how well it still fit her. Anders was wearing his one of his tunics and feathered coat. They had been concerned about letting him wear it because it was easily recognised, but it was the only clothes they had where he could have all his things right at hand. To disguise themselves they had gotten some dark cloaks. Hopefully it would be enough since Anders had been pronounced dead... at least to the public.

Anders was feeling nervous. He **hated** the wilderness, it reminded him of the time where he and the wardens had been in the Wending Woods and the Black Marsh. His blood still ran cold when he thought of the Baroness and he felt Justice stir. To think that the Warden-Commander had to convince him that it was a good idea to help Justice instead of the Baroness. How he had changed. He heard something behind him and jumped. It had just been Barkley coming up behind him and Anders felt a slight annoyance. Fenris had seen the mage's reaction and snickered at him. If eyes alone could kill Fenris would have been incinerated. Maker, he hated that elf even more so tonight. Fenris walked in the shadows perfectly blending in with his surroundings and with no fear what so ever. Anders wish he could remain as calm, but all the times he had run from the templars had left its mark. When they had captured him they would beat him and then tie him behind their horses dragging him back to the circle. When he would fall down they would drag him several hundred meters before letting him get up again. After that his punishment was usually with solitary confinement. The only good thing to be said about solitary confinement was that even the templars weren't present. That meant no beatings for the time he was in there. He also suspected that it was the reason why he had never been raped. He reminded himself that even though Kinloch Hold was bad it was nothing compared to the Gallows. He shuddered again. He was always nervous when he had run from the templars, but this time he had so much more than his freedom to lose. He heard the noise of a branch cracking and jumped slightly again. This time Fenris didn't see it. He twitched as he felt something touch his hand and sighed with relief when he saw Marian taking his hand and stroking it to comfort him. They walked the rest of the night while Marian kept holding his hand giving him comfort.

They found a small cave as the sun went up and made camp. They would only rest for a few hours, before they would have to travel again. Fenris laid out his bedroll and fell asleep almost immediately and Anders was a little envious that he could seem so calm. Bethany was cuddling with Barkley in her bedroll and declared that she had missed the smell of dog while in Gallows. To this Barkley gave a small happy bark. Anders lay down on the bedroll he shared with Marian and she got down next to him. She closed her eyes and he would just look at her. The thought of templars getting to her... hurting her... raping her... killing her. He couldn't breathe and tears fell down his cheeks as those images filled his mind. Marian noticed his heavy breathing and stroked his jaw as she kissed away his tears.

"I am here, love. They won't catch us."

"Marian, if they hurt you because of me I will never forgive myself. I love you so m..."

His words died on his breath as more tears started to form in his eyes. She held him close and he continued to cry silently into her hair and neck. He finally started to calm down in her arms and fell asleep from exhaustion. Her heart was aching. Her own pain she could handle, but his suffering was all consuming. What was done to him might as well have been done to her. They **had** to win this war. It was the only way to give him some small peace. She knew that it would only be a small comfort to him. Sebastian had called him a cold hearted monster, but that wasn't true. Anders would forever be haunted by the lives he had taken and it would be a burden on his soul like Justice had become. Nothing that she could ever do or say would remove that burden from him. The man she loved was cursed, by his own conscience more than anything else. Unable to ever forgive himself for the things that he had done. _"Oh, please let there be something in this world that can give his heart peace."_

They had travelled for four days now, only sleeping for a few hours before continuing on their journey. They were tired, exhausted and constantly on edge. Thankfully they didn't talk much, if Anders and Fenris were to have an argument... Hawke didn't know if she had the strength to break them apart. Anders had been very tense. In addition to his worries for their safety he had been sleeping worse than the others. Even though he had slept it felt as if he hadn't. Marian had been watching him and in his sleep he had been whispering with Justice's voice. Last night he had even flared blue for a few minutes. Thankfully Bethany and Fenris had been asleep. She had decided not to tell him not to worry him further, but she had the feeling that he knew. It was late in the afternoon, but the sky was filled with black clouds making the day seem dark. In addition to this winter was coming. They needed to get to Redcliff before winter was truly upon them. Sleeping outside in the cold snow would make sickness much more likely and Anders' strength was limited enough at the moment. Not to mention how easily they would be to track. Anders all of the sudden flared blue for a moment and Fenris turned around with a hand grabbed tightly around his sword. Marian began to talk to him, but Anders quickly hushed her. He looked at Bethany with a concerned look and she responded with an apprehensive one.

"Did you feel that, Bethany?"

"Yes, what was that?"

Marian looked at them and asked.

"What is it?"

"The veil is stirring. Something is very wrong."

Anders starting heading north and the others followed. Suddenly they heard a child cry and they ran towards the sound. They were on the top of a hill and looked down on the road. Their blood ran cold when they saw five templars coming towards them. They hid between the trees and bushes praying that Anders could keep Justice under control. As the templars got closer they could see them dragging a little girl, no more than five years old, behind them. She was in chains, barefooted and was only wearing a thin dress. It was obvious that she was cold, her feet were hurting and the shackles were beginning to wear on his skin. As they passed Marian got a better look at her. She was a pretty little one. Blonde hair, almost white, pale skin and some freckles. Then they saw a blue light and heard Justices voice roar like thunder. It had been too much to hope for that Justice would be kept under control. It was unwise for them to attract attention from the templars and they should have let them walk away. Even so both Marian and Bethany was relieved that Justice took over so they didn't have to make that choice.

Anders conjured a fireball directly at the leader and his uniform caught on fire. Bethany knocked two more over with the fist of the maker as Fenris charged in. Marian used a skill Isabela had taught her called vendetta. She seemed disappear from one spot a reappear right behind the templar holding the little girls chains. She slit his throat and as he released the chains the little girl ran and hid behind a tree. Marian turned around and saw the slaughter Justice had created. The two templars he had killed were almost in pieces, while Anders was still glowing blue and raging. Marian feared that this would turn out the way it had with Ser Alrik three years ago. Marian's eyes fell on the little girl and went to her. Fenris was thinking the same as Hawke and kept his sword raised and ready should Anders turn on them. When Marian reached the girl she looked terrified at her. No wonder after what she had just witnessed. Marian took the chains and quickly unlocked them as the girl almost screamed in fear. When Marian reached for the girl she ran, but not away. She ran towards Anders and before any of them could react, the little girl had her arms wrapped tightly around his waist as she was crying. Fear ran across Marian, Fenris and Bethany's faces fearing that Justice would harm the little girl. Amazingly Justices anger subsided almost instantly as he looked at the little girl who had her face burrowed in his stomach. The blue faded from Anders leaving him with a look that was as surprised as the rest of them. They all stood there starring at them until a howl from Barkley brought them to their senses. Anders stroked the little girl's hair and then gently pushed her slightly away from him as he kneeled before her. He then smiled at her as he spoke to her in a gently tone.

"I am Anders, what is your name?"

"L...Lilly."

"You are hurt, Lilly. I need to heal you to make it better. I won't hurt you, but it might look a little scary."

The girl nodded and Anders' hands began to glow as the gently ran them over her wrists and feet. He was relieved to find no serious injuries. The girl looked at him with complete trust and he was baffled. Her eyes where warm light brown as if they were lightly glowing with a warm light. She had seen him at his worst, but trusted him completely and looked to him for comfort. Bethany had found a blanket for Lilly, but as she wanted to put it around her shoulders, Lilly jumped and hid behind Anders. Again the four adults were baffled. Marian had thought that her inexperience with children had made the girl run from her, but Bethany had a lot of practice with children and just by looking at her you could tell that she was kind. Bethany handed Anders the blanket and he slowly turned around to face Lilly again. He put the blanket around her and she reached her arms up at him. Anders smiled and lifted her up.

"Lilly this is my friend Bethany. She is a very good person and there is no reason for you to be afraid of her."

She nodded a little apprehensively and Anders signalled Marian and Fenris to come closer. He could feel Lilly grip tighten at his shoulders as she asked.

"Who are they?"

"This is Marian and Fenris. They are my friends to and they are not going to hurt you."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

The girl smiled at him, but then started to cry.

"I want to go home."

Anders looked helplessly at Marian. What were they suppose to do? It would be a great risk to get her home, wherever home was. Would the girl even be able to tell them where her home was? But what else could they do? They couldn't leave her here, they couldn't take her with them and they most certainly couldn't turn her over to the Chantry. Marian slowly stepped closer to Anders holding an arm around him to show Lilly that he trusted her and then asked.

"Do you know where home is? Do you remember the way?"

She looked at Anders for reassurance and then nodded.

"When did you leave home?"

"This morning. I want to go home to mother."

"Are you hungry? Bethany will take you right over there by those trees and give you something to eat and then we will take you home."

Lilly wrapped her arms tightly around Anders and started to breathe heavily. Anders reassured her that Bethany was a friend and that no harm would come to her. He then handed her over to Bethany that took her away from the dead bodies and gave her something to eat. Barkley sat down next to the Lilly who started to stroke him. Fenris and Marian stood next to Anders. Fenris looked at Lilly and then spoke.

"I am guessing she is a mage?"

"Yes, she must be for the templars to treat her that way. Love, if we take her back to her parents there is no guarantee that they want her back." Anders gave Marian a grave look as he said it.

"I know, but we must at least try. There is nothing else we can do."

"We could turn her over to the Circle." Fenris mused and Anders' hands tightened. Marian quickly replied before they would start bickering.

"Not sure it is a good idea for us to walk up to the Circle. Even though the Circle here is "free" it seems that the templars still treat mages as they please. Do you think it would be wise for us to hand her over to more templars?"

"The **wise** thing would have been not to get involved. That is to late however."

"I know, Fenris. We better get this over with quickly."

"We should dispose of the bodies so others won't be alerted to our presence."

The picked up the bodies and went into the forest where they had passed a marsh earlier and dropped them in. With any luck it would be a while before the templars realised they were missing. When they went back to Bethany, Lilly ran towards Anders again and held on to him. He still couldn't fathom why she was so attached to him, not that he minded it. He had wondered if it was because he was a mage, but so was Bethany and Lily was terrified of her. Bethany had however gained a little trust with Lilly. She had figured out that there was a village about three hours from them. From Lilly's description her parents lived on a small farm house outside the village.

When they arrived all the daylight was almost gone. They went passed a house that was a small farm made of stone and there was a pen with a few sheep right next to it. It must have been a nice home once, but now it was worn down and poorly taken care of. The people who owned it where either too poor to maintain it or didn't care. They knew they had found the right house when Lilly finally wiggled herself out of Anders' arms and ran towards it calling for her mother. Anders had been carrying since they found her for two reasons. She had no shoes and she was refusing to let go of him. Marian had thought it strange how much the little girl looked like Anders. Her hair was not the same shade of blonde as Anders' and her brown eyes where lighter than his and Anders didn't have freckles like she did, but still. Marian had wondered for a moment if she could have been his unknown daughter from one of his many conquests. But she was too young for that since she would have been conceived after Anders would have taken his joining and possibly even after he left for Kirkwall. Her fears were dismissed as what appeared to be Lilly's father opened the door. He was a tall, strong man with the same brown eyes and blonde hair, but with an almost sinister look on his face. As Lilly saw him she stopped and he went forward and slapped the girl across her face so she fell to the ground. Marian grabbed Anders' arm hoping that Justice would not show himself.

"You little monster! What are you doing here? I told you that we never wanted to see you again." He growled.

"Where is mother?"

As Lilly cried a woman came to the door. She was limping, covered in blood and bruises. She went to her daughter and hugged her as she cried. The man grabbed his wife and hit her in her face with his fist. As she fell her head hit the fence of the pen. He screamed at his wife that was lying on the ground twisting in pain.

"That is what you get **whore **for screwing around with apostates!"

"I... I was n...never unfaithful."

"You must have! I did not father that little monster!" He spat in Lilly's face and then went towards Hawke with his nostrils flaring like a raging bull. This could only end badly. He started screaming at them for bringing his daughter back and made a series of threats. Hawke saw a blue light and feared what Anders would do. To her surprise however Anders wasn't the one glowing, but Fenris on the other hand had his fist firmly around the man's heart. Fenris didn't show any signs of rage, but in his heart he was disgusted. His wife and child had been his slaves. Fenris had no doubt that he had beating them for years and now he had almost killed his wife for an act she obviously didn't commit. Anders ran over to the mother to try and heal her while Bethany picked up Lilly and tried to hide her from the violence. The father saw Anders hands glowing with a soft light and even though Fenris had his heart in his hands he shouted.

"Get away from her maleficar! You are all cursed by the Maker! May the templars and the Maker destroy you. Oh, why have the Maker cursed me with such a vile corrupted child instead of a **real** family?"

"You have a family. You have a life and you have done nothing to deserve it." Fenris sneered.

The man spat in Fenris' face. Fenris dried his face with his free arm and then gave an evil smirk as he finally crushed the man's heart. Marian looked at Fenris after the brutal man fell to the ground.

"That death was more merciful than the bastard deserved."

"What matters is that he won't be able to hurt his family any longer."

"You have a kind heart, Fenris."

He smiled at her and they went over to Anders and Marian kneeled beside him while stroking his back. Marian could see on his face that it wasn't good and he answered her question without her having to ask.

"There is nothing I can do. She has suffered severe trauma over an extended period of time. Even if I repair the damage she won't survive the night. All I can do is making her passing less painful."

Anders winched when he felt Lilly grabbing hold of his arm as he was kneeled in front of her dying mother. He hadn't meant for her to hear it. Lilly held on to him and with her other hand she took her mothers and tears started to form in her arms. Marian felt her heart ache. She was an adult when she saw her mother die and that had almost destroyed her, but this little girl was only five. What would become of her? Marian felt Bethany's hand on her shoulder comforting her. The mother looked at Lilly and stroked her face. Then she turned her head towards Anders as she kept stroking her daughters face.

"Y..you saved my little girl... I was so afraid when then templars took her away this morning."

"Mother? I am sorry... If I hadn't played with my friend father wouldn't have been angry."

"Shhh... sweetheart. This is not your fault never blame yourself. Will you promise me that?"

"Y...yes mother... please don't die."

She started to cry violently and buried her head in her mother's chest. The mother looked up at Anders.

"You must be a kind man for her to like you. She has always been weary among strangers... You are a mage aren't you?"

"Yes. I am sorry I can't do more. Your husband's abuses have left your body to weak for me to heal it."

"My husband would have killed me, but you gave me the chance to see my little girl again. You have nothing to be sorry for... Is this your wife?" She gestured at Marian, but kept her eyes on Anders. He didn't know what to answer so he said the only thing he could.

"Mages are not permitted to marry."

"But you love her?"

"More than anything."

"Good... that's goo... good."

Anders healed her some more in order to suppress the pain she was feeling. It wouldn't be long.

"I know I am asking a lot, but please take care of my daughter. She has such a gentle soul and she has no family left once I am gone."

Anders could feel his heart tighten and Marian's eyes began to fill with tears. Anders looked at Marian with a moment's hesitation.

"Lilly won't be safe with us. I would like nothing more to honour your wish, but..."

"She has never been safe. Her father was cruel to us even before she discovered her powers. I know the world isn't safe for mages, but she will be safer with you than anyone else. You are a kind man, please... just until you find a safer place for her."

Marian nodded and gave Anders a comforting stroke on his back. A few minutes later she was gone. Anders gently pulled Lilly of her mother body and she threw herself into his arms. He wrapped his cloak around her and she burrowed her little face in his feathers. Fenris reminded them that they had to get out there quickly. Anders took Lilly to the room where she said she had her things. Marian dressed Lilly in some warm clothes, while Anders packed a bag with clothes and a few toys. Bethany was looking for food and valuables while Fenris was thrashing the house. The woman had said that they could take anything they wanted before she died. They had agreed afterwards to make it look like a robbery in the hope that no one would suspect what really happened. Bethany felt sick to her stomach. She hated what they were doing at this moment. Fenris could see her discomfort and tried to reassure her as best he could. There were two horses in the small stable. Fenris and Bethany took one of them while Anders, Marian and Lilly on the other. They hurried away and rode all through the night.


	14. Chapter 14 Alike

14 Alike

When dawn came the horses were fatigued from the weight. They wouldn't be able to care for them as they should so the set the horses free and set up camp. They only stopped for a few hours of sleep. This was hard enough, but even more so with a child. Marian couldn't believe how patient Anders was with her. He didn't let her know how tired he was and carried her for a few hours while she slept in his arms. When she woke up Lilly held his hand as she walked beside him. She was a strong little girl and even Fenris was amazed at how brave she was even though she lost everything. By nightfall they had reached a ruin. They were now in the part of the country that had been blighted. The sight was horrible everything was dead and scorched. It was a graveyard and a reminder of how bad things would have been if the hero of Ferelden hadn't stopped the blight. When Anders told them that the soil was slowly recovering because of the blight had been ended so quickly, they were even more stunned. Bethany started to cry as she was reminded of Carvers death. For the first time, Lilly went over to Bethany voluntarily and hugged her as she tried to comfort her. How could such a young child show so much compassion and strength after all that she had lost? She was completely innocent. They set up camp inside the ruin and decide to stay there for a day at least so they could get some proper rest before moving on. Fenris went to scout the area for any potential threat and Marian noticed that Bethany looked at him as he walked away while she smiled. Marian smiled and couldn't help, but pry.

"Fenris is handsome isn't he?"

"Stop it Marian. It isn't like that."

"What is it like then?"

"He has just surprised me over the last month. I know I didn't get to know him very well in Kirkwall, but he doesn't seem as hateful as he use to. He has even been very kind to me, not that he was ever unkind, but you know what I mean."

"He has had a difficult couple of years and he has a lot to come to terms with. He suffers from memory loss and a lot of things he thought he knew turned out to be wrong. I am very proud of him."

"When you showed up with him at the Gallows I could hardly believe my eyes. If you convinced him to join you then there must be nothing you can't do, sister."

"You know what? I didn't even have to convince him. He told me that I was making a mistake, but he wouldn't abandon me. Who knows in another ten years he might even say that mages can be allowed some freedom? I wouldn't hope for it however."

The sisters giggled and started to put out the bedrolls and get some food. Anders was starting a fire and Lilly sat beside him petting Barkley. He was about to light the fire, when he realised that using magic might scare her.

"Are you afraid of magic, Lilly?"

"Father said magic was evil. Magic hurts people."

"It doesn't always. If used right it can be useful and do a lot of good. Remember when I treated your wounds? That was healing magic."

"I saw you making the man burn."

"Yes, but it was to protect you. Do you understand?"

"Yes... He wasn't very nice... Like father."

Anders hesitated to ask, but he was burning with curiosity. He wanted to know how she had discovered her powers so that he could comfort her.

"Was it your fathers that brought the men who came for you?"

"I don't know... I was playing with my friend when father got very angry and then the men came."

"What did you do?"

She shrugged. She obviously had no idea what she had done to make her father suspect that she was a mage. Anders started to wonder if she even was one, but then why else would the templars have taken her? And he started to wonder why the veil had seemed so disturbed before they had found her. He decided not to push the subject any further.

"Want to see what else magic can do?"

Lilly nodded. Anders then cast a fire spell and the fire started. She smiled at him as she could feel herself getting warm.

"Magic is a gift, Lilly. There is no reason to be afraid of it. I can teach you how to use it and so can Bethany. Would you like that?"

She nodded as she gave him an exited smile. He couldn't grasp it, if she was afraid of magic it made even less sense why she trusted him. Especially since Justice had been in control at the time. Marian and Bethany came over and sat down next to them. They started to roast some meat they had found in Lilly's home. As they sat their talking Lilly suddenly interrupted them and looked at Anders.

"Do you want to meet my friend?"

"Is your friend with you?" Anders gave her a look of surprise. Lilly nodded and Anders felt a tiny break in the veil as she summoned a tiny wisp. It was floating and dancing over her head as she laughed in delight. So that was what she had been doing when her father saw her. Poor girl, wisps were such harmless creatures of the fade. When Anders discovered his powers he set fire to his father's barn. It was a very powerful spell though for someone so young. Marian looked with amazement at the wisp and couldn't help, but laugh at seeing Lilly so happy. She had been so sad and hardly said a word except to Anders. It would be a while before the child would stop grieving. Bethany smiled and said.

"A wisp... You have a natural talent for healing. You will make a very good spirit healer some day."

"What is a spirit healer?"

"It is a mage that can cure the sick."

"Like Anders?"

"Exactly like Anders."

Lilly's eyes grew wide and she had a big smile of pride on her face. She then turned to Anders and grabbed his arm with both hands. Anders gave a smile.

"Can you teach me please, please, please?"

"Yes, but it will take time. When we get to where we are heading I will teach you, but know I think it is time that you send your friend back to the fade."

"What is the fade?"

"It is where your friend lives and where you go when you dream."

"Okay." She was so accepting and trusting at everything Anders said and she send the little spirit back to the fade. When Fenris returned they ate there dinner and Bethany and Marian went straight to bed, Lilly however seemed to have a lot of energy. Anders wanted to check the area for darkspawn and Lilly started to cry when he said he was going without her, thankfully Fenris took out a game of cards and offered to play with her. Anders was gone for about half an hour, when he came back Fenris was still playing cards with Lilly. When she saw Anders she gave a big smile and told him to sit down next to her. Then she started to look very seriously at Fenris.

"Are you a mage too?"

"No."

"But you where glowing blue like Anders."

"See these markings? They are made from something called lyrium, it gives me some abilities I wouldn't normally have."

What she did next stunned both Fenris and Anders. Lilly stood up and hugged Fenris and told him that she was sorry that it hurt. How could she possibly have known that? Fenris looked at Anders like he was looking for answers, but all Anders could do was shrug. Anders said that it was time for bed and as if nothing had happened she just went up and went towards Marian's bedroll. Marian was not entirely asleep and lifted the covers as the little girl approached. Fenris went to his bedroll and Anders went to lie down next to Lilly and Marian. Lilly would lie in between them in order for her to keep warm. Marian couldn't help, but smile as Lilly tucked her little face up against Anders' chest and fell asleep almost instantly.

"I think I have been replaced."

"Don't worry, love. No one could ever replace you... I can't understand why she trusts me so much. She wasn't even afraid of Justice."

"Maybe she could sense how good a man you are?"

"I'm a murderer. I don't think I have the right to call myself good."

"Anders, you are the kindest man I have ever met. Yes, you have done some terrible things, but you have never done them just in order to harm people. The bad you have done were done for the greater good. I am proud of you and I love you very much."

"I love you too... we should get some sleep."

He kissed her goodnight. He felt his burden becoming heavier as he saw the two girls in front of him sleeping. He was already terrified of loosing Marian and now there was a child who was depending on him. He found himself wondering how Malcolm did it. A wife and three children, how did he live a happy life with that danger always present? How could he give his children such full lives when they had to move constantly? Anders tried to comfort himself with the fact that the revolution he had started would enable future mages to have a life where their families would be safe... assuming that the mages would win the revolution. He shuddered at the thought that they might lose and it didn't help him. He needed to protect them now. The Maker must have a sadistic sense of humour, giving him so much to love in a time of his life where he couldn't protect them as he should. They had to find a better place for Lilly, perhaps Anna could help with that, but first they needed to get to the house Alistair had provided for them. Anders eventually drifted off to sleep.

Anders was standing in a forest clearing with a small lake. He was in the fade and he could feel him and Justice being in unison. Justice took over, but left Anders be aware of what was happening. Lilly was playing near the lake throwing rocks as a small wisp danced around her. Behind her was a fade spirit that looked like a woman. The woman saw Anders and went towards him.

"Hello again Justice, I see you found Lilly."

"As we agreed, yes."

"And have you still let your host be unaware of this?"

"Up until now, yes."

"Justice, you can't keep shutting him out of his own life. I know it is difficult for you, but it is not fair to him."

"I **am** Anders, I have the right to do this."

"If you are Anders then you must share all your memories. It is your reluctance to share that has made your merging incomplete."

"You have seen what his memories have done to me. I have to be in control if I don't want to lose myself completely."

"It is because you have tried to control his emotions instead of dealing with them that you have been corrupted. Keeping his own memories from him isn't just. You know this."

"I... there might be some truth to your words."

"Let me talk to Anders please."

Justice retreaded and Anders regained control. In his dreams he was usually in control contrary to when he entered the fade in a waking state. He looked around and was rather disturbed by the fact that Justice seemed to have made a deal with a spirit without his consent. On the other hand Justice had to feel like that every day bound to every decision he made.

"What is going on?"

"Hello Anders. I am Empathy, a spirit of compassion. I am sorry that I have talked to Justice instead of you, but under the circumstances that seemed to be the wisest choice."

"What circumstances?"

"You saw what Lilly and her mother suffered by the hands of Lilly's father. Lilly's grandfather was a mage, but he kept it hidden even from his own daughter. Before he passed he asked me to look over his daughter for him. Almost as soon as she became pregnant with Lilly I knew that the child had magical talent. Lilly almost died when her mother gave birth to her. I knew what she would suffer cruelly at the hands of her husband if the child did not survive, so I merged with Lilly to save her life."

"Like Justice and I?"

"Yes and no. I am bound to her as you are to Justice, but I have not been severed from the fade. So Lilly has much more control than you have. I can retreat to the fade and our minds are separate."

"Does that mean that she cannot corrupt you as I have Justice?"

"It can still happen I'm afraid. This is why I send for you."

"Send for me? You mean the deal you made with Justice?"

"It was a favour, not a deal. I am no demon as you are well aware. I knew the dangers of merging with Lilly, but I hoped I could guide her kind heart, so that she would not linger on the feelings that could corrupt me. Unfortunately her father's behaviour made this very difficult."

"I can imagine, but what does this have to do with me?"

"About five days ago I could sense your presence in the fade. I got curious and found Justice. He told me about your situation and it confirmed my worst fears. I decided that Lilly needed help from someone who had experience with spirit possession and since there are only a few I asked Justice to help you seek her out."

"I can't even control my own spirit how am I supposed to help her?"

"You learn from your mistakes and pass on the knowledge you have gained from them."

"I am sorry to say it, but I might not be the right mentor for her."

"You are a good man Anders. She is a natural when it comes to spirit healing as are you. You are a perfect mentor for her in every aspect of her magic. Added to that she needs someone who will love her and no one is more capable of loving her than you and your love."

"Didn't Justice tell you what we did? I'm a wanted murderer. If she is with me her life will be in constant danger. And even worse she isn't afraid of Justice. What if she comes to me when Justice is in control and we kill her?"

"She came to you because of Justice. As I said she is almost intertwined with the spirits of the fade. She recognized Justice for what he was, even if she is too young to understand. Justice will never harm her because of me. Fade spirits never turn on each other and Justice will always recognize her as such. As for you being a murderer... we all make sacrifices for things we believe to be right... even me."

"What could you possibly have done that would compare to killing a building full of people?"

"Lilly's powers hadn't manifested until three days ago. When I found out about you and Justice I didn't want to pass up the opportunity, so I awoke her powers long before they would have manifested themselves otherwise. I needed you to find her."

"You can do that?"

"Yes, but only because I merged with her. I knew that her father would be furious and punish both the mother and child. He locked Lilly in the basement and ran to the chantry to get the templars. When I sensed you were close I helped her make a disturbance in the fade that Justice would recognize. Because I was determined to get Lilly to you I was responsible for the death of her mother, father, five templars and Lilly being abused. I did this in order to get her the help and love she needs in order to become a powerful and wise mage."

"Why did you talk to Justice about this and not me?"

"Because you are a very good, but troubled man. You bear such a heavy burden and I knew after talking with Justice that you would refuse in order to keep her safe from you."

"You have too much faith in me. How can I possibly help her when I can't help myself?"

"You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. As much as you can help Lilly there was another reason why I sent her to you. You have probably noticed how quickly she picks up on people's emotions? Her own kind heart allows her to use my powers to soothe trouble she sees in others. Not unlike what you and your love do. Given time she might be able to help you heal and that will allow you to join completely with Justice without the fear of further corruption."

"You told Justice that he was partly responsible for our situation?"

"Yes. You have buried all your troubles instead of dealing with them. When you merged all those feelings came flowing to the surface and Justice had no knowledge of how to deal with them. "

"You said our merging is incomplete?"

"Yes. There are several ways for a spirit or a demon to be bound to a person. One way is like Lilly and I have done. I am still part of the fade even though I am a part of her. Then there is the merging you and Justice have done. Usually a spirit and man who shares a body become one mind for the duration of the body's lifetime. But because of your strong emotional issues Justice resisted this merging in the hope that it would prevent any further corruption. This is why both of you, have trouble recognizing if you are one person or two. If Lilly gets the love she needs she will be able to confront such emotions and let them go afterwards. Her own, as well as helping others do the same. You need each other, Anders. All three of you."

"I don't know if I can do this. The only one I have ever loved is Marian."

"You are wrong, Anders. Your heart is full of love. Love for the helpless, the oppressed and your fellow mages. It is because you love that your experiences has hurt you so much. It is because you love that you a plagued by guilt and remorse. But despite this you still wish to love... not only from your love, but others as well. It wasn't long ago you prayed to become a father. Now I have brought you a child that desperately needs your love and guidance. You deserve love... you just need to embrace it."

"I... I will do my best."

Empathy smiled and the dream faded away. Anders opened his eyes and saw Lilly smiling in her sleep. He guessed that it was because of Empathy that she seemed so at peace. He decided that he would only tell what he had learned to Marian. No reason to make Fenris more reluctant to bring the child with them. He stroked Marian's hair and tried to go back to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15 Refuge

15 Refuge

It took them nearly a week, but they finally reached their safe house. It had been a long journey, but Lilly thankfully seemed to trust the others more by every passing day, so Anders didn't have to take care of her all the time. She had become quite fond of both Marian and Bethany. Even Fenris seemed taken with her. The highlight of the journey had been when Fenris had let her sit on his shoulders as they walked. It was an odd sight, seeing Fenris with a child, but it suited him rather well. It made him seem less broody.

The house was somewhat isolated, but within five miles distance from Redcliff. It was up a hill, a good distance from the main road. The garden at the side of the house was surrounded by what appeared to be fruit trees and berry bushes. It made it perfect for spotting templars coming towards them and made the garden seem isolated and a lot of places to hide if you need a quick escape. Directly behind the house there were cliffs that reached up over the house and in front of it there were two small fields that had been harvested and were covered in light frost. The house was "leaning" against the cliffs. They had reached the house just before winter started. The house itself was a small cottage. It looked old, but seemed in a relatively good condition. Alistair had really found a true safe haven for them. Anders wondered how long it would last. As they approached the house they could see smoke from the chimney and a man came out the house. It was the wrong house then. Bethany almost started to cry and Marian felt despair slowly creeping up on her. The man coming towards them however was smiling. He was a bit older and reminded Marian of an older Ser Thrask with grey hair.

"Ahhh... You must be the new tenants right? Amell was the name right?"

"_Clever, Alistair." _ Marian thought too herself. Even though that name was once very well known in Kirkwall, it had long since been forgotten. Only few knew that name had any reference to Hawke in Kirkwall and no one knew who they were in Ferelden. Anna Amell, was only ever known as The Hero of Ferelden, so the name didn't bear any wait on her account. Hope returned to Bethany's face as she replied.

"Yes. Who are you if we may ask?"

"The name is Frederick Lawson the third, but Freddy will do. I have been taking care of this house and its fields for Bann Teagan these past three years."

"You don't live here then?"

"Oh, no. I am just in charge of upkeep between tenants. I live with my wife on a small farm about two miles from here. It will be nice to have some neighbours again."

"Has it been a long time between tenants then?"

"Well, a rather outspoken elf with a funny accent lived her for a few months last year, but other than that the house hasn't really been used since Bann Teagen took over."

"That is rather strange isn't it?"

"Naah... even after the blight has ended people have been hesitant to live this far south. Silly really since this land hasn't been blighted, but I suppose people fear it is too close to darkspawn territory."

"Have there been many darkspawn sightings?" Anders asked. He couldn't sense any in the area.

"A couple of stragglers from time to time, but the last sighting was about a year and a half ago. And who are you little one?"

Freddy smiled at Lilly, but she clinched to Anders' hand and stepped in behind him. Anders stroked her hair with his free hand to comfort her.

"Father's lassie are you? Ha, my own daughter used to be like that. Enjoy while you can Sir, before you know it you will be chasing off suitors, but perhaps that will be your mabari's task?"

Barkley gave a happy bark.

"I am sorry, she is a little weary around strangers."

"No need to apologize. It is always heart warming to see a girl that loves her father. I assume you must be tired from the journey. The fire is lit in the sitting room and the pantry is filled with the produce from this year's harvest. I will be heading home now, my wife have been missing me for the last couple of days. If you need eggs and milk feel free to stop by and I'll give you a discount."

He handed over the keys and a sealed letter to Marian and bid them good day. All of their hearts began to ache a little when Lilly hugged Anders as Freddy left. They all looked at each other with sadness written all over their faces. How would she cope if and when Anders finally had to leave? Marian picked up Lilly and tried to take her mind of it by asking her if they should find her room. Fenris saw the desperation on Anders' face and for just a moment he felt sorry for him. They walked inside the house, but as Anders and Fenris were about to enter the sitting room Bethany scolded them.

"And where do you two think you are going?"

"I was thinking inside and sit by the fire, but I could stand here in the hallway and look pretty if you like." Anders remarked sarcastically.

"You two are going to take of those muddy boots before you go anywhere. Honestly Anders, I doubt Marian let you walk in your home in Hightown with muddy boots."

"There wasn't as much mud in Kirkwall and truth be told our boots were usually covered in blood, but you have a point."

"This is why elves don't wear shoes." Fenris grumbled.

"Stop complaining. Maker! No one would believe that both of you have had your own mansions."

"Technically we were both squatters." Anders mused.

"Men!"

Anders saluted Bethany and she gave him a soft punch in his stomach as she smiled, to which Fenris laughed. The sitting room was small, but had two old yet comfortable chairs and a couch. There were two windows facing the road with a desk in front of one of them. The wall opposite the one with the windows was filled with bookcases and some empty shelves. At the wall opposite the entrance was the fireplace. It was obvious that the furniture was collected from different places and none of the furniture matched. But it had its own charm even though the room was a bit dark. Fenris and Bethany sat down in chairs as Anders went to the bookshelves and looked at the old and dusty books. Marian came down from upstairs and said that Lilly had fallen asleep.

"There are three bedrooms up stairs. Two of them have a double bed and the last one two singles. So we will have to share."

"I will share with Lilly. You and Anders can have one room and Fenris the other."

They all looked towards Anders as he pulled out one of the bookcases from the wall.

"Hey look. There is a door back here. I haven't seen one of these since Vigils Keep."

"I wonder where it leads." Marian mused as she walked over next to him. It seemed to lead down a tunnel. It wasn't constructed as a basement would be, but was crudely carved. _"So that is why the house was build up against the cliffs."_ She thought to herself. Anders gave her a somewhat worried look and asked:

"Do you think it is an escape route? I don't like this... This house seems a little to convenient doesn't it?"

"Perhaps, we can find answers in the letter Freddy gave us?"

Marian sat down with Anders next to her. She opened the letter and was relieved both that the seal was intact and that it had come from Alistair. She began to read it out loud.

"_Dear friends._

_I hope your journey was pleasant and uneventful. I hope the house is to your liking. Before you worry let reassure you that no one, but Anna, Teagan and I know of your location. This letter was given to Freddy, who is a trusted servant to the Arl of Redcliff, by Teagan. We have complete trust in him and he has not been told any details about you. I have given him the name Amell so that when you met him you would recognize him as a friend. I however advise you not to use that name in public._

_The house you are currently living in is a safe house Teagan and I acquired four years ago. Its purpose was to hide our friends and allies should the need occur. The only one who has lived in it so far is Zevran, so its existence should not have been compromised. Freddy has been keeping up the place, but he has only been told that it is a rental._

_The house use to belong to an old smuggler. He was rather paranoid so therefore there are two tunnels out of the house. One behind the bookcase in the sitting room and one in the pantry._

_The produce from this year's harvest has been placed in the pantry and should help you through the winter. BannTeagan will provide you with two horses in about a week from this letter were written. _

_A word of caution my friends. I have received an inquiry from a Sebastian Vael of Stark Haven, to have my guards look for Hawke and Anders. From his letter he didn't seem convinced of Anders' death. Anders might want to stay as much out of sight as possible for the moment. I have of course replied that I knew nothing of your whereabouts, but that I would inform my guards. The ladder I have failed to do. Vael also asked for reinforcements to retake his throne in Stark Haven, but I have failed to honour his request because of the tension with Orlais._

_I suggest that you burn this letter when you have read it. May the Maker guide your path my friends._

_Kind regards Alistair"_

Anders rubbed his face and worry was written all over his face when it finally emerged from his hands.

"I can't stay here. If Sebastian knows I am alive, he will stop at nothing to find me."

"You can't leave, Anders. Where would you go?"

"Bethany is right, love. You can't run any further than this. Sebastian doesn't know where we are and he still has to regain his throne. For now this is as safe as you will be."

"I have to leave. Just being with me puts you at risk. I won't have you risk your lives because of me."

"Don't be a fool, mage! Our lives are already at risk because of you. Do you really think that Sebastian will spare Hawke if he finds her because you aren't with her? He believes that she is just as responsible for your mess as you are." Fenris sneered.

"What happened to "turn and face the tiger"?" Anders remarked in annoyance.

"There is no reason to turn unless it is behind you. Hawke is right it will be several months at least before Sebastian will be able to pursue us. For now he has other things on his mind."

"You are not getting rid of us... ever." Marian smiled and kissed Anders who shook his head and then silently agreed.

None of them could believe how much trouble the King went through for their sake. Anders and Justice must really have a good impression, for the Warden-Commander to go so far out of her way to help them. They started to make plans for how they were going to keep their identities hidden. They also had to find a way to make a living. Fenris decided that he was going to earn some money as a mercenary. Then he could also travel to Denerim once in a while to get news about the rebellion, Sebastian and check the vault. From the news they had gathered so far the chantry was only interested in finding Hawke and of course Anders if they knew he was alive. Fenris assured them that he would be in no danger and could keep people from noticing him even with his markings. Bethany said that she would help him make some amour that would hide his markings. Bethany wanted to see if she could get employment at Redcliff castle. Marian begged her not to because of the chantry and templars. Bethany however was determined and said that she knew how to hide from the templars and would stay far away from the chantry. This would also give her the opportunity to hear news about the templars. Marian and Anders however had to stay out of sight as much as possible. Marian didn't like that she was the one who needed to be protected for once and she could feel Anders' annoyance. He didn't do well if he didn't have something to do and would quickly grow restless. Now he had to keep hidden and wait for someone to find out where they were and he had to wait to hear news about the circles before he could again fight for the freedom of mages. Marian feared that he would become just as restless as he did in Kirkwall. Here he didn't even have his clinic.

"Great... So we can stay cooped up here playing house while you two will have to provide for us." Anders said bitterly. Bethany looked at him for a moment as if in deep thought.

"You know... that might not be a bad idea."

"What do you mean?" Marian said as she looked at Bethany with wonder.

"Well, if we are going to hide our identities we might as well go all the way. If you were to pose as Lilly's parents no one would suspect that you are wanted for a crime only committed months ago. Lilly looks a little like Anders, so it wouldn't be hard to convince people that she is yours. And Sebastian is certainly not searching for a family. It would also make sense why Fenris and I will be working and you are not. You can just say that you are making a living of the fields."

Fenris looked at Anders. The thought of the skinny mage being a farmer was to comical not to laugh and Marian couldn't help but join Fenris in his outburst. Anders just grunted in annoyance. Marian tried to suppress her laughter and said in a lighter tone.

"You just want to be able to present yourself as Aunt Bethany."

Bethany led out a giggle. Anders gave Marian a concerned look and they were thinking the same thing as he voiced his opinion.

"What about Lilly? For us to pose as her parents it would have to be constant. She is too young to do it when only strangers are present. She has only just lost both her parents. I am not sure she will be comfortable calling us mother and father."

"I don't mind."

They turned around and saw the little girl standing in the doorway holding an old stuffed bear Anders had packed for her when they had left her home. They really had to become better at this. To offend over the last couple of days she had heard parts of a conversation that wasn't meant for her ears. Lilly walked over and stood in front of Anders and looked at him with eyes that were both curios and sad.

"Are you sure you would be fine with this, Lilly? We won't ask anything of you that you don't want to do." Anders asked concerned. She nodded and jumped up onto his lap and with a happy smile she said.

"I wished last night that you were my father." Marian and Anders couldn't help but smile and hugged he Lilly.

"And what about me? Are you sure you would be alright with calling me mother?" Marian asked with the same concerned voice as Anders.

"I miss mother... but Pathy said that it is okay to love someone else than mother. She said that it wouldn't mean that I didn't love mother."

"Who is Pathy?"

"She is my friend."

"Another spirit I take it?" Marian asked though the question seemed more directed at Anders than Lilly. Anders nodded and gave her a look that she knew meant he would tell her later. That night, while in bed, Anders told Marian everything that had happened in the fade and how they had come to find Lilly. Marian was surprised, but after all the things she had experienced over the last seven years, she was quite calm about it. The fears from when she had held baby Andrew on Isabela's ship surfaced again. Would she be able to be the parent Lilly deserved? There they were... two fugitives responsible for a child unsure if they could give her everything she needed. Marian turned on her side and rested her head on Anders' chest.

"So that is why she seems to sense our emotions?"

"I think so yes. Empathy is rare form of compassion. It is said that it allows people to feel emotions that aren't their own. In her case I am not sure if it is a blessing or a curse. You have seen what my own emotions have done to Justice. Lilly has to protect herself from her own emotions as well as other people's feelings."

"Do you think you will be able to help her with Empathy?"

"I don't know, but I have to try until we find a better solution."

"Don't worry my love. If anyone can help her you can."

"I don't know what I did to deserve your confidence."

"You have saved my life more times than I can count. There is no one I trust more to have my best interest at heart. Not to mention such determination to keep me safe."

"I am not sure about the last part. You **never** heed my warnings. I always tell you not to do things and you do them anyway."

"Like falling in love with a possessed apostate?"

He gave a chuckle and kissed her. She rolled on top of him and deepened the kiss determined to make the most of their first night together in weeks.


	16. Chapter 16 Making memories

Making memories

The small pantry was filled with food, fruit and vegetables mostly. It had been a while since the harvest and some of the berries had begun to spoil. They would have to make preserves. Bethany and Marian stood in the kitchen with the fruit and vegetables that were about to spoil.

"Do you remember how to do this, Bethany? I haven't cooked much the past three years."

"Are you asking the woman who has lived the last six years in the Gallows?"

"What a couple of housewife we are. We must remember some of it. We used to help mother when we lived in Lothering after all."

" Yes, in between me learning to throw frost shocks while you and Carver were trying to kill each other in sparring matches."

"I got to hand it to him. His furious charges thought me to dodge. When he hit it was like being charged by a raging bull."

"Carver... he was always so headstrong... What is Anders doing?"

"Chopping wood." Marian almost laughed.

"Anders? Chopping wood? Well I guess if he gets hurt he can always heal himself."

"He said he knew how to do it. Must have been something he learned before he went to the circle. He used to live on a farm with his parents."

"How old was he when he they took him?"

"He was twelve. He doesn't talk much about his life before. It is too painful I guess. To this day I don't even know his real name."

"I was lucky that you protected me for so long. I hope the world will change soon so that all mages can have what I did... Come one, if you start cleaning these I'll go to see if there is a cookbook somewhere."

Bethany left the kitchen and went into the sitting room. Nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Fenris was sitting by the desk next to Lilly teaching her to read. Bethany stood still and just watched them. He was so surprising. One moment he seemed so angry and vengeful and the next there was a kindness and even tenderness about him. She couldn't help but smile. She had the distinct feeling that this was the "real" Fenris and his anger was just his unresolved emotions that kept surfacing. Fenris finally saw her and jumped up looking a little shy.

"I was just..."

"I can see that. I was just getting a book. Please don't let me disturb you."

Bethany went over to the bookcase as Fenris sat back down. She found two cookbooks and went out to the kitchen as she was smiling. Marian could swear that Bethany was almost blushing.

"There you are... What are you smiling at?"

"Fenris is teaching Lilly how to read. It is adorable!"

"Oh? That I want to see."

"Don't you dare disturb them. He was uncomfortable enough with me watching them." She hissed.

"You were watching him?" Marian smiled teasingly.

"I said **them**."

"It is good that he is willing to help her. I have been teaching him how to read over the past three years. He hadn't learned because he was a slave."

Anders came in with his hand bleeding and started to wash it before healing himself.

"What did you do? I thought you said you knew what you were doing."

"I do know how to cleave wood. Your blasted hound went up behind me and started barking."

Marian went over to him and ran her fingers through his hair as she kissed him.

"Is it bad?"

"No, it was just a grace."

"Why did he bark at you?"

"You don't... oh I thought he followed me inside."

Anders went to the door and called for the dog. Barkley came in with a duck in his mouth. Marian and Bethany stared in surprise. As he placed in front of Marian she gave a laugh.

"Good boy. How in the name of Andraste did he manage to catch a duck? Did you see it Anders?"

"No I didn't. He just suddenly barked behind me. I hadn't even noticed he had wandered off."

Only three weeks after they had arrived, the snow started falling. Marian had forgotten just how cold Ferelden winters are. Fenris and Bethany had gotten the supplies that would get them through the next three months. Their home was isolated at high altitudes close to the Frost back mountains. This meant that they would "trapped" there until the snow melted. For the next many weeks they wouldn't have to fear discovery, but also months where they had to occupy themselves without much to do. Marian feared that at one point one of them would snap and it would turn into a brawl... most likely between Anders and Fenris. Though she had to admit that since they got Lilly both gentlemen had been extraordinarily compliant and civil.

Two weeks after the heavy snow fell and Marian could swear they were all getting cabin fever. Except for Lilly, she was happy as long as she was loved. Because of their idleness Lilly was constantly occupied. They had all taken part in caring for her and raising her. It still felt strange for Marian to think of herself as a mother. Fenris would teach her how read and passed on knowledge about different cultures, thankfully the child friendly version. Bethany would play with Lilly and tell her fairytales. Both sisters would let Lilly help with little things in the kitchen and found themselves constantly smiling at each other with the knowledge that one of them had sounded exactly like Leandra. Beyond this Marian couldn't find out what she could contribute to Lilly's life, she felt so lost. Anders on the other hand might as well have been Lilly's real father. He looked like he had never done anything else, but taking care of her. He taught her magic, since she was so young mostly mental control and focus. Whenever Lilly needed comfort or had hurt herself Anders was the one she ran to. He was also the one to discipline her and did so by simply talking to her in a strict voice. Never letting her feel guilty and ashamed for long he would then tickle her as "punishment" until tears starting to roll down her face. Marian was ashamed, but she felt a little jealous about the bond between Anders and Lilly. It felt like it was a family she wasn't part of and she started to fear that she never would be.

This afternoon had been in particularly idle. They were sitting in the sitting room all of them. Anders would try to read, but constantly closed the book only to reopen it a minute later. Bethany was trying to repair some clothes, but constantly dropping a needle or thread on the floor and cursing to herself in annoyance. Fenris stared into the fire and was constantly drumming his fingers against the wood on the arm chair. To this Marian could see Anders grinding his teeth in annoyance. Marian was also trying to read, but her eyes constantly fell towards her daggers lying on a table. What she wouldn't give for some angry Carta? Lilly was on the floor resting against a sleeping dog. Lilly felt the tension in the room and it was showing on her face. Anders finally got up and Marian could tell by his expression his was about to take a verbal lash at Fenris. Lilly (or maybe Empathy) must have felt it too when she stood up and took Fenris' hand.

"I want to build a snowman. Will you help?"

"I don't build snowmen."

"Then perhaps it is time that you do. You could use some air." Bethany remarked.

"Why don't we all take a walk outside? It seems we could all use some air." Marian suggested and the former sleeping mabari jumped up and gave an exited bark.

When outside Barkley was jumping around in the snow and Lilly eagerly began to build her snowman with help from Bethany. Lilly then ran to Fenris dragging him with her as she exclaimed that she was going to teach him how to build snowmen. Anders was leaning up a tree with his eyes closed. Marian was worried about him. Justice was always harder to control when he didn't have anything to occupy his mind. At night he would toss and turn in bed of frustration until he finally got up.

"Don't elves like snow?" Lilly asked Fenris.

"**Slaves** don't play in snow."

"But you said no are not a slave anymore. So why don't you play now?"

"That's a good question." Bethany replied smiling teasingly at Fenris who just grunted in responds. When he turned a snowball hit him right in the neck. He turned around with a surprised and angry look. Lilly laughed at pointed at Bethany who had a fiendishly smile on her lips.

"You are going to pay for that!" He grumbled with a smile on his face and started to chase Bethany around throwing snow at her. Anders started to laugh heartily at the display. Fenris was clearly out of his element as Bethany made one direct hit after another.

"You think it's funny do you?" Marian remarked at Anders and before he knew it his hair was covered in snow.

"Don't tease a mage." He smiled and joined the fray. Marian was quick and nimble and that made her difficult to hit, but after years of fighting by her side Anders manage to predict some of her moves and hit her. After almost hitting her face she gave a devilish smile and disappeared in smoke only to reappear behind him stuffing his face with snow. When she ran away from him he captured her in a paralyzing glyph and gave a loud laugh.

"Now you are completely at my mercy, love."

"That's what you think." She smiled and at that moment he was tackled by both a dog and child wrestling him to the ground.

"Mutiny? Isabela would never have stood for this." He pushed Lilly gently of him and now it was three against him. Well, Lilly didn't really hit him and Barkley jumped up into the air trying to catch the snow they were throwing. Fenris was still chasing Bethany around when she suddenly stopped he almost ran into her. She turned around and he was standing very close to her. She looked up at him and smiled innocently and he felt his breathing getting heavier as his heart started to beat faster. She was so close to him that he could almost feel her breasts against his chest as she breathed heavily. They just looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like ages until Bethany hit him on top of the head with a snowball she had been hiding. They had all lost track of time, but when they got inside they were cold, tired and wet. That day at least they had gotten some much needed distraction.

Anders woke. Something or someone was walking in the hallway. He gently shook Marian awake and put a finger to her mouth to silence her. She heard it too. Marian grabbed one of her daggers from the nightstand and Anders grabbed hold of his staff that was hidden right under the edge of the bed. As the door slowly opened he was conjuring a fireball when he heard Justice object. _"It is the child."_

"Lilly?" Anders asked with a little of Justices voice breaking through.

"Father?"

They could hear her sobbing and she came towards the bed. Marian's side was closets to the door so she put down the dagger in the hope that Lilly didn't notice it. She then lifted Lilly into their bed and pulled the covers over her as the gently stroked her hair. Anders lit the candle next to their bed.

"Bad dream?" Anders asked gently and Lilly nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Marian asked as she tried to comfort her. Lilly then wrapped her tiny arms around Marian's neck and started sobbing.

"Shhh... it's alright. We are here. Nothing will happen to you." Marian continued.

"You d... died..." Lilly sobbed. Anders and Marian gave each other a worried look. Lilly then let go of Marian and looked at her with tears in her eyes.

"There was a big purple man with horns chasing you. He had a big sword and was very mad. Then he stabbed you with his sword."

Anders and Marian exchange looks. Could she be describing Marians fight with the Arishok? How could she know about that? When it had happened Lilly was a two year's old living in Ferelden, it was unlikely that she had heard about it. Marian pulled up her nightgown so you could see a large scar on the side of her stomach.

"They man you spoke of is someone called Arishok. I was duelling him to safe a friend's life and prevent a war. He did stab me and this is why I have this scar, but I didn't die."

"Did you kill him?"

Marian hesitated then nodded.

"How?"

"After he stabbed me I got up behind him and stabbed him in his heart. He didn't suffer. It is important that you know I didn't enjoy it. I did it to save a lot of innocent lives. Do you understand?"

"Yes... why didn't you die if he stabbed you?"

"Anders healed me shortly after."

"And one day I will be able to save people too?"

"Yes. You are going to be a very good healer I promise you." Anders said as he smiled. After that Lilly calmed down and fell asleep. Marian then whispered to Anders.

"How did she know?"

"I think it was my fault. Of all the things we have been through, seeing you fighting the Arishok alone was the worst thing I have ever experienced. All I could do was stand by watching him almost killing you. I still have nightmares about it. I guess Lilly must have picked up in that."

"If she can pick up things like that we may have many nights like this... To think she might dreams about Orsino. I even shudder to think of it."

"I know... but there isn't much we can do about it other than comfort her if it happens."


	17. Chapter 17 Resistance

Resistance

The snow finally started to melt and after two months of isolation the relationships between the unusual family where strained. Anders/Justice was getting more restless by the day and Marian didn't always know the reason. It could be the confinement reminding him to much of the imprisonment of the circle and the confinement of the wardens. It could be the fact that he had started a war that they now heard no news of. Or it could simply be the fact that he knew mages were suffering and once again he was placed in a situation where he couldn't help them. Thankfully Lilly's training kept him occupied most days and at night Marian tried to get him to release his tension through intimacy. She worried for him and their future together. What if he never learned how to relax? Would he always be this restless whenever there would be a peaceful time in their lives? She remembered back to their time in Kirkwall. For two years Anders had let go of the plight of mages and instead put all his energy into his clinic and a way to separate him and Justice. He seemed happy those years spending his days at the clinic and cherishing every moment he had with her at night. That was what she missed the most during these past six months. Feeling cherished like she use to. She knew he loved her, but the idleness of this situation was affecting him more than the others. Fenris made his first trip to Denerim and Bethany had started to work at Redcliff castle for Bann Tegan. Marian's appearance was changing back to her normal skin and hair colour, but Anders kept his beard and long hair.

Marian had learned that Freddy had been paid by Bann Tegan to take care of the fields, but Marian helped him all the same with the task. After so many months she needed the exercise, not to mention the distraction. To keep Anders' occupied she had encouraged him to make a new manifesto, of a sort. She asked him to make suggestions to how mages should be properly integrated into society and how it would benefit from it. He could then give his proposal to King Alistair. It had given him the opportunity to vent some of his energy and frustration. He became less restless and between that and tutoring Lilly he became much happier. When Fenris returned he brought letters from Varric and news about the circles. The circles everywhere were stirring and one of them had already tried to be annulled by the templars. There was little information to be found about this annulment however since the templars and chantry tried to keep the outside world from being informed of the details. In an attempt to control the mage situation almost all rights were taken from the mages. They were not allowed at public functions, not allowed to communicate between the circles and they were refused to be allowed a conclave. The mages however seemed to be resisting and Grand Enchanter Fiona was fighting with tooth and nail for the conclave to be allowed. Varric's letter said that things in Kirkwall were starting to calm down and that the templars tried to keep order, but most of the mages had fled the city.

Anders was in the sitting room with Lilly trying to teach her a basic healing spell with Barkley as a test subject. The hound had gotten a minor scratch above his right eye. Anders was sitting on the floor behind Lilly holding her hands in his while guiding her focus and Barkley lying patiently in front of Lilly. They had sat like this for the last fifteen minutes, while Marian had been standing quietly in the doorway just watching. It was only when tutoring Lilly these days that Anders seemed at peace. Finally the healing magic was emanating from Lilly, on her own and she healed the small cut. She gave a high-pitched squeal in excitement and hugged Anders who proudly praised her. Marian felt her heart tighten. Anders had talked about how sorry he was that he couldn't give Marian children, but she had dismissed it as not being important to her. Lately she had felt her heart fill with sadness, not for herself but for him. It was clear that he did not only want children, but that he would become a great father. Marian tried to take comfort in the fact that they had Lilly, but at the same time she wanted to give Anders a large loving family. A family like the one she had, as it had been lacking in his. Whenever Anders talked about his own family he mentioned his mother being kind and loving, while his father had been hard, stubborn and troubled. Anders mentioned once that his father had worked hard to feed the family, but he had never been content with what he had. When his firstborn son had shown signs of magic and by accident burned the barn containing the crops that were suppose to get the family through the winter, he had lost his temper. He had cursed Anders' existence and personally gone for the templars. Rage and disgust had made him spit in his sons face as the templars took Anders away. Once, just once, in this lifetime Marian wanted to give Anders the love and acceptance that he had desperately craved for so long. And then there was Justice. Trapped in an unfamiliar world where every time he made his presence known people would meet him with fear, anger and violence. Both were so unloved. It wasn't Anders or Justice who was responsible for creating Vengeance, but the ignorance and intolerance of the world.

Marian's thoughts were interrupted as Bethany and Fenris walked in the door. Fenris had made himself the protector of this family that they had become and followed Bethany home from Redcliff whenever possible. Marian had long suspected that Bethany encourage him to do this. Lilly ran towards them both and boasted proudly about her healing earning an honest smile from Bethany, but Fenris merely kept quiet. He was still distrustful of magic and he always would be, but he had started to keep his thoughts on the subject quiet unless provoked, most commonly by Anders' ranting. Bethany looked at Lilly and then spoke.

"Why don't you go upstairs and play for a little while? I call you when it is time to get dinner started and you can help me."

Lilly nodded and ran upstairs. Bethany made Marian and Fenris join Anders in the living room. When they sat down Bethany practically glowed.

"I have heard some news from Kinloch Hold. As you know Alistair tried to give the circle it's autonomy after the blight, but there has been a stampede ever since because of the chantrys reluctance to grant the request. Since everything is starting to stir around Thedas, the mages collective and some mages inside the circle here have been working together to try and gather forces and information. They have created an underground movement and are looking for help to smuggle people out of the circle."

"Perhaps things are better left as they are." Fenris stated, but was politely ignored by Bethany while Marian placed a hand on Anders' knee to keep him from retaliating.

"Anyway" Bethany continued."They have asked if I would assist them and I have agreed. I thought you would want to as well Anders?"

"Do you even have to ask? Of course I will." Anders smiled and an eagerness came over him that had been absent for a long time.

"And so will I." Marian said as she leaned her head on Anders' shoulder.

"Are you sure, love? I don't want you to..."

"Your fights are mine. They always have been. Now please stop questioning my decisions and let me help."

"If you are intending to do this you should never go all at once. Only two of you should go on these ventures and one should remain behind for Lilly's sake." Fenris grumbled.

They all agreed with Fenris and Bethany told Anders and Marian about the first task in three days time. Fenris avoided looking at Bethany and finally got up and went outside. It was dusk and there was a mist in the air. The days were getting longer, but the sun was still setting early. He stood deep the thought, but when Bethany came outside he looked at her quickly and then scoffed as he looked away again.

"What is wrong?"

He didn't answer.

"By the Maker! Talk to me Fenris. One minute we are the best of friends then the next you won't talk to me. What could I have done in the last hour that is so terrible that you won't talk to me?"

"What have you done? You and your sister keep on risking everything for things that have nothing to do with you! And why? To help that **mage **force his twisted sense of justice upon this world?"

"I am a mage to, Fenris. This has everything to do with me. Do you think that because I am free at the moment that this will always be the case? If we don't help to change the world that freedom won't last."

"It could if you could just learn to keep your head down instead of continuing to look for trouble."

"**I am tired of hiding, Fenris**! I am tired of being ashamed of what I am and being treated like a criminal for it. If we don't do this I am going to get locked up or executed. I am sorry for what happened to you, but I did not do it, Anders did not do it and Lilly most certainly didn't. We are not all evil. We do not all want power. We just want a life and love. I am sorry if you feel that we are changing the world for the worse."

Bethany's eyes started tearing and she turned around. Fenris grabbed her wrist gently and turned her around.

"You are wrong... about you changing the world for the worse, because... nothing could be worse than living without you."

She turned her head towards him and felt a tear falling down her cheek. The green eyes starred into the blue and then it dawned on her. This wasn't about the mage cause, this was about his fear of losing her. Bethany felt herself blush. Twenty-five years of isolation, she knew nothing of love and was clueless about what to say or what to do. She felt her heartbeat quicken and heard nothing but the pulsing sensation of her blood running through her veins. Fenris gently took her by her shoulders and kissed her softly. The kiss intensified almost instantly as his lips touched hers and it became much less gentle than he had intended. Though startled she wrapped her arms around him pulling herself closer to him.

"Bethany, Marian would like..." Anders stopped midsentence and gave them a startled look as they quickly pulled a part.

"...me to help with dinner. Thank you Anders, I'll go now." Bethany finished quickly without looking him in the eye. She quickly went past Anders into the house. Anders gave Fenris a sheepish look and he in return gave Anders a deadly one and gave a low growl.

"Not a word, **mage**!"

"You would think that after kissing one that the word would have less venom to it." Anders stated flatly and went inside.

-OOO-

That evening Bethany was alone in her room as Lilly was sleeping with Marian and Anders since she had a lot of nightmares lately. Bethany was brushing her hair as it knocked on the door, she told them to enter assuming that it was Marian. Her eyes widened as she saw Fenris enter. As he blushed she became aware that she was wearing nothing, but her thin nightgown. Fenris scolded himself. He had after all seen Isabela in far less than this. This was after all not new territory for him and at the same time it was. He didn't feel for Isabela as he did for Bethany. He wanted this to be right, just for once in his life he wanted something to go right. Seeing something on his face that resembled regret, Bethany felt her heart ache and yet became uncharacteristically determined. She got up and walked towards him, paused and looked into his eyes. As the green eyes lit up she smiled and kissed him. Fenris wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. This was right. This **had **to be right. For once in his life he was going to make sure it **was** right. The Maker had a poor sense of humour. Making a mage torment him for years, giving him physical and emotional scars that neither magic nor time could heal. It had lit a fire of fury in him that for ten years had poisoned his soul. Now he found that a mage could give him a peace and happiness that he could find nowhere else. This little mage in his arms lit a different fire in him, one he was certain that he could not live without. Just for a moment he loathed every templar in Thedas who would dare steal her away from him...

He gently lifted her into his arms and carried her to his own room. The last thing he wanted was for Lilly to barge in... or worse **Anders**. Fenris could feel Bethany shiver and remembered the conversation they had in Rivain. He looked into her eyes and lost his breath as he saw the adoration in them. That look and the emotions it represented were all for him. She was his. **His** Bethany. She gently ran her fingers over his markings and released a little healing giving him a tantalizing sensation instead of a painful one. When he began to kiss her neck she gasped and his tattoos started to emanate a light glow. The blue glow illuminated the room and dominated over the light of the candle. He looked down at her again and saw his own glow reflect in her blue eyes and dark hair. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Bethany kissed him by his ear as she whispered.

"You don't have to live without me unless you choose to."

"Nothing is going to keep me from you." He promised as he captured her lips once more. Neither of them was fully aware of how their clothing made it to the floor. The magic flowing between them and the feelings they shared through their touch drowned out everything else in the world. For the first time in both of their lives they had stopped running.

-OOO-

Anders awoke abruptly when he felt himself shaken awake. Justice took over almost instantly fearing that the templars had finally caught up to them. Their anxieties were not lessoned when they saw a wide eyed Marian shaking them as she was barely holding back the tears.

"Bethany is gone! I can't find her anywhere. I have looked everywhere. Maker I can't lose her. I..."

Justice jumped out of bed as scenarios of templars tormenting Bethany went through his mind and he was already about to start a raging rampage. It was only when he heard Marian sob and turning to see Lilly comforting her that he regained himself a bit. Justice could feel Anders' worries, but he also tried to convince the spirit to focus on comforting Marian. They had promised to be her rock. They could not bear for her to break down as she had done on Isabela's ship. It was their responsibility to be there for Marian, not Lilly's. It was unjust to put such burdens on a child. Despite himself Justice sat down on the bed next to Marian and carefully wiped away her tears.

"We will find her... I promise I will let nothing happen to her. Let us get dressed and we will all search for her."

"Of course... I shouldn't panic like this... I'm sorry."

"No Marian. Don't apologize... Never to me." Justice said firmly and he felt a longing to kiss her temple as Anders had done so many times, but afraid of how she would react. He felt fear of rejection and was convinced that his heart would break if she resisted him. He looked at Lilly.

"Lilly, would you go wake up Fenris?" Fenris wait... Justice felt Anders stir in his subconscious and the imagery from last night flashed through his mind. For a moment he considered going to Fenris' room himself, but he knew what the reaction would be if Fenris found Justice at his door. Both he and Anders were still to shaken from the abrupt awakening and the fear that Bethany might be hurt still remained, for Justice to retreat.

"Lilly, I want you to open the door to Fenris' room carefully and see if he should be there. Don't wake him."

Lilly did as she was told and didn't question the spirits request. Marian gave him a confused look, but was too emotional to have any coherent thought. Instead she moved closer to the spirit and comforted herself by burrowing her face in his chest. As Justice held her he became worried. He and Anders had broken her in Kirkwall. The determined and strong Champion was gone. The woman of action who started running through Kirkwall on her own searching for her mother was gone. It had only because Anders had been living with her that he had managed to get Isabela and Varric to help them, while they were searching Lowtown, that she hadn't been alone when facing Quentin. Now she couldn't do anything without him/them. They had destroyed her will of iron and her confidence. Justice felt deep feeling of regret and remorse of the injustice that they had done her. But how would he right this injustice? Perhaps he could help her regain what she had lost, but for now he secretly vowed that he would give her whatever she needed from him. Lilly came back.

"Fenris and Bethany are sleeping, father. Do you want me to wake them?"

"Bethany is with Fenris?" Marian said surprised as she sniffled. Justice stroked her arm as she answered Lilly.

"No, that's fine. Go get dressed and we will be down stairs in a few moments."

"Okay."

And then Lilly was out the door. The situation was calming and Marian looked at him giving him unspoken questions. Justice would normally retreat by now, but Marian's mental state somehow prevented it as she was still in distress. She still needed protection.

"You knew." A statement, not a question.

"Anders suspected it... He saw them having an intimate moment last night."

"When you say intimate?" Marian cocked an eyebrow.

"Oh... nothing like that... Are you alright?" Desperately wanting to finish the question with one of Anders' endearments in an attempt to further comfort her, but fearful of her reaction.

"Not yet, but I will be... just... hold me, will you?"

Justice pulled her close and stroked her back. As she rested her head on his shoulder and gave him a small kiss on his neck that made his heart flutter.

"I don't know what I would do without you... either of you."

"We will always be here for you." Justice promised as he felt himself retreating and before his host regained complete control Justice kissed her hair.

-OOO-

When Bethany awoke she saw Fenris standing looking out the window deep in thought. Her heart sank. She was so afraid that he would change his mind about them. That somehow he would remind himself that she was a mage, everything he loathed and feared and that he would leave her.

"Is something wrong?"

"No... Yes..."

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked suddenly fearful that her lack of experience was the cause of his current state of mind. How could she possibly compete with Isabela?

"No it was fine."

The disappointment became apparent in her face. Fenris realised his mistake and them went to the bed and sat down next to her. He cupped her cheek and kissed her softly.

"No that was inadequate. It was better than anything I could have dreamed."

"Did I hurt you? I thought that if a healed you your markings might not hurt? Did the magic freak you out? Give me..."

He gently silenced her with another kiss.

"You did nothing wrong. I just... for some reason I had some flashes of memories from before Danarius gave me these markings, but then they slipped away. It was... unsettling."

"Oh Fenris... I'm sorry, love."

Fenris smiled. He had never been fond of endearments or nicknames, in fact he had even kept Varric from giving him one, but hearing the adoration in her voiced made his heart swell.

"I'll be fine in a little while. I once thought my past would give me a sense of belonging, but it didn't. Now that I finally have something that has, I'm not letting you slip away."

Bethany smiled and kissed him deeply.


	18. Chapter 18 Change

Change

The next six months was much easier than the first had been. They had gotten use to their new lives and helping the new founded mage underground Anders had become much less irritable. It also gratified Marian and Bethany that they were able to help make a difference for the mages. Fenris didn't help with the mage underground and none of them where inclined to ask him. Though his view on mages seemed to have been adjusted a little he was still not fond of the idea of mages running free throughout Thedas. He didn't lecture them and there was no doubt in Marian's or Bethany's mind that should they need his help he would gladly give it. Fenris had always put his loyalty to his friends over his own convictions. Bethany and Fenris' relationship had blossomed over the past months and it warmed Marian's heart to see them both so happy. Marian had suspected for a long time, while back in Kirkwall, that Fenris had been in love with her, but she had been in love with Anders almost since the moment she met him. At the same time she had developed feelings for Fenris and if it hadn't been for Anders she could easily have seen a future with him in it. When Anders had pushed her away she had even begun entertaining the idea that perhaps she should have a relationship with Fenris. But she could never get him to overcome his hatred of mages and that made it impossible for her to pursue him in earnest. Even so the look he had given her when he found out that Anders and she were together had broken her heart. When Fenris started being with Isabela she had hoped that he might find some happiness, but then after what happened with his sister, she saw to her regret that this was not the case. Now he seemed happy and no one could treat Bethany with more adoration. Though Marian had never heard the words spoken, there was no doubt in her mind that Fenris loved her sister. Even Anders had commented that it was nice to see him brooding less, but he used every opportunity to point out that Fenris was a hypocrite. Both his sister and his lover (and brother-in-law, Marian would joke) were mages and he still couldn't agree with Anders on the cause of mages. Marian smiled when she thought that perhaps Fenris and Bethany would marry. The imagery of family reunions were an older Fenris and Anders would sit at the end of a table arguing surrounded by their children made her laugh out loud. Merry band of misfits indeed.

Lilly's training was improving and she was quickly getting skilled, but she was still young and it would be years before she would be truly capable. Fenris had commented on the possibility of her becoming possessed. This was of course not possible because of Empathy, but neither Anders nor Marian had any desire to tell Fenris about this fact. Instead Bethany reminded him that she had lived an entire lifetime outside the circle without falling prey to a demon. This seemed to calm his worries for the moment. There had been a few more episodes of her dreaming about the adults experiences, but Anders had tried to teach her how to block the dreams in the same way wardens did with the darkspawn dreams. It seemed to be working and the number of times she slept in Anders and Marian's bed were decreasing. Since Bethany was now sharing a room with Fenris, Lilly now had Barkley for company at night. This was much to Anders satisfaction since he no longer had to argue with the dog whether or not he belonged in the bed. Anders had never been happier than he was right now. There were a few happy moments in Kirkwall, but even in the beginning of his relationship with Marian, Meredith and the Grand Cleric seemed to be spoiling it. Here there was still oppression, but things where stirring and it gave him hope. That had truly been what had defined every action he had taken in Kirkwall, desperation. Even his relationship with Marian had been plagued by it. The desperation of wanting her versus the fear of hurting her. Now he could feel the change happening as desperation was turned into rational action and fear into hope. Justice was even changing slowly and raw anger was slowly being replaced with determination. Anders was unsure how much of this change had to do with Lilly and Empathy. He couldn't decide if they directly influenced him or the fact that through tutoring Lilly he was getting more clarity on his own situation. It could also be that for the first time in his life he could give attention to what he loved, Marian and Lilly. He found himself looking forward to the day where that love would be all that mattered, to the day where his attention could be focused on them alone. Justice had become more active of late, but not in the dominating way that Anders had become use to. Justice was taking a genuine interest in the people Anders loved and was no longer being lectured on the distraction and lack of priority. Somewhere along this journey the cause of mages, the love for Marian and Lilly had become one and the same. Helping mages was helping Marian and Lilly and helping them was helping the mages.

Using the secret tunnels leading away from the house they could successfully sneak in and out of the house whenever they would do a night operation for the mage underground. Though the house was isolated common activity at that hour was bound to be noticed. So far they had mainly been securing information from the Ferelden circle and sharing it with the others making sure that communication was still possible despite of the templars attempts to prevent it. Other times they had snuck people out from the circle mainly people who were going to be made tranquil or afraid of their harrowing. The Grand Enchanter had finally convinced the Divine and the templar order to allow a conclave. It was to be held in The White Spire in Orlais in two months time. This made Anders in particular both anxious and exited. He hoped the enchanters would finally stand up to their oppressors, but feared that it would end in appeasement. However the description of Grand Enchanter Fiona gave them all reason to hope. A former Grey Warden who rejoined the circle to fight the oppression of her people.

News from Varric hadn't changed much. It was still impossible to tell if the templars believed Anders to be dead or alive, but according to Varric's information since the situation with the mages was intensifying it seemed favourable to the templars to pronounce him dead as a statement to others. Information about Sebastian was vague. Apparently he had been all over the Freemarches searching for allies to regain his throne, but had yet to make a strike at his usurper. For now at least it seemed as they were safe, but for how long?

Autumn was rapidly approaching and today was a happy day. This was Lilly's nameday. It was at the same time as the harvest celebrations. Freddy and his wife, Martha, had proven themselves delightful neighbours. They were more interested in small talk and local gossip than anything else, so uncomfortable questions were never an issue. The celebrations were held in their garden, since it was still warm enough to sit outside. Besides the "Hawke"-family, Freddy and Martha a few of the farmhands, their wives and children joined the celebration. Bann Teagan also showed up, much to Marian's surprise, but since it was after all his house and fields maybe she should have expected it. At the end they were around twenty-five people. Marian and Bethany had been spending the day preparing some food and a cake for Lilly, while Fenris had been in charge of entertaining Lilly. Anders however had disappeared mysteriously right after breakfast and had been gone until past noon. When he finally returned he had just smiled sheepishly instead of revealing where he had been. The guests had arrived and Fenris, Anders and Lilly were in the garden. Anders and Fenris were dressed in ordinary clothes which still felt strange to both of them. Lilly was wearing a white dress given to her as a gift from Martha and Freddy. It had apparently belonged to one of their now grown daughters and fit Lilly like a glove. Fenris had bought her some paints and brushes last time he was in Denerim and Lilly had spend the entire morning painting pictures of them all. When she had proudly showed them to Anders, he smilingly commented that Fenris' shouldn't be smiling to which Fenris just groaned. Bethany had given Lilly her first grimoire and Marian had given her a new teddy bear. Marian had never thought that her mother's insistence to teach her to knit would ever pay off. The only one who still hadn't given Lilly her gift was Anders. Marian and Bethany finally joined the party and the two men were stunned. Anders had often seen Marian in beautiful dresses of course, even more elaborate than the red one she was currently wearing, but it still surprised him what in name of the Andreaste she was doing with him? She looked like nothing less than a princess and had Sebastian gotten his wish that was what she would have been. Instead here she was, living in hiding in a small house with a man with no real future to offer her. Had Anders not been preoccupied with whispering words of adoration to Marian he would have rolled over laughing at Fenris' face. Bethany was wearing the blue dress she had bought in Rivain and he was speechless. It was only when she walked over to him giving him a smile as she kissed his cheek that he awoke from this daze.

After eating Lilly finally became impatient because Anders hadn't given her, her gift yet. She jumped on to her father's lap and with the sweetest pout possible she asked.

"Father, can I have my present now, pleaseeee?"

"I suppose I have kept you waiting long enough, but let's go into the sitting room." He laughed kindly.

Lilly excitedly ran into the house dragging Anders along while Marian, Bethany and even Fenris followed them in great curiosity. Inside the sitting room Anders asked Lilly to sit on the floor and he then got a basket from the back of the room. Before opening it he began.

"You have shown great responsibility and caring for others this past year. I am very proud of you, sweetheart. Both Marian and I love you very much. Promise me that you will always remember that no matter what might happen in the future."

Marian's heart stopped. He was sounding just like he did a year ago before he blew up the chantry in Kirkwall. She comforted herself with the thought that we was probably just talking in general since his life would possibly be in danger for the rest of his life. At any moment he could be taken from them, be it templars, the cause of mages, the wardens, Vengeance or the taint. Marian felt as if she wanted to cry, but controlled herself.

"I promise. I love you too." Lilly said with a look on her face that made both Anders and Marian smile.

"It is because of this that I have decided that you are old enough to take care of this gift."

Anders then opened the basket and in was a young red, grey and white kitten. Lilly's eyes widened and she hugged Anders tightly thanking him over and over. The next half an hour was spend with Anders and Lilly playing with the small kitten, now named Spotty, and Marian wondered teasingly if Anders had truly gotten the kitten for Lilly or himself. When Lilly started yawning Anders took her and Spotty to her room and tucked her into bed. When Marian went back outside Fenris and Bethany were dancing. Despite Fenris' movements were graceful it still seemed odd to see him dancing. Marian was a little startled when Anders suddenly stood behind her kissing her neck.

"I have something for you as well, love."

"For me?"

"Yes... I know it is not your nameday for another few months, but I want to give this to you now."

He gently turned her around and she realized that his breath became heavier and his expression was serious.

"I love you so much, Marian. You are the one bright light in my life. You have sacrificed so much to be with me and I can never give you back everything that you have lost."

She started to object, but he put a finger to her mouth to silence her.

"Please, let me finish... This past year has been a revelation for me. I have known for a long time that loosing you would kill me, but now I know that just living without you could do it. It would not only affect me, but Justice as well. Both parts of me love you more than anything and by having both you and Lilly in my life I feel less lost. For the first time in my life I feel like I am not alone. I have nothing to offer you, but my love. I never want to leave you so will you... stay with me always?"

Marian's heart was beating so fast she could hardly breathe and when he took out two wedding bands from his pocket a tear fell. She wrapped her arms around his neck and repeated the words she had said to him in Kirkwall, when he asked to move in with her.

"Until the day we die."

He hugged her and lifted her slightly off the ground as he laughed.

"I am glad you said yes or the next part would have been embarrassing."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was in Redcliff today to get the kitten and the rings, but also because I had to talk with Bann Teagan. For obvious reasons I think a chantry wedding is out of the question."

"I don't want our marriage to be sanctified by a religion that treats my husband as a monster, anyway." She grumbled in a way that made Anders smile. Sometimes he thought that she might even dislike the chantry more than he did, if that was possible.

"I love you, but even so we need someone else to marry us. Bann Teagan has the ability to sanction a union within his own lands, so I asked him to come here today."

"Lucky for you that I said yes then. Imagine the scandal if I said "no"? Being the mother of your child and all." Marian remarked with a hint of teasing sarcasm.

"Sweetheart, I am the luckiest bastard in all of Thedas." Anders laughed.

It turned out that Bethany, Fenris, Freddy and Martha had been aware about Anders' plan all along. In fact Martha had been pestering him about making a decent woman out of Marian, ever since Marian accidently had let slip that they weren't in fact married. It also turned out that Lilly hadn't been put to bed, but instead was asked to come down with some flowers for Marian. The ceremony was short and in some ways their union was more like conducting a business transaction than anything else, but it didn't matter. They loved each other and though Marian wished for her mother, father, Carver and all off their friends in Kirkwall to be there, she took comfort in those people that were, her beloved Bethany, loyal Fenris and adorable Lilly. And with Martha there to cry and fuss like a mother and Freddy to act as though he was the proud father of both bride and groom, she could not have imagined anything more lovely. Anders could not believe his luck as he put the wedding band on his wife's hand. What would the world say if it knew that the mighty Champion of Kirkwall and heir to the Amell line had married the most wanted apostate in Thedas? He wondered if Leandra would have commented on the fact that her oldest daughter seemed to follow the family tradition. He then thought of Varric and how disappointed he would be not being able to tell the story about all that had happened the past ten months. One day he would like to tell him. As Lilly hugged both her adopted parents Anders felt happier than he ever thought possible. Perhaps he would one day feel like this without the mage cause constantly lurking in the back of his mind.

-OOO-

He was pacing back and forth in the sitting room. This was nothing less than torture! Bethany and Marian should have been back hours ago and now it was almost dawn. Void take that damned mage underground and their determination to always involve themselves in other peoples affairs! Marian had always been like that, but did she have to take Bethany with her? And where was that mage? He had been out looking for them with the hound while he had been forced to stay back here with Lilly. To be honest he trusted Barkley far more than he did Anders when it came to Marian and Bethany's safety, but there was one thing that Fenris reluctantly had to admit. The mage was the only other person in Thedas that was just as worried about them as he was. Fenris finally heard the door open and ran towards it, only to his disappointment to see Anders.

"You!" Fenris growled.

"Happy to see you too, Fenris." Anders remarked sarcastically.

"Did you find them?"

"No. Barkley couldn't even find a good trace of them. I had hoped that they would be back by now."

"We need to go after them. This is all your fault!"

"How can it by my fault? I wasn't even with them."

"If it hadn't been for you and your determination to turn all of Thedas into a state of chaos, this wouldn't have happened."

"The world has to change!"

Fenris charged towards Anders blue flashing through his tattoos while starring into his eyes with a deadly gaze he growled.

"But at what cost? If you are willing to get yourself killed so be it! I might even help you! But risking the life of the woman you **claim** to love! Risking the life of the one I..." Fenris stopped midsentence. He had no desire to bare his heart to the abomination.

As Justice began to surface, Barkley began growling and barking trying to force himself in between them.

"Don't you dare insinuate that I don't love her? Need I remind you that if I hadn't done what I did, **your** lover wouldn't be free to be with you in the first place. You are such a..."

"Father?"

Lilly was standing groggy and sleepily on the stairs with spotty in her arms. Both men immediately started to calm and even felt guilty that they had woken her. Justice retreated. The last thing they needed or wanted was for her to worry. She looked at Barkley and then stared at both men.

"I'm sorry we woke you, sweetheart. Please go back to bed and get some sleep. I will be up in a few minutes to tuck you in."

Lilly put down the cat and walked towards Anders and reached for him to get him to lift her up. He did as she wanted and kissed her hair.

"Why are you and Fenris angry and sad?"

"It's nothing, Lilly. We just had a disagreement."

Lilly gave Anders a distrustful look and then looked at Fenris. Lilly had quickly learned that Anders would lie in order to protect her, while Fenris would never shield her from the truth. Another difference between the two men who made them argue.

"Fenris?" she asked.

"Your mother and Bethany should have been back a few hours ago. The ab... Anders and I are concerned for their safety."

Anders secretly cursed the elf for his inability to keep his mouth shut, but knew that with Lilly's empathic abilities it would be hard to shield her from something that affected them both so deeply.

"But we are going to go looking for them. If I leave you with Martha and Freddy will you promise to behave yourself?" Anders asked her.

"Of course, father. Does this mean that you are done fighting now?"

"Yes little one." Fenris smiled.

Apparently satisfied Lilly quickly ran upstairs with Anders to get dressed and was then escorted over the Freddy's farm. The old couple gladly helped without asking about the circumstances. Fenris and Anders then travelled towards Redcliff. They **had** to find them.


	19. Chapter 19 The price for freedom

The price for freedom

When they arrived at Redcliff they had hardly spoken one word to each other. Varric had on several occasions told them that they were more alike than either of them cared to admit. This was never more apparent than right now. The women that they loved were missing and they had both responded with rage. It was their common safety zone. When they felt that rage running through their veins they felt less vulnerable and empowered even. But now they had to remain calm and collected, not an easy task for either of them. Normally they had Hawke to keep them from coming to blows, but now they needed to overcome their differences on their own. They were standing outside the city limits looking down upon the town.

"I'll go to find our contacts in the mage collective, while you watch for templars." Anders stated.

"Do you think I will trust you to find Hawke and Bethany?"

"Would you stop with your "all mages are evil"- diatribe for one minute?"

"They might not all be evil, but one of them is extremely annoying." Fenris smirked and Anders gave an irritable groan.

"Fine, clearly you are right about everything, so what would you suggest?"

"Look Anders, the chance of you getting captured or simply recognized is very high and if something has happened to Bethany and Hawke I can't help them alone. Surely you can let go of your pride for a little while."

"Says the one who got tempted by a pride demon." Anders grumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing... I... You are right. You need to talk to a man named Ramous down by the docks. Tell him Andrew send you."

About an hour later Fenris returned with Ramous. Ramous was an apostate in his mid-forties who had been involved with the mage collective for many years. Anders got up from the ground where he had been sitting the moment they appeared.

"About time! What did you find out?"

"Not here... Come with me." Ramous whispered and made Fenris and Anders follow him. They where let around the city to a basement hatch Anders knew. It was in this basement they had most of their meetings. When they got inside they saw around fifteen people sitting or laying in the basement. They all had injuries. Anders started to examine them and treated the most serious injuries first. Fenris looked around, but didn't see Bethany or Hawke anywhere. His heart almost stopped beating. Was Bethany laying somewhere hurt or worse dead? He had been around Anders long enough to know when Anders was upset or worried. Not that it was difficult to see for anyone, Anders always seemed to keep his emotion right there on the surface. He had to give the mage some credit, even though he was as worried as Fenris, he still took the time to be kind and caring towards his patients. Ramous showed Fenris to a table in the next room, where they could sit and they were shortly joined by an exhausted Anders.

"What in the void happened to all these people?" Anders asked.

"Remember the conclave that was supposed to be held in Orlais five days ago?" Ramous answered.

"Of course I do. What about it and what does it have to do with what happened to these people? Not to mention Marian and Bethany?"

"The conclave didn't go as planned. The templars interrupted the conclave and ended up fighting all the enchanters."

"Maker!" Anders gasped.

"Then yesterday the mages retaliated by breaking into The White Spire, freeing the mages that were captured and destroying all the phylacteries. In addition to this the send a message to the other circles in Thedas using the communication crystals. There has started an uprising in all the circles in Thedas."

Anders and Justice felt exhilarated and exited until they remembered something vital. Marian and Bethany had been in the circle freeing some mages from being made tranquil when the uprising occurred. In an instance happiness and exhilaration turned into an unspeakable anxiety.

"Marian?" He asked as his voice croaked. Ramous looked away and Fenris' thoughts again turned to Bethany. Ramous must believe them dead or beyond saving.

"No! They have to be alive! We will find them."

"I'm sorry. Going after them would be suicide. They are dead." Remous reasoned.

"No, I will not allow it!" Fenris roared. He would have been overcome with grief if not for the fact that he saw that all too familiar light of blue as Anders fell to his knees.

"Marian! Maker no! Don't be dead! Please!" He cried while Justice slowly consumed him. Fenris ordered Ramous to get out. He was about to draw he sword, but then decided to try something else. Whenever this had happened before Marian always seemed to calm him by talking to him. Lilly needed him, how could he go back to that little girl and tell her that she had lost both her parents once again. And who would take care of her after. Now there was no circle, Fenris couldn't give her what she needed and there was no way in the void he was sending her to tevinter or leaving her in Merill's care.

"Mage... Anders calm down."

"They will die for what they did to her!" Justice roared.

"Killing people that are here won't help! If you attack I will not hesitate to kill you! Do you want Lilly to become an orphan again?" Fenris said in a deadly low growl. Justice panted and hissed as anger seemed to be oozing from his body. Just as Fenris was about to pull his sword in responds to what he believed to be an inevitable attack Anders collapsed onto the floor and gave one loud cry.

"I can't lose her, Fenris. I can't." He almost whispered.

"I know. I will go find out the route they where suppose to take on their way back and we will go after them."

Anders nodded and got up. Fenris was almost relieved to see a certain amount of determination in his eyes.

-OOO-

Travelling across the countryside, searching for his apostate lover, while in the company of an abomination, who just happened to be his brother-in-law. Fenris was beginning to think Sebastian and the chantry was wrong. The Maker hadn't left them, he was toying with them and their lives in some sadistic game where only he knew the rules. They were walking in the dead of night with Anders in front at a pace faster than Fenris had ever seen him. That warden stamina was certainly not exaggerated. Fenris was strong, but this was wearing his strength. They had hardly spoken a word, but only communicated with gestures on knowing looks when necessary. Strange how well you can get to know a person that you loathe and how well you could work together as long as you had a common goal. It made the difference between friendship and rivalry seem like a hair thin line. Fenris noticed a carriage coming towards them up ahead and signalled Anders with nothing more than a nod. Anders in responds pointed towards some bushes where they could take cover until the carriage passed. There were about five people on the open carriage and beside it walked three people as they got close Anders' gaze intensified on one of the shadows.

"Marian..." He whispered stood up and ran towards them. Fenris ran after him. The idiot was going to get himself killed if he was wrong, but at the same time he was hoping to see Bethany. As soon as Anders got to the carriage Marian was behind him with a knife to his throat.

"It's me, love. Anders." He gasped careful not to move as the knife would surely cut his throat.

"Anders..." She let go of him and threw her arms around him as she began sobbing.

"Shh... it's alright."

"No it's not... Bethany..."

"What happened?" Fenris almost roared. Marian turned around and then carefully took both Anders' and Fenris' hands. She took them to the back of the cart where they could see a lifeless body. Anders jumped up beside her and started healing her.

"One of the mages tried to heal the most severe injuries, but she had been unconscious for hours. I knew that if I didn't get her home soon there would be permanent damage. I failed her... I..." Marian said as tears fell from her eyes and she sat in the cart next to him. Anders cradled her with one arm.

"You did what you could, love. Don't blame yourself."

"Will she make it?" Fenris asked as he gently took Bethany's hand.

"I believe so. There are no fatal injuries, but I am worried about her right leg in particular. I will heal her as much as possible, but only time will tell if she will fully recover."

"Then let's get going."

-OOO- Two days later -OOO-

Two days past and Fenris hadn't left Bethany's side for a moment. Anders had managed to heal most of the damage, but she was still unconscious. Marian had been fatigued and had been in emotional turmoil. Not surprisingly after what happened to both Carver and her mother. She felt responsible for what happened, but she was still to tell Anders what that was. She was sitting at the Kitchen table that evening when Anders came downstairs after checking on Bethany. Lilly was playing with Spotty and Barkley in the sitting room. He poured himself a cup of tea and sat down next to her.

"I was so worried about you. Justice got so scared that he might have crossed the veil into the fade just to find you."

That earned him the first smile he had had from Marian since that night.

"Sorry Justice. I didn't mean to frighten either of you."

"Would you like to talk about what happened?"

"Well almost as soon as we reached the tower we could hear fighting. Mages and templars everywhere trying to kill each other. It reminded me so much of that night in Kirkwall. We could not just sit by so we helped the mages. One of the young apprentices gave into a pride demon that started a rampage taking out I don't know how many templars. After that a surprising number of templars fled the tower. Bethany and I knew we had to deal with the pride demon and together with a few mages we tried to take it down. We succeeded, but not before it had crushed Bethany. It almost looked like when Carver was killed... I..."

"Shhh... love it was not your fault and Bethany is going to be fine. It's my fault I shouldn't have let you go without me."

"She wanted to go and we agreed that one of us needed to remain behind for Lilly's sake."

-OOO- Upstairs -OOO-

When Bethany awoke she could feel her entire body aching. The last thing she remembered was the pride demon reaching down and throwing her across the room. Marian! Was she alright? Bethany opened her eyes and found herself in her bedroom and was greeted with a kiss that surprised her. Fenris pulled away a little and rested his forehead on hers.

"You frightened me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't do that again." He said in a tone that was half ordering and half pleading.

"I promise. Is Marian alright?"

"Yes, she is worried sick. I'll go get her and Anders."

Fenris kissed her temple before going downstairs. A few minutes later they all came back upstairs and Marian almost jumped across the room hugging her sister.

"Sorry sister. I didn't mean to make you worry so."

"No Bethany, I'm sorry. I should have looked over you more closely."

"It was not your fault. Don't blame yourself."

"That's what I have been telling her. Not to be rude, but could you move a bit, love, so I can see to my patient."

Marian moved and Anders removed the covers and started examining Bethany's leg. Fenris felt jealousy creeping up on him, but reminded himself that it was a medical examination.

"Is it bad, Anders? It doesn't feel like it should." Bethany asked.

"The person who healed this was inexperienced. It is not life threatening by any means, but your leg might never be as it used to be."

"Meaning what?" Marian asked her voice filled with worried.

"It might be stiff for a long while. You need to keep your weight of it for several months and even then it might not heal probably."

"So I need to use a cane... at least for a while?"

"Yes... I am sorry, there is nothing more I can do. I'm so sorry Bethany."

As a tear fell from Bethany's eyes Fenris pushed Anders out of the way and held her. Anders decided not to take offence, had it been Marian he might have done the same.

"You are strong, Bethany. You will overcome this." Fenris tried to comfort her.

"I'm a cripple. What if I will always be like this will you then still love me?"

"Always." He whispered in her ear as Marian and Anders left the room.

-OOO- Later that evening -OOO-

It knocked on the door and Anders looked out the window to see a hooded man standing by their door. Anders told Lilly to run up stairs to Fenris and Bethany, while he and Marian grabbed their weapons. Anders concealed his staff behind his back as he opened the door.

"Ramous! What are you doing here?"

"Hello Andrew. I have some news may I come in?"

"Of course."

Ramous went towards Marian and gave her a hug.

"Marian! I can't tell how relieved I was to hear that you where alive. How is your sister?"

"She is a little better, thank you. Do you want some tea?"

Ramous thanked her for the offer and all three of them sat down at the kitchen table. A worried Fenris joined them only moments later, but relaxed when he saw Ramous.

"What was it you wanted to tell us?" Marian asked.

"Right... there is to be another conclave in some ruins in Orlais."

"Another one? But the circles have rebelled?" Anders asked very confused.

"Yes, the circles have decided to meet and decide what to do from now on."

They talked for a little while before Ramous left through the back tunnels. When he left Anders turned around and looked at Marian.

"I have to go."

"Are you an idiot mage? Do you want to get caught?" Fenris replied angrily.

"I have not started a revolution, not to be there when its fate is decided. The cause of mages is what I am, I have to fight."

"I know, love. And I'm coming with you." Marian smiled. Fenris threw up his hands as he grunted with disgust and left the room. Anders smiled at her and kissed her.

"We will leave tomorrow at first light."

-OOO- Orlais a week later -OOO-

"I vote that we fight." The last enchanter said while the snow was falling all around them. Anders released a breath that he didn't know he had been holding. Both he and Marian kept to the back and did their best not to get noticed. This was his people, but even getting recognized here wouldn't be a good thing. No matter what his intention was some of them undoubtedly believed he had forced this change upon them all. Anders knew that this change had been inevitable, but after hearing the different enchanters it was clear that not all had been of this conviction. He had never expected to be regarded as a hero. That was never what he wanted. He had expected to become a martyr and he had in some sense as most believed him to be dead. Once again he couldn't believe that he had been spared. It was even more unbelievable that the woman who spared him married him. He almost laughed at this strange twist of fate. Marian hugged him, but then suddenly Justice stirred. Anders could feel the taint in his blood singing. There was more than one warden here. He looked franticly around the room and saw Grand Enchanter Fiona, but couldn't find the other source. Then he turned around and stood face to face with the other warden, Anna Amell.

"Anders..." She almost whispered.

Marian jumped a little and started reaching for her daggers, but Anders calmly took her by the wrist to stop her.

"It's alright, love."

"Love? You? In love?" Anna looked like she had seen a ghost. She then smiled.

"And here I thought you wanted a harem. Wasn't that the next stop after "raining down fireballs on every templar in creation"?"

"No, harem. This is my wife Marian... Hawke." Anders smiled a little apologetic at Marian.

"The champion? It's a pleasure to meet you. I am Anna Amell."

Even as they were talking very quietly Anna made the suggestion that they would go somewhere privately to talk. When out of earshot from anyone else Anna began.

"So what happened Anders? I have business at soldiers peak for three months and when I return to Vigils keep I find out that you have not only have you vanished, but killed a half dozen wardens and templars. Next time I hear about you, it's from Nathanial who tells me that not only have you merged with Justice, but also blown up a bloody chantry. What in the void happened?"

"What else did you expect when you recruit templars to watch me? Apparently even the taint-brigade draw the line at abominations. Did you honestly believe that I would stick around for that?"

"I didn't recruit templars to watch you, Anders. The Orlisian warden did. I never distrusted you or Justice and I am sorry that either of you would think so little of me. And as for you being an abomination, that is not a good term for it. Come with me please."

The followed her to a tree behind the ruin. There stood two women, a man and was that a golem? Marian froze when she saw that one of the women was Sister Nightingale, Leliana. Anders saw it to and reached for his staff.

"Calm down, warden. Nothing will happen to you. Leliana is an old friend." Anna stated.

"It came after all then. The elderly mage would have been pleased." The golem stated.

"Of course I came. It's good to see you again, Shale."

Anna then gave Leliana a hug and then went to offer her condolences to the man. The man and his female companion then left them. Leliana then came over to Marian.

"Champion. It is good to see you again, though I had thought at our last meeting that you truly intended to warn Elthina not elope with her murderer."

Marian was about to defend herself, but wasn't given a chance as Anders interfered.

"She did warn Elthina, but she refused to listen. Marian did try to end things in Kirkwall peacefully. Marian knew nothing of what I was planning. Her only crime is showing me mercy."

"I see... The Maker wants us to try and be merciful whenever possible. I am glad you found mercy in your heart champion."

"I think it had more to do with love to be honest." Marian gave a small smile that was returned by Leliana.

"Love can make us overlook other people's shortcomings. She must love you very much. I hope you will not waist the mercy or love she provided."

"I will not." Anders answered sincerely.

Leliana sighed and shook her head. Anna came up to them and had heard the most of the conversation.

"We all make great sacrifices for the ones we love. Maker knows I have made mine. Leliana would you give us some privacy?"

"Of course."

Leliana left and went over to Shale. Anna then stood in front what appeared to be a grave.

"Who is buried here?" Marian asked.

"Wynne. She was a mage that helped me during the blight and was both Anders' and my mentor. She died during the attack in the White Spire. She was also possessed by a fade-spirit. A spirit of Faith. So see Anders and Justice, you are not so abominable after all."

"Wynne was possessed? I'm sorry, Anna. I knew she meant a lot to you." Anders said as he gently touched her shoulder.

"She did... I'm glad I found you Anders. I need you back with the wardens." Anna said as she turned around and gave him a determined look. She knew she was going to have a fight on her hands.

"No Anna. I'm not going back."

"It wasn't a request **warden**."

"No force in Thedas can make me. I have a responsibility to the mages and to my wife. The wardens have done fine without me so far."

"Please, commander. Anders has worked so hard for this." Marian reasoned.

"Think carefully, Anders. In the wardens I am able to protect you and there is far more at stake here than your selfish prattle." Anna spat.

"Selfish? I am trying to save the life of every mage in Thedas! You of all people should understand that!"

"I do, but there is more important ma..."

"The answer is "**no**", Anna!" Anders growled and Anan replied with a sad sigh.

"Then you give me no choice, Anders. I'm sorry. I hereby conscript Marian Hawke into the Grey Wardens."

"What?" Marian gasped.

"You wouldn't dare?" Justice growled.

"Oh, wouldn't I? Either you come with me this instance or Marian **will **become a warden."

Justice starred down his commander, but she didn't move. She had killed an arch demon, she was not going to be overruled be a possessed mage. Justice lowered his head in defeat and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He then turned to Marian, who started to cry silently. Justice then kissed her deeply as he knew Anders had done so many times before him and was relieved when she kissed him back without hesitation.

"Don't leave me." She pleaded, but knew that it would be no use.

"I'm sorry, Marian. Be safe and give Lilly a kiss from me. I will always love you." Anders and Justice replied in unison. Then he left following his commander, leaving Marian alone in the cold winter snow and for a long moment Marian wished that it was her and not the old woman lying in the cold snow-covered grave.


	20. Chapter 20 The Champion part 1

The champion part 1

Bethany was still struggling to get down the stairs. Thanks to Anders' healing those first days her leg wasn't hurting, it was just stiff and lost mobility. Fenris had gotten a cane for her. She was grateful, but Maker she hated the thing. She was only in her mid twenties, but when slowly moving down the stairs with a cane she felt like an old woman. Fenris must have heard her because he was now halfway up the stairs to help her. He gave her a worried look. If it wasn't for the fact that Bethany was upset about herself and not being able to cope on her own, it was really sweet. For his hard exterior he was really protective and considerate.

"You know, when I said I didn't want to **run** from templars anymore this wasn't exactly what I meant."

"I know... When Anders returns maybe he can help you."

"There is nothing he can do. It just needs time to heal, but I won't be able to work in Redcliff for a while, what will we do for coin?"

"We will manage. Are you in pain?"

"No, thankfully."

"Anders did a good job then." Fenris stated.

"Was that praise? If I didn't know better I'd say you two where becoming friends." Bethany answered teasingly.

"Well, thankfully you do know better." Fenris added with a smirk.

They went into the kitchen and when Bethany wanted to make some tea Fenris tried to convince her to sit. She shushed him and was quite determined to do it herself. Fenris cursed something in tevinter that Bethany guessed would translate to something like "Damn the stubbornness of Hawke women". Fenris kept looking out the window and Bethany became nervous until she realized it was because Lilly was playing outside and he was keeping an eye on her. Bethany smiled. She had never imagined Fenris being a fatherly type, but he seemed to take to the responsibility quite well. With Anders it was clear to see that he was a great father. Anders reminded both sisters a lot of their own father and it was clear that Lilly adored him. Freddy had one day told Anders that a girl who adored her father would grow up to marry men just like him, to which Anders had blurted out "Maker, I hope not!". A statement that made Freddy laugh, not realizing just how sincerely Anders meant it. The weeks Anders and Marian had been away Fenris had become more dominant in raising Lilly and though he did it very differently from Anders and Malcolm Hawke, Bethany thought it adorable. He was firm, direct and a little strict, but there was always a caring in his voice, that made it seem loving and kind. Fenris looked at Bethany with a smile, who suddenly realized she had been starring at him. She returned an embarrassed smiled, when they suddenly heard Lilly scream in excitement and running towards the road. Fenris ad Bethany went towards the door. When they got outside Bethany cursed that she couldn't run to greet her sister and it was only then that she didn't realize something was wrong when Fenris stopped suddenly.

"It's only Marian."

Bethany looked and horror struck her when she realized he was right. Lilly finally reached Marian, who pulled the little girl up into her arms in an almost desperate movement, while Barkley was jumping around in excitement. When Marian went up to them, still caring Lilly, Barkley turned around to look down the road and gave a whine. He had also noticed the absence of Anders. It was then that Lilly started to look around for him. The little girl had assumed that Anders would not be far behind.

"Where is father?"

"He is with a friend. There was something he needed to take care of."

Lilly looked at Marian feeling her pain as well as her own disappointment, unsure whether to trust Marian's words or her feelings. Marian had trouble keeping her emotions under control, but then remembered Anders last request before he left with the warden-commander.

"He asked me to give you a kiss from him and tell you that he loves you." Marian smiled and kissed Lilly's forehead. Bethany thankfully decided to help getting Lilly's thoughts of her father being missing.

"Lilly has been painting nonstop since you left. She is becoming quite talented." Bethany smiled.

"And she lit the fireplace with magic last night." Fenris added, not as fond of it when it occurred, but now any distraction would be welcome for Lilly's sake.

"You did? You are growing up so fast. Soon you will be a big girl." Marian smiled though it never reached her eyes.

"I **am **a big girl." Lilly stated in-matter-of-factly tone.

"That you are. I would love to see your paintings, will you go up to your room and get them and I will join you in five minutes."

Lilly jumped down, but went into the house very hesitantly. She knew something was wrong and part of her wanted to stay and comfort Marian. Another part wanted to cry, she knew something had happened to Anders, but Empathy told her to trust that Marian would tell her later and right now Marian needed Lilly to do as she was told without asking questions. As soon as Lilly went inside the house Marian collapsed in Bethany's arms, but didn't cry.

"They took him." She said angrily.

"Who, Marian? The templars? Sebastian?"

"The wardens... Anna Amell... **BITCH!**"

"Our cousin? Why did she take Anders?"

"Joining the wardens is for life." Fenris stated with a touch of sympathy in his voice.

When inside Marian told them about what had happened at the conclave. Needles to say Bethany was heartbroken on her sister's behalf. She knew what Anders had meant to Marian. He was there when Bethany was taken to the circle, when their mother died and even as he turned the whole world upside down he was still there for Marian, preventing her from falling into a bottomless pit. He had given Marian a strength that only their father had inspired in her before.

Fenris was more optimistic than Bethany. Not because he did not understand what the loss meant to Hawke. For reasons beyond his comprehension she loved the mage and he did know she was heartbroken. But like Anders, he had seen her change this past year. He had seen this fearless champion crumble and become absolutely helpless. Suddenly the undefeated Goddess had the resemblance of a weak scared little girl clinging to her lover as if she was going to break under her own weight and jumping at the slightest shadow. Now he saw the Champion of Kirkwall returning. There were a defiance in her eyes, courage in her voice and a ferocious body language that would terrify even the largest Arch Demon in history. Someone had pushed her too far and awoken the warrior heart that had been dormant for so long. This gave Fenris hope and even felt sympathy for those who would dare to trifle with her.

Marian felt it to, but she knew what Anders had said of Lilly. If she were to pick up on this anger what would happen to empathy? She needed to find a way to vent it. The next hours where spend sparring with Fenris, chopping wood and running in the forest. She didn't know how many hours had passed when she finally came home again. She didn't eat or drink and just went up to the bedroom and paused at the door. She went inside determined not to let this get the better of her. She was going to get him back, no matter the cost. She could feel the anger twisting inside her and started to wonder if this was what twisted Justice. It had never felt like this. Only once had anger slightly resembled this and that was when her mother died. Then Anders had been there to comfort her, but not this time. This time there was no one. She heard the door open and saw Lilly come inside. Lilly! How could she forget? So caught up in her own anger, that she forgot this little girl who needed her. She was reminded of when her own mother blamed her for Carters death. Marian had promised never to react that way, but by ignoring Lilly had she done something worse? The child hesitated inside the door.

"It's alright, dearest."

Lilly went to Marian and hugged her tightly and then started to cry.

"You never saw my paintings."

"I know. I'm sorry. I will see them now if you like?"

Lilly nodded and picked them up right outside the door where she apparently had left them. Remembering that Bethany had taught her a small firespell Marian got an unlit candle.

"Will you light this for me?"

Lilly gave a small smile and did as she was asked. There where paintings of all of them and Marian had to smile when she saw one of Anders and Spotty.

"Mother?"

"Yes?"

"Will he come back?"

"I don't know." Marian said as her heart broke. She pulled away the covers and tucked Lilly into bed and lay down next to her cradling her. They only had each other now, but Marian refused to let it end this way. She would get Anders back. Lilly needed him. **They** needed him.

-OOO-

The next week Marian spend in her room hardly eating or drinking and had it not been for Lilly sleeping with her, she probably wouldn't be doing that either. The days she spent, looking through maps and books to find any blasted Grey Warden outpost in Ferelden in a desperate attempt to find Anders. Assuming that the commander had even taken him somewhere in Ferelden. How could this woman take away Anders? She was supposed to be supporting the rebellion and supporting the rebellion meant supporting Anders, as far as Marian was concerned. Could Anna not see that the mages needed him and Justice? Marian had hardly spoken to anyone and Bethany was getting worried. Marian had finally confided in Bethany about Lilly's special abilities and Bethany kept Lilly away from her during the day so the anger wouldn't rub off on her. Even so it was showing in Lilly's behaviour. Bethany had been teaching Lilly instead of Anders, but found it hard since her abilities were so different from her own. Bethany had even gone through Anders grimoir in order to find something that might help, but besides some mental exercises and healing spells there was nothing. Fenris, now being the sole provider of the family, had left in order to perform some mercenary jobs. And of course the day were Marian was the most absent and Lilly the most defiant, Freddy showed up in the middle of Lilly's tantrum. Lilly was screaming and Bethany finally sent her to her room. Bethany sat down and sighed. Her leg was not doing any better, Lilly was being difficult, Marian was obsessed and isolated and with Fenris gone Bethany felt all alone in the world. She had even considered sending for Merill, Aveline or Varric. Freddy gave her a worried look.

"You are tired my dear. You should get some rest."

"I'd love to, but at the moment that is not an option."

"She doesn't mean it ya know. Lilly I mean. She is just missing her father."

"I know and she is not the only one."

"Marian is feeling it to I bet."

"Yes... I don't even know the last time she ate."

"I'll go talk to her." Bethany gave him a doubtful look.

"Now don't look at me like that. I have three grown up daughters in case you forgot." Freddy winked and went up stairs. He knocked on the bedroom door and entered. Marian was sitting at a desk with maps and papers everywhere. Marian gave him a startled look, but didn't object.

"May I?" Freddy asked and gestured to the bed. Marian nodded and he sat down.

"Did the templars take him?"

Marian turned white. How did he know Anders was a mage?

"No..."

"Who took him then?"

Marian didn't respond and Freddy went to the desk. Marian tried to hide her research, but Freddy just gently moved her hand and look down.

"Ah... the wardens."

Marian panicked.

"How do you know he was a mage and how can you act so calmly about the wardens? Who told you? Did you tell them where we were going?" Marian all but shouted.

"Calm down, dear. It's not what you think. No one told us anything. I might not ask a lot, but that does not mean I don't see. People who have used this house have been in hiding. They have always been careful about not being noticed, but you people more so than the rest. You were hiding from everyone, meaning that you either did something terrible or have the whole world against them. Perhaps both and that is most commonly mages."

"Not all mages are evil! They are people!" Marian spat, but Freddy remained calm.

"I know... And your husband is a good one. He healed me a couple of months back. Asked me not to tell you, he did. He didn't want you to worry. Would have lost me foot if not for him."

"Of course he did. He used to heal people back where we lived before. He didn't take any coin for it even though he had nothing, but the clothes on his back." She smiled sadly.

"As I said, a good one... I never told you about my son did I?"

"I didn't know you had a son."

"I did. A good lad. Always helped around the farm and listened to his mama and pops. When he was ten he got so furious at the water pump for being frozen that he exploded the thing." Freddy chuckled.

"Were you frightened of him?"

"What for? He was still my son, the lad who would walk around for hours in the middle of the night with a colicky horse without complaining."

"You didn't tell the templars?"

"No, he was my only son. We kept it to ourselves. But when the boy was fourteen he saw a man get mugged in Redcliff. The foolish boy used his magic to defend him and what would you know. The man he saved turned him over to the templars. No good deed goes unpunished. There was nothing I could do, but see my son be taken away. That was over twenty years ago."

And then for the first time Marian started to cry hard. Freddy patted her head gently. He knew all too well the grief she was feeling, be it templars or wardens getting the one you love taken away, could break even the hardest of hearts. This was what she needed. Marian knew that she could be comforted by Bethany, but she had always been responsible for her little sister and didn't want to burden her. Fenris would listen, but couldn't give her comfort and Lilly was just a child. That was why Anders was the most important person in her life. He had been the only one who she could truly confine in and now he was gone.

That night Marian slept better than she had in weeks and her anger seemed to be disappearing. Holding this little girl in her arms it was almost like having a piece of Anders.


	21. Chapter 21 The Champion part 2

The champion part 2

Another winter passed, this one seemed even longer than the previous. Marian had gotten very close to Lilly, but she was struggling without Anders' training. Bethany had trained many children in the circle and was doing her best, but Lilly's needs where so specific. Lilly was still sleeping in Marian's bed. As much for Marian's sake as for her own. Marian was getting worried as Lilly had begun to glow in the middle of the night the way Anders used to. Small, blue, cracks all over her body, but the fog coming from her was white instead of black as Anders' was. Marian took this as a good sign, but had no way of knowing for sure if it was.

Thedas was in chaos and had turned into a warzone. In Ferelden there was a fear of an exalted march because King Alistair had been accused of protecting mages from the chantry. On the other hand since this was happening all over Thedas and the templars had even turned on the Divine, it was doubtful that they would be able to control their forces. The advantage the mages had was that they all seemed to be following Grand Enchanter Fiona, but they needed more than one leader to pull through this. The war had only just started yet there were already heavy casualties, but what was even odder was, that according to Varric's latest letter, a lot of mages had gone missing. They seemed to have simply vanished. The other news was that Sebastian had finally returned to Stark Haven. It turned out that the army he had gathered for the retake of the City wasn't necessary. The usurper, his cousin, had been unable to control the situation after the mages started rebelling and a lot of the nobles had turned their allegiance to Sebastian out of fear. Sebastian's devotion to the chantry and view on mages seemed to be welcome among most of the nobles there.

Marian woke up because Lilly was thrashing and glowing brighter than ever. Tears were streaming down her face and she kept whispering "No" over and over. Marian gently tried to wake her by holding her hand and stroking her hair.

"Shhh... Lilly, wake up. I'm right here. Nothing can harm you."

Lilly opened her eyes and a chill ran through Marian's spine. Lilly's eyes where glowing blue and Marian had to remind herself that this was not Justice.

"Empathy?"

"Yes... I'm sorry that I scared you. I will not react as you have seen Justice do." The little voice said.

"Why are you taking over Lilly?"

"I have done something and Lilly is heartbroken because of it."

Marian was afraid and angry at the same time. What was this spirit doing with this little girl? But before she could ask Empathy started speaking again, knowing everything Marian felt.

"You know that Lilly has been struggling without Anders. Bethany has a very kind heart, but she doesn't have what Lilly needs."

"I know... But what can I do? If I knew how to find him I would." Marian sighed.

"That's why I have contacted the wardens."

"You? How?"

"I contacted the warden-commander like I did with Justice and Anders. Through the fade."

"Then Anders coming home?" A spark of hope showed in Marian's face, but vanished as she saw Empathy's expression was sad and remorseful.

"No... What Anders is doing at the moment is too vital. The warden-commander will come for Lilly."

"Why did you contact her and not Anders or Justice?"

"Because they love you too much too take more from you."

"When?" Marian asked as calmly as she could.

"Tomorrow." Empathy looked very apologetic. Marian wanted to scream, but she knew Empathy was right. Anders could give Lilly something that no one else could. She needed him more than she did Marian. She felt as if she was losing everything. The memory of her fathers, Carvers and Leandras death haunted her and now she had not only lost her husband, but the only child she would possibly ever have. Empathy retreated and left was a frightened and sad little girl. Marian took her into her arms and kissed her hair over and over.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I know, but you will be with father. You miss him and I am sure he will be happy to see you."

"I will miss you."

"And I you."

-OOO-

Bethany spent the morning packing Lilly's things, as well as Anders', giving Marian time to say probably goodbye (if there was such a thing) to Lilly. Fenris was calm about the whole thing seeing as Lilly did need the prober training and as much as he hated to admit it, Anders was the only one who could provide it. Bethany was heartbroken. It felt as if she was losing her entire family again. Even Barkley was going around the house whining knowing that something was up. When midday came the knock on the door they had feared finally came. Had it not been for her grief Marian would have twisted the woman neck. There in the door was Anna Amell.

"I am sorry, to impose on you, but I fear I must..."

"Rob me of another person I love." Marian replied in a spiteful tone. Anna couldn't hide the look of surprise on her face, but quickly regained her composure.

"I know you must see it that way, cousin, but that has never been my intention."

Lilly came forward in the door. Anna smiled and kneeled in front of her.

"It this the girl, Lilly was it?"

"Yes, my lady." Lilly answered politely.

"I am here to bring you to your mentor."

"My mentor?"

"She means your father, dearest." Marian tried to smile as she stroked her hair.

"Father? I didn't know Anders had a daughter." Anna looked at Marian with a look of confusion.

"When Lilly's parents died we... Anders adopted her." Marian explained.

"Of course he did... Lilly will you go get your things we should be leaving soon?"

Lilly looked at Marian who nodded and she went after her bags. Anna tried to break the awkward silence with some polite conversation. She felt as if she was a templar robbing a family of their child, the irony was not lost on her.

"I'm glad Alistair managed to provide this house for you. I was heartbroken when I thought Anders had died... and Justice. They were... are the most caring friends I have ever had."

"And yet you take them away from everything that matters to them... I'm sorry... We are grateful for all you have done, but..."

"You love and miss Anders. I understand..."

Lilly came back with her things and gave Bethany are tearing hug goodbye. Fenris lifted her up into his arms and whispered something in Tevinter. She scratched Barkley's belly and then picked up Spotty and started crying. Seeing the child in distress Anna kneeled down and immediately understood what the problem was.

"Anders... your father gave you that cat didn't he?"

"Yes... This is Spotty." Lilly sniffled.

"Of course it is... I'm guessing Anders helped you with that name. You know where we are going we could always use a good mouser. You can bring her if you like." Anna replied with a gentle smile and little laugh.

"Can I?" Lilly asked Marian.

"Of course."

Marian then kneeled down and hugged Lilly tightly. The Maker seemed determined to break her heart at least once every few years. Lilly took in everything, Marian's vanilla scent, the kind green eyes, the warmth of her arms and the calmness of hearing her breathing. The little girl almost started to cry, but Empathy calmed her. Marian in return stroked the blonde hair and starred into the golden eyes, which were so uncertain that it broke Marian's heart.

"I love you so much, dearest. Remember that you can always come to me, when you are old enough to go places on your own. Be careful. Tell father that I love him."

"I love you too." The little girl sobbed.

Marian was relieved when she saw that Anna had come in a carriage so Lilly didn't have to walk. Anna told Lilly to get herself, the kitten and her bags inside. Fenris helped her. Anna said her goodbyes and turned around.

"Why?" Marian asked and Anna knew exactly what the question was.

"Because Thedas is changing and the best people are needed for the task."

"Why can't I come too?" It almost became a desperate plea.

"Because it is warden business and I promised Anders that I wouldn't let you join the order. I am truly sorry. I hope that one day he can return to you. Believe it or not, seeing his heart so broken is very painful for me."

"What do you know of his pain?" Marian spat and then immediately scolded herself when she thought of Alistair. Anna had been separated from the man she loved for almost a decade. No one would know his pain better.

"I'm sorry... that was unfair of me. Of course you know what it is like."

Anna gave her a painful look and then held Marian by her shoulders.

"Your husband has forced Thedas to change and we will fight to our last breath to make sure that no templar can ever tear mages from their loved ones ever again! And our sacrifices will not be forgotten."

As Anna and Lilly left in the carriage, Anders' words at the Gallows rang in the back of her mind. _"Ten years... A hundred years from now someone like me will love someone like you and there will be no templars to tear them apart"._ And Marian would make sure that they didn't. Standing there Bethany and Fenris came up behind her.

"You are leaving aren't you?" Bethany asked.

"I'm sorry Beth... I need to make this world right so no one will have to go through anything that you, Anders, Lilly or I did ever again. I can't do that here. I need to fight this war. I want too."

"I know, sister. Fenris and I will leave soon as well. We are planning on going to Highever. It's close to the sea so we can easily contact Varric if needed and there is more work for Fenris. It is also where most of the mage activity is now."

Fenris grunted. He knew Bethany would keep helping the mages, but she had promised him not to go on any further dangerous missions. It still didn't make him happy, but that's what happens when you fall in love with a apostate... or any Hawke apparently.

Marian left that night planning on going to Orlais and start helping the mages there. For the first time she was completely alone, but the strength and determination of the Champion of Kirkwall had been reborn.


	22. Chapter 22 The Apostate and the Wolf

The apostate and wolf

Life in Highever was a lot different than near Redcliff. Because it was so near to the sea (making travelling secretly between countries easier) and Tyern Fergus Cousland was a good friend of King Alistair, the mages had been able to make a large base there. Not officially of course, but since a lot of the templars went rogue the chantry held no real power anymore. It essentially came down to picking a side in order to keep people safe, otherwise the templars and mages would be tearing the place apart. By uniting Cousland's forces with the mages, they had been able to prevent the templars from invading and harming the locals. A surprising number of Fereldens were supporting the mages, because of the Hero of Ferelden. This gave Bethany hope, but she knew there was still a long way to go. They had been living here for three months and had only heard from Marian twice. She was currently in Orlais helping the mages in establishing a foothold for their operations. They had also received a letter from Lilly, forwarded to them by Freddy. There was no return address just a letter telling that she was alright, but that she missed then, especially Marian. There had also been a note from Anders to Marian, but Bethany had nowhere to send it. Out of respect for them both, Bethany didn't read it, but kept it until she knew where to send it. Despite of it all Fenris and Bethany were very happy together. His wisdom made up for her inexperience and her kindness made him less hateful. Because neither Anders nor Marian were with them they were also a lot safer. They had gotten a small house in Highever. Fenris took some mercenary jobs, while Bethany had become a teacher. Since the fall of the circles, there had been created an underground market for apostates willing to teach mage blooded children. Some nobles in Highever paid well for their children's "music" lessons. Good thing Bethany had learned how to play both the lute and harp to keep up appearances.

Bethany was teaching a noble man's son, who had just turned fifteen, when she suddenly felt very fatigued. When she became pale she sat down.

"Are you all right mistress Bethany?"

"Yes, I'm fine just a little tired. Let us end the lessons for today shall we?"

The boy gave her a worried look, but the desire to get home early quickly washed away any concern he might have felt in leaving her. Bethany lay down on the couch and felt herself doze off. She awoke abruptly when she heard the door open. How long had she been asleep? Fenris looked into the sitting room with a small smile on his face.

"I'm sorry I woke you. I wasn't aware children were so tiring." He smirked.

"Even more so than being a mercenary... I should know."

Fenris walked over to her and kissed her.

"Not that I'm complaining, but don't you have one of your mage meeting tonight?"

"Maker! I'm late!"

She got up and stormed out the door, Fenris only just telling her to be careful. He still didn't like her going to those meetings, but it couldn't be stopped. If Thedas would become overrun with bloodmages and create another Tevinter Imperium, Fenris would seek out Anders and kill him with his bare hands.

When Bethany arrived at the meeting she was feeling more tired than usual. That nap had not given her a feeling of being of being refreshed. The meeting discussed updates on the Templar movements. They seemed to have given up on Highever in an attempt to establish themselves in Denerim. If they succeeded this would indeed be a blow to the mages, but according to the latest letter from Aveline the guard was having none of their tyranny. Aveline had been put in charge of the guards in Denerim by King Alistair and Bethany was sure that after Kirkwall Aveline could handle anything. She had also given Fenris a lot of work lately. It had meant a lot of travel for him, but they needed the coin. Other than that the Templars had a base in Kirkwall, but bloodmages still seemed to be running amok a fact that did not surprise Bethany. The mage factions working with the former circle mages condemned bloodmagic, but sorting out who did and didn't wasn't really a priority at the moment. At the end of the meeting Bethany felt particularly tired. When the meeting ended one of the mages came up to her.

"Are you alright Bethany? You look awfully pale."

"I'm fine... just tired." It had been more convincing if she didn't need to sit back down as soon as she got up.

"No, you're not. Come with me I know someone who can help."

The mage took Bethany into another room, where three men were talking, but got quiet as they entered. One of them was Ramous and...

"I'm sorry for disturbing you, but my friend here isn't feeling well and..."

"Bethany?"

A familiar blonde mage ran forward hugging her warmly.

"Anders? What are you doing here?"

"I might ask you the same thing... Maker, it's good to see you. Is Marian here?" Anders asked as his eyes were full of hope and had a bright smile on his face.

"No... She is gone Anders." Bethany said in a sad voice as she stroked his arm to console him. Anders' expression became painful and his demeanor melancholy, a far too familiar sight in all the time Bethany had known him.

"I see... I'm sorry, you weren't feeling well? Want me to examine you?"

"Yes please."

Anders took her into the room where they had just held their meeting. It was now empty and Bethany sat down in a soft armchair. Anders started examining her, starting with her injured leg.

"How is Lilly?"

"She is alright. She misses all of you, but she is doing well with her training."

"And you?"

The truth was that he was barely making it. Justice was becoming more dominant again, but after getting Lilly back he maintained some level of control. It was terrifying how his mental health seemed so depended upon others.

"I'm getting by... How is she?"

"Last I heard she was fine... she is helping the mages as best she can."

"I never doubted she would." Anders said with a small smile. He then stopped for a moment scanning her again and then came with a real smile this time.

"How long has it been since you last bled?"

"I... two months... I think... with everything going on I haven't really paid attention... do you mean?"

"You are with child, Bethany and it's perfectly healthy."

Bethany smiled and hugged him tightly as he gave a small chuckle.

"Thank you, Anders. I'm so glad it was you who could tell me."

"You are most welcome. I'm sorry that I won't be able to see Fenris' face when you tell him though." He smirked.

"You can't stay?" Bethany asked with a sad expression.

"I'm afraid not. I have to leave Highever tonight."

"Where are you living? Can't I send letters to you and Lilly? I'm sure Marian would love to write as well."

"I wish I could tell you, but I can't."

"Warden secrets?"

"Yes... I have to go, but if you should be in contact with Marian send her my love. It was good to see you. If you should need a healer during your pregnancy contact Ramous and he will send word to me."

"Thank you, Anders, but there are other healers you know, like Ramous, even if they are not as good as you."

"This is my nephew you are talking about... nothing is good enough." He chuckled jokingly.

"I'm having a son?"

"Yes. Maker I wish I didn't have to go... Give Fenris my congratulations."

Anders hugged Bethany goodbye and sooner than Bethany would have liked he was gone. Then she thought of the child growing within her and she couldn't wait to get home to tell Fenris. Ramous was kind enough to show her home and gave her strict orders to get some rest. Walking into the sitting room Bethany was awfully nervous. Fenris was reading, but looked up when she entered. He soon realised that something was wrong and remarked on how pale she was as he almost demanded that she should sit down.

"Are you hurt? What happened?" He asked his voice full of concern.

"I'm fine. I meet Anders and..."

"Anders? What is he doing in Highever?"

"Warden business apparently, but that's not the important part."

Fenris raised an eyebrow and looked at her with disbelief.

"Are you telling me that meeting your abomination, terrorist of a brother-in-law, who has been missing for seven months, isn't important?"

"Of course it is. It's just... argh, you are making this difficult."

"Sorry, I will be quiet and let you finish." He chuckled.

"Alright... promise you won't freak out."

"If you are telling me that he has goaded you into some foolish mission, I'm going to tear this town apart to find him... Brother-in-law or not."

"No it's not that... I'm going to have a child."

Fenris jaw dropped and he just starred at her for the longest moment. Bethany held her breath, honestly not knowing how he would react. He then gave her a passionate kiss and Bethany sighed in relief. He then kissed her stomach as he said.

"Now you be good to your mother do you hear? We need her to be well."

"What a fine father you'll make. He is not even born yet and you are already scolding him." Bethany giggled.

"He?"

"Anders examined me. He says it's a boy."

"He is going to be the finest warrior in Thedas." He smiled.

"He... he might be a mage." Bethany said with hesitation.

"I know... we will cross that bridge if we come to it." Fenris replied and kissed her again.

-OOO- Two months later -OOO-

If travelling through the Kokari wilds with one mage child had been hard, then travelling with five through Orlais was a nightmare. A base of operations had finally been established in Orlais and Marian was now helping the mages in the war against the templars. Up until now she had mainly done recognisance, to get the information they needed to strike at the templars. Her assistance had proved invaluable since a mage spy would easily have been discovered by the templars. This time the mission was different however. A lot of the children who had been at the circles needed to be relocated and kept out of harm's way. Even though she was tired and one of the younger children was being difficult, Marian had to smile as she saw their little faces. They finally made camp. Three of the children were teenagers or almost, as far as Marian could tell. The two youngest were boys around seven or eight. They were three adult escorting them and after the children were fed, Marian offered to take the first watch. Barkley cuddled up next to her and she gently scratched him behind the ear. He was getting old, nine years old, but the oldest Mabari's lived to be more than fifteen so hopefully he would be around for a while longer. Watching the children sleep she thought of Lilly. But though she missed her, she knew that as long as Lilly was with Anders it would be alright. Anders... being apart from him never seemed to become easier. Almost a year had pasted, but she still thought of him constantly. Several times a day she wanted to talk to him, just to hear his opinion and sometimes just about something silly like him commenting on the weather. She thought of Nyssa, an elf in Kirkwall who had been killed by her bloodmage, husband driven insane by Meredith. _"He didn't __**leave**__ me, Messere. He was taken away."_ That memory made her shiver as she remembered the last thing she said _"Now I am trapped in this sham of a marriage. Married, but with no husband and no future."_ Those words had hit home at the time and made Marian's fear of losing Anders to Meredith escalate out of proportion. It was this fear that had made her trust Anders so completely, that even though she knew he was doing something terrible she could not refuse him anything. Nothing could be worse than losing him. And now that after all their struggles she had anyway, Nyssa's words became a haunting memory. Marian looked at the children again. Knowing that she was helping the mages and these children was the only making the situation bearable. She thought of the woman, Laura, who had given birth on Isabela's ship and wondered how her and her son, Andrew, was doing. This twisted fate of hers made her touch so many lives and she could do nothing, but hope it was for the better. She reached into her backpack for a letter she had received from Bethany three days ago, but it had only arrived in the last minute before she had to leave for this mission, so she hadn't had an opportunity to read it yet.

"_Dearest Marian,_

_I can't tell you how good it is to hear from you again. I am thankful that you write when you can. This letter is a little rushed as I want it to reach you before you move again. I have some good news. I saw Anders a few months ago and he looked well enough, though it is evident that he misses you. He told me to send you his love, when I heard from you. He said that Lilly was doing well. I am sorry I don't have any more detailed news to give you about them._

_As for the war, you probably know more about what's going on than I do, so I won't bore you with the details._

_Fenris and I are doing well. He has become very overprotective of late, much like you always were. But he has his reasons. You see I'm pregnant and I don't know if it was luck or the Maker you interfered, but Anders was the one to examine me. He says it's a boy. Oh Marian, I am so happy and I know Fenris is too, though he doesn't show it as much. We have decided to name him Carver. Fenris had insisted that I should stop working and keep teaching..."_

"Working?" Marian thought, but realised she must be talking about the underground. Not exactly something you could mention in a letter should it fall into the wrong hands.

"_...keep teaching and for the moment I have. I have started preparing the nursery and I never thought it would be this much fun. I just hope that we won't have to move anytime soon. I am fine, so please do not worry for me. Fenris sends his love._

_Love Bethany_

_P.S. I have included a note from Anders that I received now ages ago._"

A child? A son named Carver. Marian was ecstatic. If anyone deserved this happiness it was Bethany and Fenris. They had been through so much, they deserved a change at a real life and she was fighting to make sure that they would. Aunt Marian... How strange that sounded. Marian then looked at the small scribbled note from Anders folded it open. It simply said "I love you, always". She lifted it to her lips and kissed it as she whispered "I love you too".

-OOO- The next day -OOO-

It was getting late in the evening, but they had finally arrived at the rendezvous point. It had taken far longer than it should though because of the younger children. Marian looked around her. Of all places why did they have to meet up in the middle of a forest near the edge of a cliff? They knew nothing of the people that they were meeting, just that they had helped groups of mages before. Suddenly Barkley began to growl and Marian looked around. She could hear nothing but the sound of someone running. Ten... maybe fifteen people coming towards them. Marian directed the youngest children to get behind them while the adults and oldest apprentices formed a barrier between them and the incoming assault. Finally their enemies showed them selves... _"Of course..."_

"Darkspawn!" Marian yelled and thought _"Great! they have an ogre with them."_

"I'll take care of the ogre. You make sure that the others don't go near them. And for Makers sake avoid their blood if possible."

Marian charged at the ogre and at the last moment reappeared behind it confusing it momentarily. She planted one dagger just below its shoulder blade making the beast howl. It swung its fist at Marian as it turned and she only just dodged it. She jumped on to it's slightly bend leg and bounced of it aiming for the throat with her blade, only just missing and cutting its face instead. Because of her aim she in effect didn't land on the ground as she wanted giving the Ogre an opportunity to charge at her. The impact knocked the air out of Marian's lunges as the beast kept charging forward. She felt an almost unbearable pain in her back as it crushed her into a tree. The Ogre had now burrowed its horns in the tree, struggling to get free again. Marian took the opportunity and firmly planted a dagger in its neck and down through its throat. She had hit a primary artery and blood was spilling everywhere. Covered in the beast's blood she desperately tried to push herself free, but with no luck. Her body was aching so bad that every move she made took the double effort and not for the adrenalin running through her she would have passed out by now. She looked as her companions got surrounded by the darkspawn. The youngest children where cowering and crying in fear, while the oldest did their best to keep their cool. This was going badly. Marian then saw a sight she had never seen before. Barkley running away from a fight? Partly glad that the dog got out of harm's way and partly feeling that everything was hopeless, she tried to regain control of her limbs. How bad would things have to be when a mabari fled? Marian again tried to struggle free from the now dead ogre, but with no luck. What seemed like ages, but could only have been a few minutes later, she heard the bark of her hound and it was getting closer. Then Barkley came back and with no more than five Wardens running behind him, quickly entering the battle. Then all of a sudden there was hope and success. She had accomplished her mission and Marian finally gave into the pain and fainted.

-OOO-

Marian awoke again. She didn't know how long she had been unconscious, it could have been hours or just minutes. The darkspawn were dead and the wardens seemed to be taking care of her companions. Her vision was blurred, but from the uniforms she guessed at least two of them were human. One of the wardens were very small, a dwarf perhaps? She flinched as the pains threatened to make a faint again. The Wardens seemed oblivious to her presence and she tried to speak, but no sound came out. Finally Barkley barked and one of the wardens came towards her.

"Holy shit... Don't worry we will help you." He first said in a gentle voice and then yelled "Warden-Lieutenant, this one needs healing badly!"

What was apparently the leader came towards them as the young warden continued.

"She is covered in darkspawn blood, but I can't tell if she has been tainted. Hey you! Stay with us." The last part directed at Marian, whose vision was blurring even more and started to drift off again. The Lieutenant same closer and gently lifted her head upwards.

"Marian? No! ... Please love. Not you."

"A...Anders...?" She whispered.

"Shh... don't speak, love. Just hold on a little longer. Sigrun! Mallard! We need to get this ogre of her now!"

The wardens quickly dragged the ogre of her and she fainted again.

-OOO-

When she awoke again she was being carried on a stretcher. The air was humid, it was dark and that smell... She knew that all too well. She was in the deep roads. The dwarf, who turned out to be female was walking beside her and gave her some water as they walked.

"Here drink this."

"W...wh...wher...re?" Marian whispered.

"Don't speak. You might have been tainted, so we are taking you to the headquarters. Try and rest."

Marian wanted to do anything but rest. She wanted to see Anders, she wanted to know what happened to her companions and the children, and she wanted to know what was happening. But though obviously having received some healing her body was still in pain and she drifted off once again.


	23. Chapter 23 The Rebel Warden

The rebel warden part 1

"Either you come with me this instance or Marian **will **become a warden." Anna stated determination drowning every other emotion.

Justice starred down his commander, but she didn't move. She had killed an arch demon, she was not going to be overruled be a possessed mage. He wanted to scream and his veins were burning with hate and anger. For a moment he even considered killing her, but what then? This was after all someone who used to be his friend and his family was under protection of the king... her lover. Justice lowered his head in defeat and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He then turned to Marian, who started to cry silently. Justice then kissed her deeply as he knew Anders had done so many times before him and was relieved when she kissed him back without hesitation.

"Don't leave me." She pleaded.

"I'm sorry, Marian. Be safe and give Lilly a kiss from me. I will always love you."

Defeated and heartbroken he followed his commander like a lost dog. As Anders regained control he was reminded of the time the templars had taken him away from his family. This was different because it was a forced choice **he** made, but right now it felt no different. How could Anna do this? She knew better than anyone the injustices that mages felt and now she wanted him to turn his back? Hadn't she sent Alistair to help them or was it just a plan to get him back into the wardens? But this had been a change encounter if she had been that determined to recruit him, why not just seek him out in Redcliff? His head would have been filled with an unending line of questions if not for one fact. All he saw and felt was Marian. It was only a few months ago he promised to stay with her always and now with every step he was breaking it... steps that separated him from his wife as they took him deeper in to an all too familiar darkness and the only light in his life was fading. The fact that they had met up with other wardens, where followed by the Golem, how far they had travelled or how many hours was complete lost to Anders. He noticed nothing and just replayed images of Marian's face over and over in his mind. It was only when something, or was it someone, was crushing him that he realised that it was long over midnight.

"Good to see you, Anders... or is it Justice?" Sigrun smiled with a little confusion up at Anders.

"You know some days I hardly know myself, but generally if I'm not glowing, it's Anders." He smiled sadly.

"So you blew up a chantry? Oppressors of both mages and the people. Impressive for a shem, even more so for you. What happened to the annoying, cowering shemlin I knew?" Velanna stated and you couldn't tell if she was being condescending or impressed.

"If it isn't my favourite dalish? I'm surprised you stuck with the wardens." Anders remarked sarcasticly.

"What I do or don't is of no concern to you." She replied angrily.

"It already feels like old times doesn't it?" Anna smiled, but her comment earned her a grim scowl from Anders. It was unsettling that scowl being turned towards her. She knew it all too well from when he had talked with people who oppressed mages, but had never expected it to be turned on her. Under the circumstances however it was hardly surprising. She introduced Anders to two other low ranking wardens. Had Anders not been so angry and filled with grief he might have noticed that they were also mages. When they made camp Anders could start sensing darkspawn. They were getting closer to the deeproads. Of course they were, what other ending would he have expected to this blighted day, that might as well have been the end of his life. As the others retreated to their tents Anders stayed up unable to sleep. Anna sat down next to him handing him some bread.

"Here you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"You are a warden, Anders. You are **always** hungry." She smiled. He didn't take it, but looked at her with cold, angry eyes flashing slightly blue.

"Why Anna? Why would you do this? I might not have the right to call you friend after what I did in Kirkwall, but I really thought you still were."

"I **am** your friend Anders."

"Then why do this to me? And don't give me that warden responsibility crap. You have done well without me for years."

"Because what I am about to do is not directly warden business, but I need wardens to do it. I need people I can trust. I once thought that people being in the wardens meant that I could trust them, but your incident with Rolan proved that I cannot. When it comes down to it I have very few people that I trust completely and you are one of them."

"What is it that you are doing that even the wardens can't know about? And why recruit me now and not just come for me in Redcliff?"

"As far as the wardens are concerned I'm missing. As for recruiting you, I wasn't planning on doing it so soon, but after Wynne died..."

"You were going to recruit Wynne?" He said surprised as he raised an eyebrow.

"Not as in joining the wardens no, but I did need a healer who was familiar with fighting darkspawn."

"And again my question is, why?"

"Since you blew up the Chantry in Kirkwall I knew that war was coming. Adreaste's arse, it has been brewing for years, but you finally raised the flag of war. I started thinking about the casualties... the innocents."

Anders looked down at the ground with remorse. He would not change what he did, but contrary to popular belief he took no pleasure in it. Anna all but read his thoughts.

"Not the people in Kirkwall... that sounded colder than I intended. What I meant to say was that my concerns were for all the children in the Circle. We fight this war now, but those are the once who will create the future for our people. We need to protect them."

"You're right... You have a plan I take it?"

"Yes... I had Soldiers peak declared abandoned a few years ago."

"But it hasn't."

"No. It was some tunnels close to an entrance to the deeproads. The last year I have, with the help of a few trusted wardens, been smuggling mage children through the deeproads and keeping them at Soldiers Peak until they could be relocated. But there are only so many of us and now that war has broken out we truly need more numbers to pull this off."

"And you can't tell the wardens because we are not allowed to interfere with wars like this." Anders stated.

"Yes. Only the first Warden at Whieshaupt knows about this, so if we are caught we still have the immunity of the wardens. We are however forbidden to make any attacks on behalf of either side. Our priority is the children. I am truly sorry for the way I did this Anders. I hope that one day you will believe that I didn't do this to hurt you. I do believe in your cause, but we need to look to the future."

"Then you see why I need to fight!" Anders replied with determination.

"Yes, but help me fight for our future and not for a war. Please, Anders. Help me give these children a chance to see justice done."

Void take her... She always knew exactly what buttons to push. She always did. Anders thought of Lilly and wondered how many children there were like her. Justice stated that this would be satisfactory way to get justice and redeem themselves. Anders sighed and burrowed his face in his hands.

"More deeproads then... wonderful... fine, you're right commander. I'll help you."

Anna hugged him tightly with tears in her eyes.

"Thank you Anders."

He pushed her away and got up.

"Don't... Just don't... I'm not doing this for you."

Anna nodded. She knew what she had done to him. It was the separation the chantry and obligation had forced upon her and Alistair. It bore a resemblance to the injustice that the templars had forced upon their kind for a thousand years. Anna had always been fond of Anders and Justice. Especially Justice. In the time that Alistair and her, had been separated, she had flirted with Anders, but had started to fall in love with Justice. There had been so many reasons for her not to care for Justice that way, but she had started to love him. Not as she did Alistair, but in a way that was deeper than admiration and had nothing of the physical attraction. Anders had the physical attraction and charming personality, but nothing of the substance that Justice did. To see them now she would have thought them more of a whole and balanced person, but they were not. They were broken, divided, worried and unhappy. Anna didn't blame Anders for merging with Justice, but regretted that she hadn't been the one to offer it to Justice instead of Anders. Then all of this may have turned out very differently.

-OOO- A week later -OOO-

The Maker must have made it his purpose to torment Anders as much as possible. He **hated** the deeproads and yet that is exactly where he kept ending up. First the wardens, then Marian kept getting missions in them and now with the wardens again. He had to give a smile though as he thought of a discussion he had with Varric.

"_More deeproads. Tell me, why we are doing this again?"_

"_Because I love trouble and you think Hawke is cute. Come on, that wasn't a serious question, was it Blondie?"_

"_Well, she __**is**__ pretty cute."_

"Now that is something I haven't seen in a while." Sigrun smiled.

"Sorry, what?" Anders looked down at his companion.

"You were smiling. Who is she?"

"What makes you so sure it's a she?"

"A he then?" Sigrun teased.

"No... And that's not what I meant."

"Then it is a woman. I have only seen you smile like that when you were thinking or looking at a woman you liked."

"She... she is my wife..." Anders said with a pained expression and Sigrun immediately regretted asking.

"Wife? I'm sorry, Anders. You had to leave her to come with us didn't you?"

Anders simply nodded. Sigrun patted him on his back.

"Don't worry you will see her again. We just need to make this right first."

"You know as well as I it could take decades and who knows how much time I have left, but... I hope you are right... Why are you doing this anyway? I get the reason Velanna does, she hates the chantry even more than I do, but you don't."

"I'm a duster. I know what it is like to have nothing and no hope for a future. Look at the commander. She has killed more darkspawn than anyone I know and ended the Blight. In Orzammar she would be honoured, but here she the surfacers still treats her with suspicion and watches her constantly. That's not right. And even if that wasn't cause enough, she is my friend. So I help a friend **and** I get to kill darkspawn. What more could a duster hope for?" She smiled.

Anders just smiled in return as he shook he head. He always liked Sigrun and even for someone who seemed to have a death wish she was still alive. She had not once mentioned what happened in Kirkwall. She once told him that she had done a lot of terrible things and by joining the legion of the dead she was seeking redemption and honour. That was also why she joined the wardens, to get better at fighting darkspawn. When Anders joined it wasn't a choice, in fact very little in his life seemed to be a choice. Perhaps choice was simply a point of view? Did he destroy the Chantry out of necessity or was it a choice? He would argue the former, but would others? Would Marian? They had finally exited the deeproads and where on their way to Soldiers Peak. Upon arrival Anders saw two more familiar faces on the ramparts, Nathanial and Oghren. Had Anna tried to get all of them back? Yet she did say that she needed people she could trust, so it would only be natural to look for old friends.

"Well put me in a dress and call me Sally. Sparkelfingers! Stopped wearing a skirt I see. The lower parts stopped working so you decided to lock them up?" Oghren bellowed.

"Seven years and you still haven't taken a bath. I can smell you all the way down here."

"Blighted, nug-humping mage! What is that on your face? Is that supposed to be a beard? It's an insult to any dwarf."

"Well, I did get it with the intention of insulting **you**, so mission accomplished it seems." Anders remarked sarcastically.

"Would you two please stop yelling?" Anna commented.

"Would the mage like me to squish them?" Shale commented.

"No, that will be quite alright." Anna smiled.

"Right, coming right down commander." Oghren shouted.

"Oh please don't. I like breathing, I'm going to faint if you get any closer." Anders remarked.

"Fainting like a girl are we, perhaps you should put a skirt back on then?"

Anna looked at Anders and shook her head. They went through the gates and were greeted by Nathanial. He went over too Anders and extended his hand, with a smile on his face. Anders wondered how people could forgive him so easily, but perhaps that wasn't the right word. Then again if anyone knew sacrifice it had to be the wardens. They went to any means to prevent the blights and reach their goal. From blood magic to dealing or binding demons. He had learned that when Anna had made the deal with the Architect. He had spoken shortly with Nathanial at the Gallows and he had apparently given Anna a somewhat neutral description of what happened. Nathanial gave him a worried look.

"I wish I could say it was good to see you Anders, but you look like something a broodmother created."

"Gee thanks, but I have felt better now you mentioned it."

"Let's go inside and get something to eat."

Nathanial let the way inside and Anders noticed that he was referred to by some of the wardens and people as Warden-Captain. He had become Anna's second in command. Hardly surprising. From what Anders could tell there where around fifteen wardens posted here. Anna told him that all had some relation to mages and that was why they wanted to help. Other than the wardens there were quite a few mages, many of them adolescent. He thought of Lilly and Marian again and his heart ached. After the meal Anna took Anders aside.

"I know you are tired, but there is someone I want you to meet.

They walked up to the tower of the building. This part of the keep had definitely seen better days. He could sense the taint becoming very strong and Justice stirred as he could feel the veil getting thin. Anna knocked on the door and went inside with Anders right behind her.

"I know you are there, be quiet for a moment please." An old voice replied. Anna looked at Anders with a smile. Anders' eyes grew wide when he saw a **very** old man appear. Wardens were not supposed to get that old!

"Aren't you a little old for a warden?" Anders blurted out.

"Anders!" Anna scolded.

"Let's see how well you look after 200years, young man."

Anders' mouth fell open, not knowing how to respond to this obvious falsehood.

"This is Avernassus. This is my warden Anders."

The old man nodded in recognition.

"Avernassus has been researching the taint for decades and has made some interesting progress, however..." Anna hesitated and looked a little sad.

"Don't fret the inevitable, girl. I'm getting old and I'm dying. I need someone to take over my work, while I am still able to teach what I have learned."

"I would like you to continue his work, Anders. I am good at fighting, but with research and restoration magic I am terrible."

"You have been researching the taint using restoration magic?" Anders asked a little puzzled.

"And bloodmagic." Avernassus responded calmly.

"Blood magic? No, I won't do this! I came to help the mages, not to practice the magic that has been responsible for condemning us all!" Anders and Justice roared in unison.

"And that comes from a man, who is possessed." Avernassus replied with the same calmness.

"I am not a demon!" Justice raged.

Anna was taken back. She had never seen Wynne act like this. No wonder some thought him an abomination, what in the void had happened to them? She gently laid a hand on his shoulder and at the sight of his commander Justice retreated. She was the only person that had the spirits respect that could resemble the one Marian had.

"I know you are not. Tell me, don't you want to prevent wardens from dying young? Make sure that they have the strengths of the taint without the defects? You and I are lucky that we do not have to go through the calling, but our fellow wardens are not that fortunate."

"What do you mean I don't have to go through the calling?" Needless to say Anders was in a state of shock.

"You don't know? To extend my lifetime and prevent the calling I merged with a demon, but destroyed it as soon as it entered. The power remained inside me and prevented the deterioration of my body caused by the taint. Your spirit will do the same for you."

Anders couldn't help, but think about what happened with Coryphaeus. He decided to tell them everything that had happened. The voices in his head and the loss of control with Justice. Even how he turned on his lover. Avernassus seemed intrigued and asked a lot of questions, but Anna seemed to be absolutely horrified. Anders suspected that she had not been prepared for any of this when she forced him to rejoin the order. He was even a little satisfied by it, but another part of him was ashamed. The shame that had followed him these seven years. Avernassus stated that what had occurred was a unique case and unless he ran into another magister, the chance of it happening again was nonexistent. Anna still looked shocked, but then finally spoke.

"Avernassus, you told me once that you could do this research without the use of blood magic?"

"Yes, but it will take far longer to get any real results."

"Anders, if you don't have to use these magic's will you consider to continue his work?"

"What about the mages? I thought that was the reason you brought me here."

"It is, but as you can see we are very few in numbers and the war might go on for decades. If we find a way to make more people survive the joining and live longer and full lives... then I could recruit people without destroying their lives as you felt I did yours."

Anders felt guilt wash over him. He didn't know that his last few months with the wardens and his anger with the situation had made her feel so guilty.

"I... I will, when I am not needed with the mages."

"Thank you... Now, we are all tired, let me show you to your room."

She showed Anders to his room. Anders went to his bed and sat down. Maker! He was so tired. He then realised that Anna hadn't left. She just stood there starring at him. He knew that she had been upset after what she had seen and heard about Justice, but she had fought a blighted Arch Demon. Was he really so terrifying?

"I'm sorry Anna... I didn't know what would happen with Justice. I understand if you want to keep away from me."

"Keep away? You think I'm scared of you? I'm not. I am worried about you and I... I don't think I appreciated and realized just how much you have been through since I left you in Amaranthine. I am sorry to add to all the sorrows you already have."

Anna then went to kiss his cheek, said goodnight and left the room. Anders was relieved. For all that had happened to him he was blessed with meeting friends, even if it were only a few, who wanted to see the good in him. A side that he often forgot he had.

_**-OOO- Authors thanks -OOO-**_

_**I just wanted to thank the people who are following this story. Especially **__**SunshineAndDaisies and Batgirl4491. I am so grateful that you enjoy it. It makes it so much more fun to write.**_

_**And of course thank to Bioware for creating these characters in the first place.**_

_**Thank you, Cowoline**_


	24. Chapter 24 The Rebel Warden part 2

The rebel warden part 2

Anders sat up abruptly. He was cowered in sweat and was breathing heavily. The darkspawn nightmares were getting worse or maybe it was just the fact that Marian wasn't their when he had them. After he moved in with her in Kirkwall the dreams seemed to become more tolerable and easier to block out. Perhaps it was simply the fact than when he awoke he could just turn around and pull her against him. He closed his eyes and imagined her warm body against him and the sound of her calm breathing. He reached over to the table besides his bed and opened the drawer. He had taken some vanilla from the kitchen. It didn't smell exactly as the oil she used, but it was close enough for him to imagine that she was there. Three years he had ached for her wondering what it would feel like to hold her. A month he watched her from a distance **knowing** what it felt like, but unable to do it. Now they had been separated for months, he knew what it was like to hold and love her, but he had no way of doing so. He was terrified that he might forget what she looked like, the sound of her voice or her scent. He had kept drawing her face over and over the first month, making sure that he would remember every detail. Drawings of Marian and Lilly now filled an entire book on his nightstand. He would look through it every night and spend his nights alone. For someone who spent over a year in solitary confinement, you would think that being alone would be more unsettling to him. Yet that is what he kept choosing. He could sense that the others, meaning Nathanial, Sigrun and Anna, were worried about him. Even Oghren had commented on the fact that he spent too much time alone and almost roared with laughter when Anders said he didn't get drunk anymore. Only to grunt and grumble "By the tits of my ancestors!" when he realised Anders wasn't joking. What did they expect? He had finally allowed himself to love and now they... no that was unfair... **Anna** had taken it away from him. Was he supposed to get drunk and pretend to be happy when his whole world had fallen apart? Was it not for his and Justices determination to help the mages he would have taken his life for sure. Tears started forming in his eyes and hit a page with a drawing of Marian.

"Blasted!" He grumbled as he tried to dry the page again. He put the book back on the table and lay down in bed. If the Maker had even the slightest bit of mercy he would allow Anders to dream of her.

-OOO-

The days were not as difficult as the nights. He missed Marian and Lilly and thought of them constantly, but planning missions to actively help mages, put his mind at ease. Anders hadn't noticed it before, but being around Lilly and instructing her had given him more control over his own emotions and Justice didn't get out of hand. Justice had seemed to regain some of his conscience that seemed to have been missing in Kirkwall. Not seeing the constant abuse of mages seemed to be doing him some good. Justice had started to feel guilt over the lives of mages lost in the circle in Kirkwall. He wondered how many children had made it to safety or if the ones they picked up on Isabela's ship were the only survivors. Justice was seeking atonement for these lives and so was Anders. Since he joined they had saved two groups of children. Since the fall of the circles they had become a lot harder to locate. They did however work closely with the mage underground. Anna had made a deal with Cousland that he would help support the mages and wardens and in return they would aid him in protecting his arling from the war that the templars would bring for helping them. Therefore a new base of operations for the mage underground had now been established in Highever. Hopefully this would make their task easier.

On the other hand working with Avernassus was an utter nightmare! From a simply scientific point of view his research was intriguing, but the measures he had taken to achieve it were horrible. Anders kept getting into heated arguments, or trying to, with the old mage, making many of the same statements as he had done when trying to convince Merill to give up blood-magic. Avernassus remained calm and just told him to concentrate on his work. Anders felt Justice raging inside him, but kept himself collected. Two days ago however Avernassus had started to show him research that had Anders awestricken. For some reason Avernassus was doing research in the warden fertility and had some old ritual that apparently made conceiving possible. When Anders had asked, where he had gotten this information Avernassus just told him to mind his own business. Anders had to laugh bitterly to himself because of the absurd situation. So many times over since the past 1½ year since Kirkwall had he wished that he could give Marian children and now that he was working on a way to do just that, he had been separated from her possibly for the rest of his life.

Other than that Anders had only been left alone in his quarters in the whole three months he had been here. It felt like being in the circle someone constantly watching his every move. Nathanial especially had been watching him and it was getting on his, as well as Justice's, nerves. Of responsibilities he had plenty. Studying Avernassus work, going on and planning the mission's and teaching the new wardens about broodmothers, other kinds of darkspawn and the Architect. In mean while for the last week Anna had been away from the keep. Anders was sitting in his room reading through Avernassus' research when he heard a knock on the door. Anna stepped inside.

"Commander, I didn't know you were back." He said in an even tone.

"I have just arrived it's good to see you, Anders."

He nodded and turned his face back to the research. He was furious with her. Even under her command the wardens had become a prison. Just like the circle and Justice was both furious and disappointed in his commander. He had always thought her a just and kind person. Perhaps they should have seen it coming, when she ignored their advice on the Architect... a decision that had surprised them both. Anna gave him a worried look.

"Care to talk about what is bothering you?"

"Oh, yes shall we? What do you want to talk about first? The fact that you haven't allowed to write to my **wife**? The fact that you made me work with a bloodmage? Or how about for the fact that you have had people watch me as if I were back in the circle?" He growled sarcastically as he got up from the chair at threw up his hands in frustration.

"Watching you?" She said surprised.

"Oh, don't you dare deny it! Do you really think I was that stupid? I was in the circle to remember? I got pretty good at knowing when I was being watched!" He replied angrily.

Anna sighed.

"It seems no matter what I do these days I get on your bad side. They haven't been watching you. Nathanial and I have been evaluating you." She leaned on the desk and looked kindly at him.

"Evaluating? To see if I was a threat I imagine." Anders grumbled.

"No Anders. But it is because you have changed so much. You have not only become more powerful over the years, but you are determined, responsible and... If you don't mind me saying so, a lot braver than the man I recruited. It was quickly apparent to me that you would not do well constantly taking orders and not being able to have influence in how your skills are used. I want my wardens to do well and that includes you and Justice. We were evaluating you for the grade of Warden-Lieutenant. You would be third in command to me and Nathanial. That is why I have given you all these responsibilities and partly why you have been working with Avernassus. I needed to see if you could overcome your personal feelings in order to accomplish a mission."

"You should have seen me fighting alongside Fenris and Sebastian then."

"Sorry?"

"It doesn't matter... So you want to give me a higher rank? Me?" Anders looked at her with a doubtful expression.

"Yes, you got the skill, courage, experience and determination to be a good leader."

"You forgot wisdom?" Anders gave a crocked smiled.

"I don't know if I would go that far." She teased.

"Why me and not Sigrun or Velanna? They have stayed with the wardens."

"We are doing missions involving suspicious mages. As much as I love Sigrun a dwarf in command will not make them trust us quickly. Besides she is too lively to do all the planning and research that comes with it. And she doesn't want a command, which is why she didn't get one years ago. And Velanna? Her temper is worse than yours, even with that glow of doom you have." A smile crossed her face and she was relieved to see Anders return it. The other reason she had loaded him with work was too keep his mind of his troubles. She had been worried about his mental health.

"So **Warden-Lieutenant**, would you like to see your knew quarters and office?"

"Sure why not."

He got up and followed her. He was a little relieved that his assumptions had been wrong. The commander did trust him, more than he deserved. His knew quarters were larger. Three rooms and a private bathroom. The first room was an office with a large desk in the middle of the room, three large bookcases, a fireplace and a window giving him a generous view of the mountains. There had been no windows in the tower and Anna knew how much something as simple as a window with a view meant. There were two doors from the office leading into the other rooms. He looked into what was his bedroom. It had a large four poster bed much like the one Marian and he shared back in Kirkwall. It looked soft and inviting, but the idea of sleeping in it alone did not appeal to him one bit. The bathroom didn't have much other than a tub and a chamber pot. Anders then looked into the last room, there wasn't much in there than a couple of comfortable chairs and a cat sleeping in one of them. _"Wait, a cat?"_ The orange tabby jumped down from the chair and went towards him and marked him as it came close. Anders kneeled down and stroked its back.

"Well, aren't you the cutest little kitty? Wait... I know this cat... Ser Pounce-a-lot?" He looked up at Anna who was smiling, but trying very hard not to.

"I believe it is. Now how did that happen I wonder?"

"You are the most crafty woman I have ever met, commander. You know the Orlisian warden said he made me too soft. That mean man, isn't that right Ser-pounce-a-lot?"

"Well, I have seen the new angry Anders. If a cat is all it takes I'll let you have a whole heard."

Anders' face turned grim.

"I'd rather have my wife."

"I know... About why I have prevented you from writing. A prince Vael has been pestering Alistair about finding you and Marian. I kept you from writing to keep you both safe and I didn't tell you because I didn't want to give you more reasons worry. That was wrong of me and I should have told you, I apologize."

"Thank you, commander. For being my friend and looking out for the one I love, but please don't keep me in the dark. And thank you for Ser Pounce-A-Lot and knowing how much it would mean to me."

"You are quite welcome, **Lieutenant**."

Anna was about to leave her, when Anders stopped her.

"Another thing Commander. As you probably know in addition to extending a wardens lifetime, Avernassus has been studying the fertility of wardens."

Anna gave him a sad smile.

"Yes... In the circle I never thought that I would have children and then I became a warden. I had accepted, or so I thought, that I would never have children. When Alistair became King he intended to take a wife so he could have an heir to the throne, but he just couldn't go through with it. And now when the world is changing..."

"He hopes to marry you and that you can have children." Anders finished for her.

"Yes, but I turned thirty this year. If we don't find a way to do it soon then it will be too late."

"And if we don't find a way to extend a wardens lifetime there will be no one to raise the child."

Anna gave him a surprised look.

"Since when did you become so observant?"

"Let's just say that these thoughts and fears are not new to me." He smiled sadly.

Anna knew that her old friend had changed, but it still surprised her just how much. He had a purpose with his life, had fallen in love and married and he wanted a family. She didn't realise just how much she had taken from him, but she vowed she would give it back to him.

"But there is something I don't understand and that's a ritual I came across. Why not just use that?"

Anna smiled sadly at him. She had tracked down Morrigan a month before Kirkwall. Morigan had given her the first part of the dark ritual, because that was the reason Anna had been searching for her. She had also given Anna a warning that the world was about to change. And Maker was it!

"A friend gave it to me. Unfortunately it is more difficult when both parents carry the taint. And when the child is conceived then what? I have a child who will live thirty years at the most? According to my friend when only one of the parents carries the taint the contamination-process is slower, but when both carry the taint it will go as fast as it does with us."

And then she started crying. No one but Alistair saw her this way. She was his commander and should control herself, but who else would understand what all of this meant. He was a married, warden, healer no one would understand better than him. She dried her tears and apologized, but Anders just gave her a friendly hug and let her cry. He **did** understand.

-OOO- A month later -OOO-

Anna had left secretly again leaving Nathanial and Anders in charge of the keep. Being Warden-Lieutenant suited him better than he thought. Probably Justice's doing. He had finally understood the essence of Avernassus' research and was working on both the extension of the warden lifespan and the fertility issue. Without bloodmagic, much to Avernassus dismay. Anders had done his duty as healer and helped to old man with his health, but he didn't have more than a few months left and Avernassus seemed almost to welcome it. Anna had offered a mage from the Ferelden circle to join them at Soldiers Peak to help Anders with the research, knowing full well that he couldn't take care of all his responsibilities on his own. Anders had been surprised to see Finn was the one she had recruited. She had travelled him shortly before the incident in Kirkwall. Anders had known Finn in the circle, but he had annoyed him because he was perfectly content in the circle. It didn't surprise Anders that Finn would rather stay in the keep doing research than fighting a war. But since Finn also was a healer he really did help a lot with the research. Anders was now supervising the progress and helping with the research between his other duties. Among his responsibilities as Lieutenant he was responsible for keeping in touch with the mage underground, briefing the wardens and getting the children and mages, who were too weak to fight, safely to the keep. Anna was responsible for relocating them, which was the reason for her being away so often. Nathanial was in charge of the practical things at the keep as well as keeping tabs on darkspawn activity. Though more wardens had been recruited, as well as a few apostates, they needed more manpower.

Today Anders and Ogrhen was instructing the newcomers in how to most sufficiently to kill different kind of darkspawns as well as general combat. Many of the mages that joined them had never been in a real fight and needed some training. They had made a sparring ring outside the keep. Anders fought the first few matches to give the recruits an idea of what to expect. He then jumped out the ring and watched the following. The golem, Shale, Anna had brought from Orlais was watching as well. Anders was fascinated by Shale and at the same time found her extremely annoying. It didn't seem to care about anything, except from destroying birds and darkspawn, but it did seem loyal to Anna. She inspired loyalty like only one other person he knew... Marian.

"It seems more powerful than most of its squishy kind."

"I have some unique circumstances." Anders stated only very few knew about Justice and at the keep only Sigrun, Anna and Nathanial knew. Therefore Shale's next comment made him uneasy.

"Like the elderly mage."

"You mean I am like Wynne?"

"It has some similar circumstances, if it is anything like her time will tell. How such weak creatures can be considered dangerous I do not know."

"Do you really intend to..."

"**Father!**"

Anders spun around at the sound of that little voice and saw Lilly running towards him smiling. Anders ran to greet her and lifted her into his arms spinning her around. Even Justice was feeling emotional and felt a peace that only Lilly gave him. He held her tight and kissed her hair.

"You are crushing me." Lilly giggled.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I've missed you so **much**." Squeezing her a little at the last word.

"I've missed you too."

Anders, still holding Lilly, looked up hoping to see Marian only to see Anna starring back at him. As if she knew his question she shook her head. Hope was instantly turned into despair and pain. Lilly then stroked his hair with her little hand and hugged him to console him. He forced a smile. At least he had Lilly back and just for a while he wanted to take whatever happiness he could get from that.

That evening, in Anders' office Anna told Anders everything. How Empathy had come to her in her dreams, why she had not told him about collecting Lilly and told him what she could of how Marian was doing. Anders had spent the afternoon with Lilly making the spare bedroom in Anders' quarters suitable for her and she was now sound asleep, with both Ser pounce-a-lot and Spotty at the end of the bed.

"Why didn't you bring Marian as well?"

"You know why. That Prince Vael has spies everywhere. He doesn't believe that Alistair doesn't know where you are. It is only because your companions have been sensible enough to stay hidden that he hasn't found her yet. Bringing her here would risk Vael not only finding you and her, but would endanger this entire operation. It was only because Lilly's situation is so unique that I agreed to bring her to you."

Anders sat in a chair looking hopelessly at the floor. He looked so lost. Anna stood up and held a hand on his shoulder.

"I wish it could be different, Anders. I really do."

"Can Lilly at least send a letter to let them know she is alright?"

"Alright, but only this once."

Anna went out the door and Anders went into Lilly's room pulling a chair next to the bed. He just sat there all that night watching her sleep and carefully stroking her hair without waking her.

-OOO-

Seeing Bethany again had been bittersweet. He was happy to know she was doing well, but the fact that he could not see Marian broke his heart. He missed her so much. Having Lilly around had helped him a lot and she was doing well, but it was easy to see that she was missing Marian. The good thing about all of this was that now Lilly had other children to play with from time to time, before they were relocated. It gave both Justice and Anders great pleasure to see mage children playing outside without having to fear that templars would interrupt them. This was really a gratifying way to help the mages even if it wasn't what he had imagined to begin with. Seeing the children he felt as if he had been given a glimpse of the future, one that he had helped create. This was the future he wished for Lilly and Bethany's son to have. He had been surprised, but happy for Bethany when he discovered she was with child. After leaving though he had felt a sting of jealousy, like that unborn child was really meant for him and Marian. Avernassus had died about a month ago and Anders hated to admit it, but the progress was going slower without him. Even so Finn and Anders really did do an effort to complete his work and with some luck (Anders laughed bitterly to himself, as his own luck seemed to have run out) they would succeed. If only he had the chance to share all of this with Marian. He had begun to wake up in the middle of the night desperately finding forth the vanilla and his drawings of Marian, terrified that he had forgotten what she looked like. What happens to a man in the dark, when he even forgets what the light looks like?

"Marian, love. It has been almost a year... How am I supposed to go on without you?" Anders cried.

"_She always knew the cause of mages came first."_ Justice tried to reason.

"It feels as if I can't breathe... I miss her."

"_I know... So do I..."_

-OOO-

They were finally out of the deeproads. The way from Ferelden to Orlais seemed even longer through the ground and on top of that Nathanial's information on the amount of darkspawn in those tunnels hadn't been even close to accurate. Anders had to lead only five wardens through them and they should have been at least ten for that amount of darkspawn. It was not that they couldn't handle it, but they were now seriously delayed, meaning that somewhere people from the resistance were standing in a forest with children waiting for them. They had to hurry. They were almost there when Anders held up his hand signalling the wardens to stop.

"Darkspawn..." Velanna sneered.

"Hey... is that a... mabari?" Sigrun added.

Anders could barely see it in the dark, but it then came right up in front of him and barked. Anders knew from years of living with Barkley never to ignore a mabari. Without looking closely at the dog he ordered his wardens to follow it. As they followed it they could feel the darkspawn getting closer and soon after hear the sound of battle. When they arrived they saw two adults defending the five children by creating a magical barrier, looking as if they had given up hope as they youngest were whimpering. They were surrounded by twenty or so darkspawn and the barrier would not hold for long. Knowing the barrier would protect them Anders conjured a massive fireball and threw it directly at the group. Velanna raised roots around her and reappeared behind the barrier ready to defend them when the barrier finally came down. Mallard, a warden warrior with a dim wit, but sympathise with mages after falling in love with a fellow warden mage, charged into the group cutting the head of no more than two darkspawn with his blade. Sigrun kept the remaining darkspawn confused by constantly shifting target and stunning them.

It didn't take long for them to kill the remaining darkspawn. Anders began to check people for injuries, while Sigrun gave the children some food and Velanna looked for more darkspawn. They were all in a state of chock and hardly spoke. Anders was so busy that he hadn't noticed Mallard had walked away from the group.

"Warden-Lieutenant, this one needs healing badly!"

Anders looked up towards Mallard. A massive ogre laid dead and seemed to be stuck in a tree. If not for the fact that Anders realized someone was trapped between them, it looked rather funny. Anders quickly got up and went towards them. As he got close Mallard continued.

"She is covered in darkspawn blood, but I can't tell if she has been tainted. Hey you! Stay with us."

He quickly walked up next to the ogre and saw, what was apparently a woman, but it was hard to tell with all the blood. He gently lifted her head upwards and dried off some of the blood. His blood ran cold as he saw her face and fear threatened to consume him.

"Marian? No! ... Please love. Not you." He pleaded.

"A...Anders...?" She whispered.

"Shh... don't speak, love. Just hold on a little longer. Sigrun! Mallard! We need to get this ogre of her now!"

They quickly dragged the ogre of her, but she had already fainted from the pain. Anders started healing her life threatening injuries.

"Velanna, wash her face and make sure none of the blood gets to contact with open wounds or in her mouth. Mallard I need you to make a stretcher. If she is tainted we need to get her back to the keep as soon as possible."

"Yes Lieutenant." Mallard replied as he got up.

"Sigrun, I need you to take care of the mages. Make sure they have what they need and keep alert for more darkspawn."

"Yes ser."

Velanna was careful as she removed the blood while Anders was healing Marian. As he healed her he kept alert for any corruption. This early wardens couldn't sense it, but because Anders was both a healer and a warden he could detect it almost instantly when healing. After spending the better part of an hour healing her and looking through her body he was relieved to find that she had been untainted. He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. She was still unconscious and she would be in pain for the next couple of days, but she would make it. Mallard came up behind him.

"The stretcher is ready, Lieutenant... Is she tainted?"

"N..."

Anders hesitated. The fact that she wasn't tainted meant that he would have to leave her, but he had finally found her and was not about to give her up. On the other hand if he let them think that she was, they could take her back to Soldiers Peak. Knowing their base Anna couldn't send Marian away and they could finally be together. Their lives wouldn't be as he wished it, but at least they would be together. He couldn't let her go. He couldn't lose her. It would **kill** him to lose her!

"I can't tell for sure. With so much blood it is almost impossible to tell. She is still unconscious we will take her and the children with us."

"As you wish Warden-Lieutenant."


	25. Chapter 25 Light

Light

The thing about being in command is that sometimes you have to make decisions that you don't want to. In the deep roads they have had to separate into two groups. Nathanial had been worried about the delay and sent more wardens after them that met them halfway. They were walking in a slow pace because of Marian and the children and food would not last if they were down there too long. So Anders had to divide them, one group with the oldest children clearing the way and another group that would move slowly through the passages the first group had cleared. Anders had, much to his own discomfort, been in the first group, so he was beyond relieved when he saw the second group arrive with Marian a few days after them. He ran towards them and saw that Marian was sleeping and they put down the stretcher. He healed her and realised that she hadn't healed as quickly as he had hoped, but she was in no danger. Anders stroked her hair.

"How has she been?"

"She has been in a lot of pain and sleeping most of the time. I have made sure that she got something to drink, but not much food I'm afraid." Sigrun replied.

"As long as she had something to drink. Good work Sigrun."

"Thank you An... I mean Lieutenant." She smiled.

"I have told you "Anders" is fine. Did you run into any trouble?"

"No ser. There was a straggler or two. Nothing we couldn't handle. Do you want me to carry her inside?" Mallard answered.

"No, its fine. I'll do it myself."

Anders kissed Marians cheek and casted a sleeping spell so she wouldn't wake from the pain of being carried. He then gently lifted her in his arms and carried her inside.

-OOO-

Anders had washed Marian the best he could and had placed her in his bed. He had changed the bandages and healed the rest of the damage so other than feeling a little sore she but in a few days she would have fully healed. Her body still needed to rest though and he didn't want to wake her. Lilly was with Sigrun, so she wouldn't wake Marian by accident. Anders just sat next to her on the bed watching her, taking in all the details that he was afraid he had forgotten. He held her hand and kept bringing it to his lips. Barkley was at his feet. Anders smiled to himself. The dog had missed him.

"Who is your favourite mage in the world?" He cooed in a low whisper and the dog started wagging his tail and licking his hand. He couldn't help but chuckle and didn't hear Anna was behind him.

" And here I thought you were a cat person." She smiled.

"Oh I am, but Barkly is my favourite dog." He smiled and the dog almost nodded in agreement as it was wagging its tail.

"So the most curious thing happened... The best warden healer in all of Thedas healed a woman and couldn't tell if she was tainted or not. And that despite I have seen him do this several times before without any trouble." Anna said firmly as she tried desperately not to smile. She knew why he had done it, but she wanted to see him squirm. Just a little, but regretted in when she saw his face turn pale and his eyes fill with fear.

"Commander I..."

"No need Anders. I understand. I'm glad that she is here with you. I might have to be separated from the one I love, but that doesn't mean you have to. It makes me happy that it worked out this way. And if she wants to stay and is well enough, I'm sure she will be a valuable asset." She smiled gently.

"I... thank you."

"Lilly was asking for you ten minutes ago, I think you should go see her."

Anders looked torn as he looked at Marian.

"I'll sit with her and make sure to get you as soon as she wakes up."

He smiled at Anna and for the first time since he been there, maybe in all the time she had known him, the smile reached his eyes. He then turned to Marian and kissed her lips lightly. Light had returned to his world and with it brought hope, love and a future. When he left, Anna sat down on the bed next to her cousin.

"I'm sorry Marian. I should have realised that he needs you so much. I of all people should have understood. I won't make that mistake again... I promise."

She then took a book and sat in the chair in the corner. An hour passed when the hound started whining and Marian woke up. The dog placed its front legs on the bed and started licking her.

"That's my good boy. Sorry I worried you."

The dog gave a happy bark.

"It's good to see you awake. How are you feeling?" Anna asked as she stood up and went towards her.

"A little tired and sore, but other than that I'm fine. Where is Anders?" She sat up quickly and looked almost distressed.

"He is with Lilly downstairs. You are at Soldiers Peak in the north of Ferelden if you were wondering."

"One of the wardens told me that I might be... tainted." Marian gave her a pleading and sad look.

"Oh, that was a ruse made by your husband to make sure he could bring you here. You are fine and you are free to stay here as long as you wish." Anna smiled and Marian sighed with relief.

"Why now? Why not when you came for Lilly?"

"Because... if I send you away now, my third in command is going to explode in a blaze of fury justice and run after you." Anna teased, but Marian did not smile. She wondered if Anna knew just how true her words were and how easily it could happen.

"You promoted him?"

"I had too. He didn't take orders so I figured it might work out better if he gave them." She laughed jokingly.

"I'm going to see him." Marian got out of bed and started to get dressed.

"Marian, please lay back down. You need your strength."

"My husband and child are down stairs. I don't care if you slain a hundred Arch demons, you can't stop me." Marian gave a huge grin and Anna laughed heartily. Marian asked Anna for directions and almost ran out the door with Barkly at her heels. It was almost dinnertime so all the wardens, not on duty, were in the dining hall. As soon as she went into the large room, she saw Anders talking to a group of wardens. She started running and Anders only just turned around when she jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and kissing him deeply. Maker it hurt, but she didn't care.

"I love you." She said while catching her breath and was almost shaking from happiness.

"I love you too. Maker... I love you so **much**. You have no idea how I've missed you. " He said as he kept kissing her. The other wardens in the room were cheering at them and making comments, but he didn't care.

"Shems and their urges." Velanna said in slight disgust.

"If that is a benefit you get for becoming Warden-Lieutenant I'm going to work harder. I want one of those!" Mallard chuckled as he pointed at Marian.

"Or you could just snatch the one Sparklefingers holding. I would give her a roll myself." Oghren snickered.

"Honestly Oghren, show some digression." Sigrun gave him a disapproving frown.

"Why? They don't."

"I agree with Oghren, share the spoils Lieutenant!" Another warden said loudly.

"Anyone who touches her will have the choice between getting flogged and roasted by a fireball." Anders said in a loud stern voice though still smiling and holding Marian in his arms. Mallard laughed and Oghren grunted.

"Misusing you position as **Lieutenant**?" She said teasingly.

"And as a husband." He smiled and kissed her again.

"So baby, want me to show you how to that, Oghren style?" Oghren said winking at Sigrun.

"Eight years and you are still going on about that. Just keep your distance." She frowned again and Oghren grunted.

"Maker! I have forgotten how good you smell..." Anders whispered as his emotions got the better of him and that was all Justice needed to take over. Marian saw his eyes flash blue and his skin began to crack.

"Justice..." She whispered but didn't let go of him and still had her legs around him. The other wardens starred at them and seemed worried. Justice looked into her eyes.

"I have missed you..." He said seriously. She gave him a broad smile and kissed him with the same intensity she had Anders.

"By the stone! This is just depressing... Even a spirit gets more action than me. Sod it! I need a drink." Oghren grumbled and Mallard snickered following him towards the keg. Their reaction seemed to calm the other wardens. Beside Justice didn't seem so terrifying when being kissed by a beautiful woman. Justice gently put her down and placed his forehead to hers.

"I've missed you too. I don't think I have heard anyone speak the word "justice" since you left. I never thought I'd miss **that**." She teased and before the spirit could scold her, she kissed him again and he slowly retreated as Anders regained control. His control over the spirit had improved.

"Hey you." She smiled.

"Hello love." He said and kissed her nose.

"I think that is quite enough of starring people. Break it up!" Nathanial ordered the wardens, who grumbled a little and sat down at the different tables. Nathanial went towards Anders and Marian.

"It's good to see you up and about, Marian."

"Thank you. It's good to see you as well. How is your sister?"

"Her and my nephew are doing fine, thank you."

A few moments after the kitchen staff brought in the dinner and the wardens almost ran towards the serving table. Anna had employed some of the mages and their families to help around the keep.

"But I'll better join the fray. You two should get something to eat as well." He smiled and left them.

"Where is Lilly?" Marian looked up at Anders, who was still holding her refusing to let go.

"She went into the kitchen to see if she could charm her way to some cookies. For a seven year old she sure knows how to charm her way to the things she wants." He smiled as he shook his head.

"You let her have cookies before dinner?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No, but she charmed her way passed Sigrun, while I was talking with one of the new recruits."

Marian smiled and kissed him again. She ran her fingers over his shoulders. He looked handsome in his warden armour, but after so many years she had gotten so use to the feathers. It didn't feel quite like him when he wasn't wearing them.

"No feathers." She mused.

"No warden issue robes with them I'm afraid." He smiled.

"Mother!" Lilly screamed and ran towards Marian. Marian got down to her knees and embraced Lilly as she jumped into her arms. It hurt terribly, but Marian didn't mind even the slightest. Lilly was crying a little and it was clear just how much she had missed her. Marian stroked her hair and kissed her cheek.

"I've missed you so much dearest. Let me look at you." She took Lilly by her shoulders and gently pushed her back a little. She had grown and her blonde hair was longer.

"How much you've grown."

"Almost ten centimetres." She stated proudly. Marian kissed both her cheeks and her forehead before she stood up. Now she began to feel the pain and Anders put his arms around her.

"Are you alright, love?"

"Yes, I'm just sore."

"Let's sit down and get something to eat. You haven't eaten in days."

"I'll go get something!" Lilly said eagerly and ran off. She had become so much more confident after meeting and playing with other mage children. She was responsible with her magic despite being so young and Anders was very proud of her. He helped Marian to an empty table and sat down.

"I have a bone to pick with you, messere healer." She said in a stern voice and nudged Anders between his ribs. He faked pain and knowing she was partly teasing him he started nibbling her neck.

"That so?"

"You let me believe I was tainted, you bastard." She tried not to smile because she had really been worried and the look Anders gave her told her that he was truly sorry for it.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I had to. You see one of my wardens was terribly unhappy and barely coping, so I had to get his wife back to him. I fear he might have gone mad otherwise." He said with a serious note even as he was smiling.

"**Your **wardens? Since when did you get so fond of them?" She said a little surprised.

"**That** is what you took from that?" He raised an eyebrow and feigned offense.

"I also heard a very sweet declaration of love." She kissed him and he sighed with contentment.

"It's easier being here than when I left. There are no templars to watch me and I am part of something I truly want to do. Anna has placed a lot of trust in me despite... everything... and since I got my command I am respected as a leader as well as a mage. It's... uplifting somehow being somewhere, where you are respected rather than feared." He kissed her deeply again.

"And now that both you and Lilly are here it might even be tolerable." He smiled and this time she kissed him. Lilly crossed the room, caring a tray very carefully with some stew and bread. Anders got up and helped her with the tray. They sat down and spent the rest of the day just talking. Lilly would talk about all the friends she made and about Spotty and Ser Pounce-a-lot. Anders would tell about Lilly's progress and of some of the mages they had helped and of course about Bethany's pregnancy. He had made sure Ramous sent word about it along with the resistance information.

- OOO -

To Anders' surprise, while having dinner, Anna had arranged a slumber party for the seven children currently in the keep. They would be sleeping in one of the halls were tables and blankets were used to make small tents. Anna would be telling them stories and giving them snacks. Lilly was of course invited and was eager to join them and after dinner she left with Barkley. Anna came up to Anders and Marian and whispered.

"So you can have some privacy..." She smiled suggestively and walked away. Marian blushed, but Anders laughed heartily.

They went up to their room, but a few meters from the door Anders lifted Marian in his arms and carried her through the door. Marian giggled all the way and he carried her towards the bed as he was kissing her. He then dropped her on the bed and she almost jumped.

"Wreeeooow!" The ginger cat hissed and jumped of the bed. Marian chuckled as Anders reached for the cat and cooed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry my friend."

"The famous Ser Pounce-a-lot I take it?"

"The one and only. Anna brought him back for me a few months after I arrived here. Guess she thought I was lonely and that he would comfort me."

"Did he?"

"Not really, but it was a sweet gesture none the less."

Anders put down the cat and lay down on his side next to Marian on the bed. He took one hand and started healing her. There wasn't much he could do, but he wanted to make absolutely sure that if there was even the slightest pain he could ease, he would do it. His hand was hovering slightly over her body and then brought it to her cheek still glowing. She took his hand and pressed it down on her skin. She guided his hand from her face down her neck to the front of her throat then further down to her breast where she gently added a little pressure. Anders felt his throat tighten and his pulse speed up.

"You should res..."

"Shh..." she put her other hand to his mouth where he kissed it. She guided his hand down her stomach down her abdomen. When she guided it between her thighs she added a firm pressure and moaned slightly and Anders felt himself shiver.

"We... shouldn't do this. Your still sore... and need rest." He said as he swallowed. He tried to remove his hand, but she kept in place. She added pressure again and moaned.

"Don't you want to make love to me?" She whispered knowing full well he was under her control.

"I **do**... so much, but... I don't want to hurt you." He almost pleaded. She released his hand and placed her own around his neck pulling him down their lips almost touching.

"I trust you not to."

He let go of any pretence that he didn't want her and kissed her deeply and passionately. He straddled her and starting removing the clothes on his upper body as well as hers. When her upper body was exposed he gently massaged both breasts while kissing her neck. Her hands were running up and down his chest.

"I can't resist you." He said in a deep voice.

"You never could." She said with a smile between moans and he gave a chuckle. He felt her shiver from being cold, so her removed the rest of her clothing and gently helped her under the covers. He hurried removed his own clothing and got in bed next to her. She kissed him deeply and he placed his body above hers, careful not to crush her. He started kissing her neck and felt her hand guiding him inside her. The feeling of her and the scent of vanilla was his undoing. He was lost in her so deeply and completely. Without her he lost himself to Justice alone. He felt the spirits happiness alongside his own and only one thought was present in their shared mind.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	26. Chapter 26 Life

Life

The months came and went. Anders tended to his duties and Marian was impressed to see him like this. She never saw what he was like with the mage underground, because he wouldn't let her join them, but she imagined he must have been much like this. He was so full of passion and determination and took great care of those under his command. Now they were not only helping children, but any mage who was unable to fight or injured. Those who didn't join them permanently where never told where in Thedas they were taken and were escorted through the Deeproads, to where they would be relocated. They were actually making a difference for the resistance by giving mages a safe haven, where they could recover and seek refuge for a time. Despite complaining about the darkspawn and deeproads Anders seemed more at peace than she had ever seen him. There was no fear of the templars bursting through your door at any given moment and no one who told him that the treatment of mages was justified. He spent his of duty hours with Marian and Lilly and in his duty hours he was doing what was most important to him. Helping mages throughout Thedas. Marian would help gather information and since she was neither a mage nor a warden, she could use channels that the others weren't allowed to use (because of the political issue) and she stood a better chance of not being discovered by templars. Lilly was thriving now having several instructors teaching her the basics and Anders focusing on her discipline and healing magic. She would play with the other children, but wasn't upset when they left again, probably due to Empathy's influence.

-OOO-

Lilly was woken by Anders' voice as he gently stroked her face.

"You need to wake up sweetheart."

"But I'm tired." She complained.

"I know, but I need you to get up and get dressed." He removed the covers and lifted her to stand. She sleepily rubbed her eyes as he gave her some clothes for her to put on.

"What time is it?"

"It's almost two."

She looked out the window and saw the moonlight shining down making the snow light up. She gave a tired whine, but Anders gave her a stern look. She grumbled as she put on her clothes and then went into the office that was now also used as their sitting room. Marian and Anders was already dressed and where wearing black cloaks. Anders came towards her and put a black cloak around her and pulled up the hood.

"I need you to wear the hood. You are not to pull it down under any circumstances unless I say so. Do you understand?"

"Yes, father."

"Good girl."

"What's going on?"

"We will tell you later dear. Right now we need to get going." Marian said as she took her hand. Anders opened the door and locked it behind them. Lilly was about to ask something when Marian hushed her and put a finger to her lips. They went out of the keep and it was terribly cold. Marian tightened Lilly's scarf and made her put on some gloves. Anders took Lilly's other hand and they went swiftly through the gates of the keep. They then continued through the tunnels that led away from the keep. Lilly remembered Anna taking her this way when she arrived at the keep. She was scared. It was so dark even as Anders held one hand forward sustaining a small flame to lighten the way. She closed her eyes and led her parents lead her. As if sensing her fear both parents squeezed her hand from time to time. Outside the tunnels a carriage was waiting for them and they got inside. Inside the carriage Lilly rested her head against Anders chest as he wrapped his arm around her. She quickly fell asleep. A few hours later Anders woke her up. They went out of the carriage and started walking through the snow with the moonlight as their only source of light. She was tired, cold and scared so she began crying. Anders looked at her and stroked her cheek.

"Shh... sweetheart. I need you to be brave for me and keep walking." He soothed.

"But I'm tired." She whimpered.

"I know, but we have to keep moving." Anders took pity on her and carried her on his back for a little while. They reached a small village. Anders went inside the Inn and Marian stayed outside with Lilly. She could feel the girl shivering and pulled her close as she wrapped her cloak around her. Anders came back out and a man went to the stables. Fifteen minutes later the man had prepared a wagon. Anders lifted Lilly onto it before he and Marian jumped onto it themselves. It was not as comfortable as the carriage had been, but Lilly sat between her parents and snuggled up against them. Marian took out a blanket and wrapped it around all three of them. Even with Lilly between them Marian could rest her head on Anders' shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Lilly was already asleep when Anders kissed Marian's hair.

"Sleep love. I'll wake you when we arrive."

It was almost daybreak when they arrived at another village. Lilly was tired and grumpy, but Anders just smiled kindly at her. Marian kissed her forehead and took her hand as Anders paid the man with the wagon. Anders then came towards them and kneeled down in front of her.

"Before we enter the village I need to remind you to keep your hood up. Got it?"

"Yes yes." She whined and Anders ruffled her hair a little before straightening her hood.

They went into the village and walked for a little while before they came to a small house. They went up and knocked on the door. The door opened and instantly Lilly went from grumpy to happy.

"Fenris!" She gasped and jumped forward hugging him and he lost his breath, earning a chuckle from him.

"Hello Lilly. With a charge like that you would make a great warrior."

"It's so good to see you Fenris." Marian said hugging him.

"You too, Hawke."

"Hello Fenris. How is she?" Anders asked with concern.

"They are both fine, but if you would take a look at them I would be grateful."

Fenris walked with them through the house and let them to a room, but before they entered Anders put a hand on Lilly's shoulder holding her back.

"We are going to see your aunt Bethany, but she is very weak, so no jumping." He said as he gave stern look and she nodded though she was a little annoyed. Then Fenris opened the door and they saw Bethany lying in bed. Lilly ran forward, but as she promised her father she didn't jump, but gave her a careful hug.

"Lilly. I can't believe how much you've grown. How have you been?"

"Fine." She smiled shyly.

Marian and Anders then came towards the bed and both hugged Bethany. Anders sat down on the bed and began examining her. Lilly looked at her father closely as she always did when he healed. He had told her to do so at any given opportunity to learn as much as possible. She didn't notice that Marian was standing in front of Fenris cooing.

"Hello little Carver... Lilly come here."

Lilly walked over to Marian and saw Fenris holding a baby. It was so tiny and chubby. It had black hair, slightly pointy ears and large blue eyes.

"This is your cousin Carver." Marian said and Lilly looked at the baby and smiled.

"May I hold him?" She asked.

"Yes, but sit over on the bed next to Bethany first." Fenris told her and she walked over and sat on the middle of the bed. Bethany then instructed her how to hold him and Fenris gently passed her the little boy. Anders finished his healing.

"You are in perfect health, Bethany. Ramous did a good job. Your leg seems a little overburdened though."

"It's probably because I have been as big as a house the last few months." She smiled and Anders chuckled. He then went over to the other side of the bed where Lilly was still holding Carver carefully. Anders tried hard not to laugh. She looked as scared as Marian had done when she held the baby aboard Isabela's ship.

"I need to see how Carver is doing, can you hold him very still for me?"

She nodded and watched as Anders held his hands over the baby examining him. When he was done he told Lilly to hand Carver over to Bethany. Anders then took Lilly's hand leading her out of the room and Fenris showed them into another room with a double bed. Lilly yawned and Anders helped her remove most of her clothes. He then lifted the covers and tucked her in.

"You have been very brave tonight. I'm proud of you. Now get some rest."

"Are we going to stay here?" She asked barely keeping her eyes open.

"For a few days and then we will go home again. It is very important that you stay inside the house at all times when we are here. Don't talk to strangers and stay close to mother, Fenris or myself."

"Why?"

"Because, the world isn't safe for mages. There are people who don't trust us and wants to hurt us."

"Like the men who took me before you found me?"

"Yes, but one day soon it will change."

"Father?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I'm glad you found me." She said barely loud enough for him to hear, because she was falling asleep. He chuckled and kissed her forehead as he stroked her hair.

"So am I."

"Love you." Was the last thing she said before sleep claimed her.

-OOO-

Marian was standing looking out a window starring down at the village. Carver was so adorable and Bethany and Fenris seemed happier than she had ever seen them. Still she would have wished that they could have stayed near Redcliff where they were all together. She tried to take consolation in the fact that they were trying to make a world safe for their children. As long as they were all safe that was more important. She was tired and had only gotten a few hours of sleep early this morning. She yawned and didn't notice Anders standing her until he wrapped his arms around her.

"Did you get some rest love?" He said as he kissed her cheek.

"Me? What about you? You can't have gotten more than two hours."

"I had to keep an eye on Bethany. There were complications, but she is fine now."

"Is Lilly still asleep?"

"Like a rock. I don't know how your father did this... travelling around the country in the middle of the night with three children. It nearly broke my heart to make her go through all of this, she is so little."

"He wanted to protect us and that gave him the strength. It wasn't so bad and we did manage to make a home in Lothering for a long while."

"Hopefully when Lilly and Carver have children of their own they will never have to do this. Travel with the fear of being discovered and having to change carriages in the oddest places so they don't leave a trail."

"It will change love... Carver is cute isn't he?"

"Very... You have become a lot more comfortable with children haven't you?" he smiled.

"Thanks to Lilly. I never thought of myself as a mother, but now... well it doesn't matter."

"Don't do that. Tell me what is bothering you." He turned her around and looked into her eyes.

"It's just... I love Lilly more than anything, but... When I saw Carver I couldn't help but wonder what our child would look like... But it's alright. I have you and Lilly."

She kissed him and rested her cheek against his chest. Anders hadn't told her about the research he was doing with Finn. She knew he was researching the taint, but didn't know why. Even if she was living with the wardens there were many things that she wasn't informed of. He had told her that he didn't have to go through the calling and that it had something to do with Justice, but none of the specifics. He took a deep breath.

"What if I told you there is a way for us to have a child?"

"But you said that it was nearly impossible." She looked up at him and her eyes widened.

"It is, but I have been doing some research for the wardens that might change that. If you want to try it."

He looked down at her, but wasn't prepared for the smile crossing her and she kissed him deeply.

"What do we do?"

"Well, I have to drink potions during a few weeks. That way the... ehm... fluids..." He gave a crooked smile before continuing. "that my body creates, won't carry the taint. Then you will have to take a different potion that should make conception happen more easily."

She smiled again and kissed him.

-OOO-

Bethany was lying in bed with little Carver in her arms. Fenris had never thought she looked more beautiful. He had to chuckle to himself again as he thought of this twisted fate of his. For all his hatred of mages, years of telling people and even Bethany herself that she would be better off in the circle, he now found they were essential to his happiness. Now he had helped her not only escape the circle, but destroy it, only to fall in love with her. He had been in love with her sister for years only to see her affections being given to another... a rival in every meaning of the word. He wondered if Bethany had never been taken to the circle how many years more they would have had together. He let go of that thought coming to the realisation that he would probably have been to bitter to love her as she deserved. All those years of searching for a family and he had found it in a family were the curse of magic ran deep. He looked at his son and wondered if he would be cursed as well. For a moment the fear of having to kill his son, because he had turned into an abomination took away all happiness. Thankfully Bethany smiled at him and asked him to come closer and those dire thoughts disappeared... for now. He sat down next to her and kissed her hair.

"He is perfect isn't he?" She smiled sweetly down as their son.

"Indeed... I predict he is going to become a stubborn little menace with the Hawke family's gift for trouble."

"Maker I hope not." Bethany exclaimed with a smile and Fenris chuckled.

"Perhaps that was a gift we should return." Bethany kissed him and then looked at him a little more seriously.

"It's going to be alright, Fenris. Nothing will happen. I promise."

"No, I promise that to you. No one will hurt you as long as I breathe." He kissed her deeply until all the fear was forgotten and replaced with the love and joy they felt.

-OOO- Ferelden Royal Court -OOO-

A personal summoning can't be a good thing. After years in Kirkwall Aveline had become accustom to seneschal Bran only summoning her when there had been complaints. And there were always complaints in Kirkwall. Aveline had been surprised when King Alistair offered her the position as guard captain. She must really have made an impression when meeting him in Kirkwall. But now her hands were getting clammy. Not a feeling the red headed battle maiden was use to. She walked into the Kings office and he was looking out the window deep in thought. When he turned though there was a kind smile on his face and Aveline instantly relaxed. _"Not going to be hounded then."_

"Guard Captain, thank you for coming so quickly."

"Of course, your majesty. I assume you would not have sent for me unless it was important." His face turned worried.

"Your right unfortunately. I month ago I received a letter from the prince of Stark Haven demanding that I inform him where Hawke and Anders are. Like so many times before I have informed him that I do not."

"But you do. It is unlikely that they could have been so well hidden otherwise." Aveline said a little hopeful. Other than a few letters in the deposit box she knew nothing of their whereabouts or how they were doing.

"You are right and that is the conclusion that Vael has come to as well I fear. But that was not the letter that concerned me." He took forth another letter and Aveline immediately recognized it as the seal of the Viscount in Kirkwall.

"Do they know Anders is alive?" She asked a little hesitant.

"Not from what I am informed, but if what this letter says is true, then I almost wish that had been it. Apparently, the Prince of Stark Haven intends to march his army upon Kirkwall."

"But Anders is not even there. What could he possible hope to gain by this?"

"Power? Expanding his kingdom? Personally I believe he is trying to goad Hawke into exposing herself. But the reason I called you here is because I need a second opinion from someone who knows Vael. Do you believe he will actually go through with this and march against Kirkwall?"

"After the rage I saw him display in Kirkwall, I would have to say yes. He looked almost as deranged as Anders, when Hawke refused to kill him."

"I feared you would say that... Thank you Guard Captain you are dismissed."

Alistair looked down in the desk and rubbed his forehead. Aveline was almost out the door when she turned around.

"What do you intend to do your Majesty?"

"I have to rely on the wisdom of my better half." He smiled.


	27. Chapter 27 Penance

Penance

Saturnalia a feast day that with the wardens certainly put the word **feast** into perspective. At dinner that night they weren't eating as much as slaughtering the food in front of them. It was a carnage unlike anything Marian had ever seen. She had thought Anders' appetite was impressive, but compared to some of the others he ate like a bird. She looked over at the keg where Oghren was laying on the floor the beer pouring from the keg down into his mouth as a number of other wardens were cheering him on. Perhaps a private dinner in their quarters would have been more appropriate for Lilly. Marian looked at Anders who was having his fourth or fifth helping and snickered.

"What?" He looked at her first trying to comprehend her reaction. He then saw Oghren and groaned as he looked at Lilly.

"Don't **ever** follow Ogrhens example do you hear?"

"Why would I? He smells funny..." Lilly answered as she cringed her nose slightly making both Anders and Marian laugh.

"And you just keep thinking that young lady." Marian smiled.

"Mother, can we exchange presents now?" Lilly whined impatiently as she frowned at Anders.

"Lilly! That's not polite... your father is still eating." Marian corrected.

"It's alright, love. Barkley can have the rest. We can go upstairs. This party is getting a little too lively for us I think." He smiled kindly looking over at Oghren now dancing on a table.

Lilly skipped up the stairs followed by her parents. Anders chuckled while looking at her. It had been a while since he had seen her so exited. Having Marian back had helped both of them and brought back a sense of completion that had been missing before. Entering their room Anders put the plate of leftovers on the floor and Barkley and the two cats was all over it in seconds. For such a large beast Barkley was surprisingly gentle. Lilly took Anders hand and dragged him to sit down in a chair and Marian the one next to him.

"Now sit there until I come back." She ordered.

"As you say, my lady." Anders chuckled as Lilly ran into her bedroom. Marian leaned over to him and whispered.

"She has been working on a present for you all week she could hardly wait to give it to you." She smiled and Anders returned it before giving her a small kiss. Lilly came back with a badly wrapped present and gave it to Anders. It was heavy. He started weighing it, feeling it and looking at the wrapping with a teasing smile on his face. He knew he was pushing Lilly's patience, but he couldn't help, but tease her.

"Open it." She whined and Anders laughed and did as she asked. Inside the wrapping was a kitten made from clay and painted bright yellow.

"It's a paperweight." She smiled brightly.

"It's adorable! This will always have a place on my desk. Thank you, sweetheart." He took her into his embrace and kissed her hair. It was things like this he treasured, like his mother embroidered pillow he still had after all these years. His heart swelled at the sight of his family. How in the name of Andraste he could be so lucky, he would never understand. It felt as if he had tricked fate several times over. Lilly gave Marian a scarf she had painted herself. Marian and Anders gave Lilly a new magic book, after the fall of the circles they were hard to come by. Anders had gotten some of Marian's jewelry heirlooms sent from Kirkwall and given them to her. She had almost cried as she gently caressed one of her mother's necklaces. They last gift was from Marian to Anders. It was a somewhat large soft gift and Marian's eyes were glowing with excitement and mischief. Anders didn't want the moment to end, but just wanted to continue to stare into those eyes. He finally opened the package and laughed heartily.

"Pouldrons?"

"Yes. I have even checked with Anna and she has agreed that it is warden approved." Marian smiled brightly. The coat was short and blue like his warden uniform, it had black feathers on the shoulders and the buckle that closed it was a silver griffon. He tried it on and it fitted him perfectly over his uniform. He laughed again and kissed Marian deeply. She must be one of the few people in Thedas who would actually encourage him wearing feathers. As they were talking it knocked on the door and Anna entered. From the look on her face, Anders and Marian could instantly tell something was wrong as could Lilly.

"Why don't you go get ready for your bath and I'll be there in a moment to fill the tub." Marian told Lilly who hesitantly stood up, but did as she was asked. When Lilly was out of earshot Anders gestured Anna to sit down.

"What is the problem Commander?"

"I have had news from Alistair about Sebastian Vael." She said in a serious voice.

"Not good news I take it." Marian answered as she reached for Anders' hand.

"No… He is determined to get to Anders and unfortunately he is not convinced that Anders dead. In fact he is so certain that he is still alive that he is marching his army on Kirkwall in the hopes of forcing you out of hiding."

Marian jumped from her seat, rage burning in her eyes. Anders stood up next to her the horror evident on his face.

"What?"

"He must know that we would not be stupid enough to linger there. " Anders argued.

"That doesn't matter. He knows Hawke will not sit by as he makes the entire city crumble to the ground. At this point he would do anything to get his vengeance I'm afraid." Anna looked at Marian who was now leaning on the desk for support.

"I should have known he wouldn't give up. It is just so difficult believing him capable of such a thing." Marian sighed heavily while coming to the conclusion that it was not the first time she had made that error. But she would be damned if Kirkwall would suffer again for an error she made. She turned around to look at them and almost immediately Anders knew what she was thinking.

"No love. Don't do it. I beg you." He pleaded as his eyes widened and he took her hand holding it tightly.

"You know I have to Anders. I can't let innocents suffer for a choice I made. I **have** to go." She stroked his face gently with her free hand.

"Alistair is sending soldiers as reinforcement for Kirkwall. Some are already there, but there are more leaving soon. They will leave in three days from Highever, together with your friend Aveline. I'm sorry I can't help you any further, but the chantry has been searching for me. I can't risk this operation to be discovered it's too vital." Anna replied. Anders' eyes were still on Marian and he barely heard what his commander was telling them. All he could think about was that Marian would put herself in danger once again.

"Thank you, commander. I'll leave first thing in the morning." Marian smiled sadly.

"Commander? Would you please let me have a moment with Marian?" Anders still didn't look away from Marian.

"Of course. If you come to my office when you are done, Hawke, I'll give you the details."

Anna had barely closed the door before Anders crushed his lips against Marian's in a desperate kiss.

"Please don't leave, love." He pleaded as his forehead rested against hers and his eyes started tearing.

"I can't sit by and let him do this Anders. I can't outrun this. I have to face him."

"You should have killed me. Then all of this wouldn't have happened." He whispered with regret. Marian grabbed him by his chin and forced him to look at her.

"Don't **ever **say that. I don't for a moment regret not killing you. You have saved so many lives Anders and there are people who desperately need you, Lilly and myself among them. You did what you believed to be necessary and from what we heard at the conclave you were just pushing ahead the inevitable… I love you."

"I love you too and I'm coming with you. I won't let you face this alone." He looked at her sternly knowing she would argue, but there was no way he was letting her go without him. He wouldn't let her face Sebastian alone for a crime that **he** committed. Marian was about to argue, but he kissed her to silence her.

"No, Marian. I am going." He looked at her again and from the determination in his voice she knew that she could do nothing to change his mind. After all she wouldn't have let him go alone either.

"You are impossible." She chuckled sadly and kissed him lightly.

"I know… Now go talk to Anna and I'll get Lilly ready for bed."

As Marian walked out the door Anders took her by her wrist pulled he back for another kiss. So much for cheating fate.

-OOO- Highever three days later -OOO-

Marian and Anders were standing on the pier looking as the soldiers boarded the ship leaving for Kirkwall in a few hours. Anders was wearing the clothes Isabela bought for him in Rivain hoping that he would not be recognized as easily. Lilly was standing at the railing looking down into the water. She was to stay with Bethany and Fenris while Anders and Marian were away. Hopefully they would return to her, but they knew the chances of them both returning unharmed were small at best. Bethany had been concerned when Marian had refused to bring her along, but she had settled down when she reminded herself that she had a young son and a niece who needed hers and Fenris' protection more.

"Marian!"

She turned around and towards her came a redhaired warrior and Marian immediately ran towards her embracing her.

"Aveline... It's so good to see you. How have you been?" Marian smiled brightly looking at her friend.

" Nobles here are a pain in the arse like everywhere else and the templars and mages are going at each other like mad. But everything considered we are fine. How about you?"

"It hasn't been easy, but we are doing well enough." Marian smiled sadly and Anders came up behind her.

"Hello Aveline." He smiled and Aveline nodded. She respected him for Hawke's sake, but there was no doubt in his mind that if it hadn't been for their friendship he would have been executed or imprisoned by now. _"Not that it wouldn't be justified."_ Lilly came up between Anders and Marian and looked at Anders.

"Who is that, father?" Lilly asked. Aveline's eyes widened instantly and confusion was written all over her face.

"This is Aveline a good friend of your mothers." Anders smiled wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"We found Lilly when her parents died. She got very attached to Anders and we decided to adopt her." Marian explained and Aveline's face calmed. Marian couldn't even begin to imagine the scenarios the guard captain had created in her head. Aveline then took Lilly's hand and smiled. They spend the last hour before leaving for Kirkwall in Bethany and Fenris' house. Anders was leaning against the doorway watching Marian, Bethany and Lilly cooing over little Carver, while Fenris was putting more wood on the fire. He took in everything about this moment, before fate was about to turn the tables on him once more. Aveline came up next to him and looked at him.

"You have changed Anders."

"How would you tell?" he scoffed.

"For one I have been in your company for almost two hours and not once have you mentioned the cause of mages. You and Fenris have not tried to kill each other yet and you seem a lot more... present than you use to." She replied in earnest.

"Well my wife is going to face a man who is about to raid all of Kirkwall because of something I did. Not to mention that I am leaving my daughter behind and I can't promise her that either of her parents will return. But make no mistake I am still as resolved about freeing mages as I ever was." He remarked bitterly though keeping his voice low in case Lilly was overhearing it.

"I don't doubt it, but even so you seem less angry than you did in Kirkwall. You have always tried to do a lot of good, but I have never seen you this level headed. I half expected you to go on a raging rampage by now." She looked at him not quite sure what to make of him.

"So much for going out in a blaze huh?" He replied sarcastically.

"I don't know. It seems like that might still happen." She said drily and Anders sighed heavily.

"And that is what I'm afraid of... Aveline, I know we didn't get along in Kirkwall and that was probably my fault, but I need to ask you a favour." Aveline looked at him with surprised, but nodded. She had never thought that he would come to her for help.

"If Sebastian won't back down I intend to turn myself over to him. I want you to promise me that you will look after Marian and Lilly for me."

"Of course, but why me?"

"Because even in Kirkwall you looked after her and I know I can count on you... Thank you." He lowered his head and closed his eyes and Aveline placed a hand on his shoulder. She had always understood why Hawke had not killed Anders. Aveline would have given anything to have saved Wesley's life and she almost had when she encounter that demon in the fade. How Sebastian had believed that he could convince Hawke to kill Anders, was beyond her understanding. She would never agree with what Anders did and this mage war should have been avoided, but it was becoming painfully more obvious with every passing day that this could never have happened. She did however remember a man who did his best to help people who had nothing and that no one else cared for. She remembered how Anders was there for Hawke when she had no one else. If Anders should parish she would do her best to protect Hawke and her daughter. Hawke had suffered enough.


	28. Chapter 28 Reliving memories

Reliving memories

"_Oh my love... what have you done?" _

_Even in Lowtown you could hear the screams coming from Hightown and dust was falling like snow from the sky. Orsino had left Anders with Hawke for her to place judgement, but how could she? How could she be impartial? She loved him... adored him even. This selfless man who for years had given everything he had in him to help others. Even this... this massacre was done to free others. He had not needed to do this. Her status as champion protected him, he had a home, wealth and personal freedom, but that wasn't enough for him. He could not take comfort in his own freedom and happiness when others still suffered. He could not sit by and watch a debate that was getting them nowhere. War had been coming for a long time. The air practically tasted of it, but that it would be her beloved that would raise the flag of war... like this... was more than she at this moment could comprehend. How could her loving, kind and generous Anders do this? Yet when she looked at his face there was no gloating. This was not a victory for him, but a necessary evil. His face was filled with remorse and his eyes watery. She doubted that he regretted it, but for anyone __**willing**__ to see, it was clear that it was eating him away inside... even if it happened only minutes ago._

"_I'm not proving a point! I'm changing a world! I thought you of all people would understand!"He answered to her accusations._

_Did she understand? She was not born with magic. Her life was not the one constantly threatened. She did not have to fear the possibility of being made tranquil or be dragged away from her family. But she knew what it felt like to have your sister taken away by templars. She knew what it felt like having to be on the run not to lose your father. She knew what it was like sitting each evening fearing that her lover might not come home. She knew what it was like trying to convince the world to change and see reason. What it was like to scream and scream from the agony of a broken heart and no one was willing to listen. How do you change a world for the better when all who have the power to change it doesn't want to? Do you wait patiently and while you wait people will continue to suffer? Or do you force the world to change? She walked around him and kneeled before him gently caressing his stubbled cheek with her hand._

"_Help me defend the mages." She didn't smile. She didn't cry, but there was a kindness in her voice even so. Anders' eyes lit up there was hope._

"_You mean stay with you? I didn't think you'd let me, but if you do... I will fight the templars. Damned right I will!" _

_Sebastian almost charged at her grabbing her by her arm dragging her to her feet. He was angry and hurt. The feeling of betrayal was written all over his face._

"_No! You cannot allow this abomination to walk free. He __**dies!**__ Or I am returning to Starkhaven. And on my return I will bring with me such an army that there will be nothing left for these malificarum to rule!"_

_The anger was written all over his face. She knew what that fury looked like. Justice had shown it to her enough times for her to know. This was vengeance. Right in front of her was the proof that anger could corrupt even the purest of souls. Spirit or no. Would he do it? Would he go to such lengths to get at Anders? Probably. So many innocents had already paid for Anders' crime and Sebastian, a man of faith who preached mercy and understanding, was now threatening to add more to the pyre. Silent tears fell from her eyes as she reached for the knife looking down at Anders back. She could not face him for if she did all she would see was her love. Not the murderer and terrorist that had committed the crime they wanted her to punish him for. Sebastian stood behind her and she almost felt his breath on her neck. Like a demon whispering words of persuasion in her ear with the promise of endless glory._

"_You know what must be done." Sebastian whispered almost lovingly into her ear, like a bloodmage manipulating his victim. Anders whispers were filled with compassion, love and sincerity... never anger and blood. She felt her grip tighten around the knife._

"_Do not interfere, Sebastian!" She shouted and threw the knife into one of the wooden stalls. He look taken a back, but the fury returned to his face._

"_I swear to you, I will come back and find your __**precious**__ Anders and show him what true Justice is!"_

A chill ran down Marian's spine at the memory as they got closer to Kirkwall and passed the Gallows. It looked abandoned and empty, but that did not make it any less terrifying. She could see all of it. The dead mages and templars. Orsino giving into his desperation and Meredith giving into her lust for power and control. Marian had seen horrors enough for a lifetime and wondered if this nightmare she was trapped in would ever stop. She felt a warm embrace from behind and a completely different loving whisper, than that old memory, caressed her ear.

"Are you alright, love?" Anders kissed her softly on her neck and she pulled his arms tight around her.

"I am better now that you are here... Anders?"

"Yes, love?"

"I'm afraid... I've never been this afraid before." She said no louder than a whisper and Anders gently turned her around. He kissed her before pulling her into his embrace.

"I know. Whatever happens remember that I love you."

"I love you too."

They were docking at the harbour when they saw a dwarf waving at them.

"Varric!" Marian practically shouted as she jumped of the ship before it was completely docked and ran to embrace him. Anders stood on the ship chuckling at the sight, when he finally got over the fear of her falling into the water in her eagerness. When the ship docked Anders was among the first to get off and went to greet his old friend.

"Hello Blondie. We might want to go back to The Hanged Man, it's far to open out here." Varric looked around him and was clearly on edge.

"You never give in to paranoia?" Anders smiled trying to lighten the mood.

"Shows what you know."

After Varric said hello to Aveline and Donnic he led Hawke and Anders to The Hanged Man. Marian kept the hood on her cloak up and thankfully neither her nor Anders was recognized. Varric told them to wait in his suite and he followed them not long after with three mugs of beer. Varric closed the door and as he sat down he gave a sigh of relief.

"Varric what's wrong? Is it the templars?" Marian asked concerned.

"No. The templars and guards are outside the city preparing for Sebastian's army. Even if they weren't, they haven't been any trouble. Cullen had far too much on his plate to worry about little old me."

"Then what's wrong?"

"People are searching for you, Hawke. Over six months ago I was captured and questioned by a seeker from the Chantry."

"What about Anders?" She grabbed Anders hand. The chantry was not getting their filthy fingers on her husband.

"Well, he is certainly not popular with them, but she was only interested in you. She wanted to find you in order for you to stop the mages from rebelling."

"Of course they would. They would use any means to force us back into submission!" Anders spat and Varric looked at him as if he was slightly repulsed. He had never condoned what Anders did and didn't want this war. He also knew that it had been long coming, but what Anders did was crazy beyond the normal types of crazy normally running around in Kirkwall. Marian squeezed Anders' hands and gave him a loving look that calmed him.

"I believe the Chantry has too much faith in me. There is no way I can talk anyone out of this now." She smiled sadly. She didn't want war, but appeasement had been out of reach before this war began and she didn't see a way for it to work now.

"Anyway, I didn't know where you were so I couldn't give her any information. All I could do was telling her the story about the Champion of Kirkwall." He smiled and Marian returned it.

"What about Sebastian?" Anders then asked.

"Nothing you don't know already. His army is gathering outside Kirkwall as we speak. I didn't think choir boy would actually do something like this."

"Varric, can you use any of your contacts to get a letter to him? I want to meet with him and see if I can stop this before it goes too far." Marian said as she again stroked Anders hand to keep him calm.

"Once a champion, always a champion? I will see what I can do."

"Thank you. We better get going. We are to stay with the Ferelden military. You can find us there if you need to." She smiled as she handed him the letter.

"Of course, Hawke. Be careful now."

-OOO-

When Marian and Anders got to the army camps they were escorted to a large tent in the middle. From what they had heard so far there had already been three battles, but the outcomes had not favoured one side over the other. Sebastian was making good on his threat, but hopefully he would agree to meet with Marian. Inside the tent they were met by a familiar face, King Alistair.

"Aahh... there you are. I was afraid you had gotten lost. That always happens to me when I lead."

"Comforting, coming from our King." Anders remarked teasingly.

"Well with your track record, I assumed you would be harassing templars by now." He teased back.

"I thought I was." He shot back with a smirk.

"I have contacted Sebastian your majesty, in the hopes that he might want to meet with me. Perhaps we still have a chance for peace." Marian interjected.

"Good, I was hoping to have a meeting arranged before you arrived, but the Prince is apparently cross with me. I can't imagine why." Alistair winked and Marian shook her head good natured.

They had not been in the tent long before a missive arrived with the seal of Stark Haven addressed to Marian. She quickly opened it. Anders went up next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"What does it say, love?"

"He has agreed to meet with me in an hour from now."

"Alright, let's get going." Anders put his coat back on and was about to tie his staff to his back, but Marian stopped him by gently taking his hands in hers.

"You are not coming with me, Anders."

"Blasted Marian! You can't go in there alone. He will have you killed before you breathe a single word!" He practically growled and the blue cracks started to appear on his skin.

"And what will he do if you are with me? I have a chance of getting out of there alive, you don't. He will kill you on sight if he sees you."

"He will not have you!" Justice and Anders roared in unison. Alistair was a little surprised, but kept calm.

"She is right Anders. I understand how you must be feeling, but if you go in there with her the chances of Sebastian killing her are even greater. He might do it just to hurt you."

"Please listen to me, love." Marian soothed as she caressed his face and Justice retreated.

"If he harms a single hair on your head..." Anders threatened as he leaned into her touch.

"Listen, I will go with her. He would not dare attacking a foreign royalty. If Hawke and I go together it will be the safest choice by far." Alistair argued. Anders nodded and kissed Marian before she left with Alistair. Anders rubbed his face with his hands. He needed some air.

-OOO-

Sebastian was pacing impatiently around his tent. Two and a half years had passed since the death of Elthina and since he swore to force true justice upon Anders. Hawke had protected him well. They had been impossible to locate and every time he heard a rumour they had been long gone by then. Did she really think that faking Anders' death would have fooled him? If she was alive so was he. She had made that painfully obvious the day she had refused to kill the abomination. Elthina had considered her a friend and yet she let her murderer walk free. She had even helped him, knowingly or not. Sebastian had always found Hawke to be a reasonable woman, in fact that was why he admired her, but when it came to the abomination that woman disappeared. Anders had corrupted and twisted her as he did that "spirit" inside him. Sebastian had called her friend and she betrayed him. He heard his guards getting closer. She was finally here. Her and the famous King Alistair was escorted into his tent. Her hair was still as long and soft as it had always been. It was kept in a ponytail with some stray brown locks framing her face and then there was the green eyes that seemed to pierce you very soul as they looked at you.

"Prince Vael. A pleasure to meet you in person." Alistair greeted trying to soften the awkwardness of the situation.

"I see you finally found Hawke, after my numerous requests." Sebastian remarked coldly.

"Yes, it was not easy." Alistair smiled and pretended to be ignorant.

"Hello Sebastian." Marian looked at him with a pained expression and if not for his anger it would have broken Sebastian's heart.

"Hello Hawke. I see you have left your **abomination** behind. It's him I want Hawke. Give him to me and I shall call back my army."

"Sebastian, please be reasonable. Killing all of these innocent people is not going to give you the vengeance you seek." Marian tried in a soothing voice.

"You would speak to me of innocents and vengeance?! You who let a terrorist and madman walk free!" He spat his cold blue eyes staring at her with blind rage.

"I know... I did not want to spill more blood than necessary and neither do you. Stop this please. It will not right the wrongs of the past. Do you really want as much innocent blood on your hands as Anders?"

"The innocent blood will not be on my hands, but yours! You and that **monster**! You refused to give Elthina justice and you turned your back on the Maker by supporting that heretic." Sebastian roared and walked with aggressive steps towards Marian starring down at her. A decision he almost regretted as he could sense her perfume. The sweet, intoxication aroma of vanilla almost making him forget his purpose now, as it did to his vows years ago. Alistair stepped in front of Marian.

"Now think carefully, Vael. I have pledge my allegiance to Kirkwall. If you continue this war, you will not only be facing Kirkwall, but Ferelden as well. I know that Ostwick plans on supporting Kirkwall as well. Do you really want a war with half of the Freemarches **and** Ferelden?" Alistair starred at Sebastian with a resolve that showed the true nature of Fereldens King. They stood there for several long tense moments before Sebastian backed down.

"As you wish, but this matter is not over. How many do you think will support Ferelden, when they find out that you have been harbouring the fugitive not only responsible for killing Grand Cleric Elthina and starting a worldwide revolution, but a man who have defiled the Maker himself?! Do not take that lightly, your **majesty**." Sebastian sneered. Deciding not to antagonize him any further Alistair nodded, bowed and went towards the exit of the tent. Before leaving Marian turned to look at Sebastian.

"I know it might not mean much to you, Sebastian, but we were friends once. I am truly sorry about Elthina. She did not deserve it. Maker watch over you." She smiled sadly.

"As am I, Hawke." Sebastian replied sincerely.

-OOO-

Marian returned to her tent, but Anders wasn't there. Her instincts immediately told her that something was wrong. Her blood turned cold as she thought of the possible things that could have happened to him everyone from Sebastian's men, the templars or even mercenaries holding a grudge could have gone after him. If anyone had recognized him, they would kill him on sight. Just as bad would be if Justice made his presence known, then they would have truly have people after them. She ran through the camps asking if anyone had seen a man by his description. Most of the soldiers said that they had seen him go for a walk just in the outskirts of the Ferelden army camp, but now he was nowhere to be found. She did hear rumours that the templars had been mingling with the Ferelden soldiers. Her heart was aching. She ran back to the royal tent and ran passed the guards. Alistair turned around starring at her as his guards held her firmly in place.

"I'm sorry your majesty. We will remove her now." The guard apologized.

"No, by all means let her go. She is a trusted friend."

The guards let go of her apologized to her and left. Alistair walked towards and instantly saw the concern in her eyes.

"Makers breath, what's wrong?"

"Anders is gone. I can't find him anywhere! The templars might have him." She tried to explain calmly, but the fear was visible in her eyes. Alistair nodded and put on a cloak and grabbed his sword. He took her hand and they left the tent unnoticed. As they walked through the camps searching for Anders, Marian swore if they had killed Anders there would be no mercy for them.


	29. Chapter 29 True Justice

True Justice

Her heart was aching, her blood cold, she felt her entire body shiver and every quick movement made her feel on edge. Every breath she took felt as if it was tearing rips in her lungs. If not for the adrenalin running through her bloodstream, she would not have been able to keep her resolve and do what needed to be done. She had to find him. Besides her was Alistair, who was both determined and kind. He was a true king in Marian's opinion. Not afraid to get his hands dirty, did what was in the interest of all his people not just the nobles. An advocate for the innocents and oppressed. During his rule he had done a lot to help both elves and mages to give them back their rightful place as equals of society. Yet with all his responsibilities he went out of his way to help those he considered friends and had not hesitated a second to help Marian find Anders. He could have let his guards help her, but he had insisted to help himself. It was not hard to see why Anna Amell had fallen deeply in love with him. Even in the midst of her own worries, Marian wished that someday they might be together, without the charade currently applied to both their lives. As they searched the camps Marian had asked Aveline to join them. For some reason Aveline seemed to be pondering something, but Marian was too preoccupied to ask what it was. All she could see, think and feel was Anders. Tensions became even higher when a soldier informed them that he had seen a man by Anders' description being dragged away by what appeared to be templars. Without a moment's hesitation Marian turned around and stormed off towards the templar camp. Alistair and Aveline followed right behind her, fearing all the while that she would do something drastic. And they were right. Marian all but charged through the templar camps and went straight for Knight-commander Cullen's tent. The men guarding the tent tried to stop her and grabbed her arms. With the finesse only a rogue possessed she twisted herself free. She knocked down the two templars and went inside roaring.

"Cullen!"

Cullen got up from his cot and looked wide eyed and startled at Marian.

"Champion?"

"Where is he you son of bitch?!" She grabbed his shirt by the collar and dragged his face down to her eyelevel. All the blood vanished from her fingers turning them completely white as her fingernails tore through the fabric. Cullen could feel her heavy breathing on his face and at this moment a mabari at his throat would have seemed less intimidating. Aveline and Alistair entered the tent right after. Aveline got up behind Hawke and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Hawke... calm down, this is not helping."

Cullen looked at Marian and was more stunned than frightened. This was one person he had never expected to see again. Marian looked into his eyes with eyes so full of rage it almost caused him physical pain to look at her. He heard another rip tare through his shirt.

"Hawke, be reasonable. This will not help him." Aveline tried again.

At the sound of her friend's voice Marian's eyes slowly softened. Aveline was right of course. This would not help her to get to Anders any faster. She let go of Cullen. He adjusted his shirt and cleared his throat. The two knocked over templars charged in, but Cullen dismissed them. An act that puzzled both Marian and Aveline. Alistair adjusted his hood. He had no interest in having his identity exposed. Sometimes he missed the days travelling through Ferelden during the blight. The freedom to do what he believed was right without having to worry about foreign relation or nobles reactions. Most of all he missed Anna and he knew what Marian must have been feeling at this moment. It reminded him too much of the time Anna had been caught and imprisoned by Logain's soldiers.

"Now, Champion, what may I help you with? I thought you had left Kirkwall far behind. I had not thought you reckless enough to return."

"Where is he?" From the tone of her voice you could still hear the rage poisoning every word. Cullen looked at her with confusion.

"Where is who?"

"Anders!" She spat, the deadly venom echoing through the tent.

"I haven't seen him since that day at the Gallows. I had assumed he was with you." He replied surprised. Seeing the sincerity in his eyes Hawke sank back into a chair. Despair threatened to take away her sanity and go on a murderous rampage through the entire camp. Her mental state was becoming as fragile as Anders' and Justice's, though she was not damage by vengeance, but fear.

"You knew he wasn't dead then?" Aveline asked.

"When we found the corpse in that warehouse I recognized it wasn't Anders. It did however fool the other templars who was not as familiar with him as I was."

"Why then not inform the chantry or the other templars? They seem to believe he is dead." Aveline continued and Cullen sighed.

"When you left we were desperately trying to restore order, but without much success. When we found that body I was left with two options. Telling people that the man responsible for starting all of this had escaped with his life and I had let him go. I feared that would only further encourage the mages left in Kirkwall. On the other hand letting people believe that he was dead by the hands of the templars might make the mages act on the side of caution. And then there was the matter of the Champion. I owe you an apology. You warned me that Meredith was going mad, yet I refused to listen. You were also the one who tried to encourage me to negotiate with the mages. Had I listened to you then, maybe this war could have been prevented."

"I doubt it." Marian said sadly and Cullen nodded.

"Even so I owed you, as did Kirkwall. I let people believe that Anders was dead in the hopes that you would not be hunted so relentlessly. Vael however was not convinced."

"I know. That is why I came back to Kirkwall, to prevent him from harming the city, but now Anders..." She lost her breath as her heart ached.

"He has gone missing. Do you know if any of your templars have caught an apostate this evening?" Alistair continued.

"No, but very few of the templars are still under my command. Most have abandoned the Chantry as I am sure you are aware. Any of these groups might have taken him, though they normally kill mages on sight rather than keep them captive. Especially if they knew who he was."

"Then all is lost... I failed him." Marian said as her voice croaked.

"Hawke, I might know where he has gone." Aveline turned to her friend, who looked up at her with confusion and a bit of anger.

"Then why haven't you said so? Never mind, where is he?" She replied angrily.

"I wanted to be sure before alarming you any further. He told me that if you couldn't work things out with Sebastian he was going to turn himself over."

"And you let him?!" She all but shouted as she got up.

"It was the right decision. You know this as well as I."

"Goodbye Cullen." Marian said sternly as she walked out of the tent every step intensified by her anger. Aveline and Alistair ran after her. She didn't stop until someone grabbed her by the arm as she entered the Ferelden camp. She almost punched the person holding her arm, but in the last minute realised that it was Varric.

"Andraste's dimpled butt cheeks, Hawke. What's going on?"

"Varric... I'm sorry. Anders is missing and he might... he went over to... oh Varric." Marian fell down on her knees and let out a sob. Varric looked at Aveline hoping for some answers.

"Anders might have turned himself over to Sebastian." Aveline explained.

"Great ancestors. A dwarf turns his back for two minutes... Listen Hawke, we will go after him. There is no way we are going to let Choir boy get Blondie. Come on snap out of it." Varric placed both hands on her shoulders and she looked up at him. She dried her tears and her vague stare was replaced with one of determination.

"Of course. I'm sorry."

"We better hurry." Alistair said as he helped her to her feet.

They walked silently along the outskirt of the camps over to Sebastian's army camp. The prisoners were held in the middle of the camp and getting in unnoticed would be more than difficult. Thankfully it was now late at night and only patrols were up. This lowered the chances of getting discovered, but they still had to be very careful. Patience was not Marian's strong point at the moment. She knew that every moment counted at the chances of Anders being dead were already high. The thought of losing him left her breathless and for a moment she felt the same guilt and pain wash over her as when her mother died. The anxiety of going through this camp felt exactly like going through Quentin's lair, looking for clues to her mother's whereabouts only to discover she was too late. A piece of Marian died at the thought alone. She could not lose him. Damned Aveline, knowing what he was planning and not saying a word, because it was right and just. Maker she had come to hate the word justice. So often had she heard it being twisted by people who made it suit their own purpose. Anders was the only person she had heard ever admitting that he could no longer differentiate between justice and vengeance. Others claimed they knew what it was and used it as they saw fit. Justice had become a perverted term, disfigured by humanity like the Andrastian religion. Now the word justice left a bitter taste in her mouth. She did no longer care for justice and did not want it to be applied to her or her actions. She would much rather show mercy and forgive than be given personal justice. All she cared for was the people she loved, it was all that mattered. Anders and Justice would have been glowing and scolding her at this admission, but right now she would give anything to just be able to have that argument. She **had **to save him. She could **not** be too late.

They had finally made it to the middle of the camp, sneaking past the guards. She silently thanked Tallis for teaching her how to throw stones to redirect the guards. They found the prison, that looked almost like a pen and saw that it was mostly empty. For all his talk of mercy it seemed that Sebastian did not take prisoners. Varric poked Marian on the shoulder and pointed to the middle of the prison. She sighed with relief when she saw a blonde man tied to a pole inside the prison. He was still alive. Unfortunately Sebastian appeared before they could try and rescue him. Marian almost jumped forward, but Alistair stopped her and silenced her with his hand. She knew the look in his eyes. Only a few hours ago they had made a deal with the prince that many lives depended on. As much as this hurt, they could not afford to compromise this agreement. Marian wiggled desperate to save her love and Aveline had to help Alistair hold her. Seeing her struggle so made Avelie's heart break. They held her so tightly that there had to be bruises afterwards. To make her calm down Varric loaded Bianca and aimed at the back at the princes neck. If he made the slightest move to indicate that he was going to kill Anders, Bianca would pierce his neck with a deadly kiss. Sensing her calming down Aveline and Alistair let go of her. Instead they started to listen.

"... I tried to create a world worth saving. You could not begin to imagine the injustices of this world." Anders said angrily.

"The gravest injustice of this world was murdering a good woman of faith! Not only that, but then Hawke let you go free! I don't know how you forced yourself upon Hawke, but I will not let this madness continue." Sebastian spat.

"I did not **force** myself upon her! I **love** her! You can't possibly imagine what that is." Anders said between grinding his teeth, to which Sebastian only gave disgusted chuckle of disbelief.

"Ha! I hardly believe that. The Hawke **I **knew was kind, wise, good and righteous. Why would she let a murderer walk free willingly?"

"Because she is all of the things you just mentioned. She is a far better person than you and I, Sebastian. She is not blinded by hatred like us. Where we hate, she loves. That is what guides her actions, love for all of us... for me." Anders bowed his head and Sebastian looked at him and for just a moment he understood. Anders was right about Hawke. Elthina had always encouraged Sebastian to follow Hawke's example, despite her lacking interest in the chantry. She had always showed and encouraged mercy whenever she could. She only killed when absolutely necessary and even then you could see the remorse in her eyes with every life she took. For a soldier who had spent the most of her adult life as defender you would have thought her becoming use to taking lives. But she never did.

"What you did is unforgivable. You killed the most beloved servant of the Maker and destroyed his house. They need to be avenged and be given justice. I cannot show you mercy, Anders. Not even for her." Sebastian replied with a hint of remorse in his voice.

"I understand... Whatever you do just do it."

"I will have you executed tomorrow. The world must see that no one who defiles the Maker and his servants will go unpunished."

As Sebastian turned and walked away Marian released the breath she had been holding. She thanked whatever force in Thedas that had made Sebastian so determined to defend the Maker publicly. Perhaps Sebastian did not truly know the will of the Maker after all. When there was only two guards left outside the prison Varric exchanged the arrow for a mismatic bomb, knocking both guards and Anders unconscious from the gas. Varric and Marian ran to the prison helping each other unlocking the many locks. When the gate opened Marian ran to Anders and dropped to her knees before him.

"Love..." She whispered and kissed the still unconscious man. Varric handed her some smelling salt and Anders awoke abruptly as she used it. She quickly kissed him in order to keep him from making a loud noise. When she retreated from the kiss he gave her a roguish grin.

"Well, this is embarrassing. I never thought of myself as a damsel in distress." He smiled.

"The mage who is afraid of spiders, darkness and enclosed spaces? Of course not." She remarked sarcastically as she gave him a smile that brought warmth to his heart. She kissed him again while Varric was behind the pole releasing Anders from the various shackles.

"You bloody idiot. What did you turn yourself in for?" She scolded.

"I didn't. After you left I was too nervous about what would happen to you. I decided I needed some air and went for a walk. Unfortunately my mind was so preoccupied that my subconscious led me directly to the outskirts of Sebastian's army. I think Sebastian must have been expecting that I would not be far behind you. As I waited for you to return, I was knocked unconscious with a poison dart of some sort. There was nothing I could. I'm so sorry my love."

As soon as the last shackle was removed Anders leapt forward and gave her an almost brutal kiss. Marian couldn't help but smile.

"Are you **so** happy to see me?" She teased.

"I'm always happy to see your face, but it seems particularly lovely right now." He smiled.

"And as always the handsome dwarf and his beautiful crossbow gets overlooked." Varric faked offense.

"I'm sorry Varric, would you like a kiss Bianca as well?" Anders teased and Varric feigned a terrified look and held Bianca close to him.

"Don't worry, baby. I will not let his lips touch you."

"Just get up and let us get out of here." Aveline hurried.

"I am definitely on board with that." Alistair agreed.

They hurried out of the camp and back to the Ferelden camp. Thankfully Sebastian, Cullen and Alistair had signed the treaty earlier that night and could not back away from it now. This incident would not affect the treaty unless it could be proven that the Fereldens had been involved with freeing Anders and there had been no witnesses to their rescue. It was not likely that Cullen would betray them to Sebastian after the confession he gave them earlier. Admitting that Anders was still alive and had been captured by Sebastian's men would only damage Cullen and the control he had left. Marian and Anders left that very night, but managed to take the things they had to leave behind in Kirkwall with them. Varric had kept them safe for them and collected them before Gamlen and Charade had moved into the Amell mansion. Marian never wanted to see Kirkwall again. She had lost everything that was truly important to her in that damned place. The only thing it had given her was the man at her side and he was the only thing that had been worth having in Kirkwall.

-OOO- The next morning -OOO-

"What do you mean the prisoner is missing?!" Sebastian roared at the nervous guard.

"Someone knocked the guards unconscious and freed him, your grace."

"Send some men to the Kirkwall harbour immediately and ask if anyone has seen a man by that description. I will follow shortly with my most trusted men." Sebastian ordered as he quickly packed. The guard bowed and did as he was told. Anders was not escaping justice again. There could be no peace.


	30. Chapter 30 True Mercy

True Mercy

Once again they were trapped in a ship hold while crossing the Amaranthine Ocean. They were cramped in between crates, chickens and shady types. That is what you get when you have to leave a city in a hurry. A week trapped on this ship was nearly over. Anders thanked the Maker that they were only going as far as Highever. They had made themselves comfortable (well, as comfortable as they could) in a corner of the cargo hold, using sacks of grain as pillows. Anders was looking in one of the books that they had retrieved from Varric. It used to be Malcolm's and it had a lot of notes in it. He had apparently been keeping a close eye on all of his children to see any signs of magical talent. Anders had come to greatly admire a man that he had never even met. He had defied the templars for love, just as his daughter had done. Marian had on several occasions told Anders that he reminded her of her father. Anders had to chuckle when Freddy's words came to mind _"Daughters who adore their fathers, always choose men just like him."_ He looked at Marian who was asleep.

"Oh, love. You were so damaged before I even met you. Is it wrong of me to be grateful for that?" He whispered lovingly.

He put his hand to her forehead. She had been sick for most of the journey. She had a fever, her body had been aching and she had nausea. He wanted to heal her, but the ship was so cramped with people that he could not do it without being noticed. Instead he had made sure that she drank plenty of fluids and given her some herbs. She was doing a little better, but he had already decided that they should stay with Bethany and Fenris for a few days for her to recover. On the inside he cringed at the thought of being cooped up in the same house as Fenris again. They still had a strong detest for each other even after living in the same house for a year. They had learned to ignore rather than respect each other. Anders doubted that would ever change, but when it came to the Hawke sisters and their children at least they had a common agenda. They would give anything for their safety even thought they strongly disagreed on how to accomplish this. Anders still believed he was ensuring their safety by freeing mages and Fenris still believed it should be achieved by hiding. His trail of thought was broken when one of the sailors came down in the hold and shouted.

"We are preparing to dock in Highever port. Gather you things and prepare to unload!"

Anders looked at Marian with regret. She had hardly slept during the journey and the thought of waking her broke his heart. He tried to take comfort in the fact that in an hour she would be resting in a proper bed. He kissed her brow and said in a gentle voice.

"Wake up, love. We are here."

Marian opened her eyes and had a pained expression on her face. She was clearly not feeling well. Anders stroked her face with the tips of his fingers and then started to gather their things.

They had gotten off the ship with no trouble and were now almost at Bethany and Fenris' house. Marian looked pale and Anders was getting increasingly worried about her. The whole way through the town she had been leaning on him unable to stand on her own. Last time he had seen her like this was when she had the flu back in Kirkwall. She had spent two weeks in bed and it had nearly driven her mad. When they got to the house it was the early hours of the morning, so Anders was relieved when he saw a light burning in the window. The last thing he wanted was to wake Fenris, as he was a particularly nasty morning person. Though if he only applied this attitude towards Anders or everyone in general, he hadn't really noticed. When they reached the door Marian nearly collapsed, making Anders knock a little harder on the door than he intended. Fenris opened the door with an angry expression on his face, but it quickly softened when he saw Marian barely standing supported by Anders. Bethany showed up in the door.

"Fenris, what is happening? Sister..." She gasped and Fenris helped to support Marian who was barely conscious.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you. She has been sick almost since we left Kirkwall." Anders explained.

"Oh, you poor dear. Let us get her in bed quickly. I'm glad that you are both otherwise unharmed." Bethany smiled and they led Marian to the spare bedroom. It was the only spare bedroom, so this was also where Lilly had been staying. She awoke when they opened the door and she jumped out of her bed and ran to Anders giving him a hug. She then noticed Marian as Fenris carried her to the bed.

"What's wrong with mother?"

"She is sick. It's not serious she just needs rest." Anders explained. They heard baby Carver started to cry.

"I'd better go check on him." Bethany said.

"No, I'll do it. You can help Hawke." Fenris smiled and Bethany gave him a kiss on his cheek. Anders asked Bethany to make some tea, hopefully they could get Marian to take some. Lilly stood next to the bed and stroked Marian's hair as Anders removed the outer layer of clothing. He then pulled the covers over her and started to heal her, when Lilly interrupted.

"Can I try?"

"Sure, come here and stand in front of me." Anders placed his hands gently around Lilly's wrists and guided her hands as they gave a light glow.

"Now, close your eyes. Try to feel the energy coming from her body, can you feel the heat?"

"Yes."

"Good... Now try to follow the energy. You must use the natural flow of the body always pushing the energy towards the heart. Pay attention to the natural flow of the energy and see if you can feel any resistance."

He guided her hands hovering over Marian's body, when Lilly held them in place at her chest.

"Here... there is something wrong in her chest."

"Does is feel powerful?"

"No just hot." She gave him a hesitant look.

"Very good, Lilly. Her lungs and throat are inflamed. There is an infection in her body, now we need to cleanse it." Anders explained.

"How do I do that?"

"Close your eyes again and place your hands above the place where you feel the most resistance. Focus your own energy and imagine light coming from your hands and embrace that area."

Much faster than Anders had anticipated Lilly's hands began to glow and the magic went from her little hands and sunk into Marian's chest. Only a few moments after her breath became much easier. Anders could feel it beginning to strain on Lilly.

"You can stop now, sweetheart."

Lilly slowly made her magic retreat and fell backwards into Anders' arms. She gave a sigh of exhaustion and yawned. Anders supported her while guiding her to the other side of the bed and made her lie down.

"How did I do?" Lilly asked with a drowsy expression on her face.

"You did wonderfully. Now get some rest my little healer." He smiled kindly and her eyes, though tired, were glowing with pride as she heard the word "healer". Anders looked at them both as they slept. He was surprised how strong Lilly was and how quickly her powers were manifesting. There were still so many things unknown about spirit possession and how to undo it. He would know. He did spend three years in Kirkwall researching it. He had really intended to find a way to undo his merging with Justice, but in the end the cause of mages was more important. As long as his family couldn't be safe, the cause of mages would always come first.

-OOO-

They were two days behind them, but they had finally tracked Anders and Hawke to Highever. Sebastian cursed himself. He should just have killed Anders then and be done with it, but he wanted to show the world and the mages that no one could escape the wrath of the Maker. It would not be fitting to kill Anders like he was a random thug. It was men like him that was the reason that the Maker had turned his back on them twice. Sebastian thanked the Maker that he had been able to secure Anders' phylactery before the fall of the circles. The only thing that had kept him from getting to Anders before now was that he had not been able to set a foot on Ferelden soil without being noticed. Even though he had wanted Anders found he did not entrust it to anyone, but himself. It was because of the phylactery that they had found him that evening in the camp. He knew that Marian would come to defend those she considered innocents and Anders would defend her with his dying breath. The love between those two made them easy to predict. Love? Is that what he would call it? This perverted obsession she had with this mage. Unable to see him for the monster the rest of the world had recognized him to be. Had she only recognized the purity of his own love for her, he might have been able to save her from that murderer´s influence. He had even warned her about the abomination, but she had not heeded it. The phylactery was glowing strongly as they passed a house. This had to be where they were staying. They would wait for nightfall and then justice would finally be rightfully done.

-OOO-

Anders awoke abruptly be the sound of Marian being chocked, but as his eyes opened he felt an arrowhead pressed directly at his throat. He saw Marian being held on her knees while a man had a blade pressed against her neck. Anger was clearly written on her face as she gritted her teeth and tears of rage streaming down her face. He couldn't see Lilly anywhere and hoped that meant she had escaped.

"I told you there was nowhere for you to hide! I was foolish last time we met I will not make that mistake again." Sebastian spat standing at the foot of the bed.

"Let Marian go, Sebastian. She has nothing to do with this." Anders argued and Sebastian gave him a deadly stare.

"She has **everything** to do with this! Without her you would not have been able to kill Elthina. Without her you would not have been able to hide from the templars in Kirkwall. Without her true justice would have been done and you would have died when you destroyed the chantry!"

"Sebastian, don't do this." Marian pleaded fearing more for Anders' life than her own.

"He manipulated you! He lied to you! He betrayed you! And still you defend him. You have been deceived by him and can no longer see reason, but by the will of the Maker I will make you see."

Anders saw Sebastian walking through the room and forcing a brutal kiss on Marian's lips. She wanted to spit in his face, but the dagger at her throat prevented any kind of movement. Justice began raging inside him. He could feel his pulse quickening like a war-drum, his heavy breath feeling like fire and his muscles tightening as if it was breaking invisible chains around his body. This was the rage that transformed Justice into Vengeance. It felt invigorating, empowering and terrifying at the same time. It consumed him and all coherent thought was lost. He saw nothing, but his enemies and felt nothing but his rage. There was no love, no hope, no mercy... only the overpowering fury that led his movements like a feral beast mercilessly hunting its prey. His mouth could taste the sweet flavour of their blood before he had even begun his attack. This was when Justice became Vengeance and blue cracks formed over his entire body and his eyes became those of someone or something else. At moments like this neither Anders or Justice existed, but only hate, rage and survival at all costs. The arm of Vengeance reached up and snapped the neck of the archer pressing the arrowhead to his throat and only a last minute shift of his body allowed the arrow to grace his neck rather than pierce it. Unspeakable horror was shown on the faces of the henchmen, Sebastian and even Marian. The blue glow on his chest was mixing with his own blood flowing from his neck. Sebastian raised his bow and readied an arrow.

"My cause is righteous!" He growled as the arrow was released from the bow and went directly towards Anders face. Marian was screaming in agony. Then a bright blue light surrounded the entire room and Marian felt the knife fall from her neck as she felt a pulsing energy embracing the room. Sebastian and Marian opened their eyes after the light started to dissipate and saw a blue barrier surrounding Anders.

"You will not hurt him!" A childlike voice declared and in front of Anders stood a little girl her eyes and body glowing blue cracks as a white shining light illuminated from them. The henchmen were knocked out on the floor. Marian had never seen anyone this powerful or with this much control. Lilly could have killed all of them, but instead she had controlled the spirits' power and made a conscious decision to let them live. Her strength quickly faded and the barrier fell.

"Maker have mercy... How could you do this to a child you monster?!" Sebastian roared and then pointed an arrow at Lilly.

"Maker, please forgive your children. I will pray for you little one." He released the arrow, but Justice pushed Lilly aside and the arrow hit his chest. He made an almost feral cry of pain and anger as he quickly dragged the arrow back out. He then turned to Sebastian and placed both hands around his neck.

"You will never threaten another mage or my family again!" Justice roared as he began to strangle him.

"Father... let him go... please." Lilly or Empathy put her hand on his arm and Justice looked down at her. The confusion written all over his face, but he finally released Sebastian who fell gasping to the ground. Marian was awestruck. Justice was still in control and normally it was only because Anders regained control that he would stop. But this time it was Justice that stopped... Justice had shown mercy. Lilly hugged Justice and after kissing her head he retreated and Anders regained control. She then placed both hands over his wound and healed it. Lilly then went slowly towards Sebastian who was still gasping, but as she got closer he crawled backwards in fear.

"Please... I won't hurt you. Let me heal you." She smiled, but Anders placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Sweetheart be careful." He warned.

"It's alright, father. He won't hurt me."

Sebastian looked at Anders with confusion and horror. The abomination had a child? He looked at Lilly who smiled at him kindly with the innocence one could only expect from a child. He let her approach him and she placed her hand gently at his throat instantly stopping his cough.

"You are so angry... You are in pain." Lilly stated empathy's glow still embracing her.

"Your **father**, is a murderer. I have come to bring justice and to end my suffering." He said with an angry voice. He felt a certain amount of satisfaction as he saw Anders face. He had clearly not told this child who he really was.

"He destroyed a house of the Maker, killing everyone inside. Even El..."

"Elthina... I know. He did it to ensure the future of those he loved."

"He **destroyed** the lives of those he claimed to love!" Sebastian spat as he looked at Marian.

"Only chaos can make way for peace and there was no peace. What he did was just as right and wrong as your desire to avenge your family."

"I... I protected my right and my life. He is a coldblooded murderer!" Sebastian answered, but as the words left his mouth they seemed oddly hollow.

"As did he... You are wrong to assume that he did it in cold blood... give me your hand." She reached for his hand and after a minutes hesitation he gave it to her. She then reached for Anders' hand who gave it to her without hesitation though he gave her a puzzled look. She wrapped both men's hands between her own and a glowing light started to emanate from her hands. What looked like vines of light began to "grow" from her hands and entangle themselves up both men's arms. Both stared at the little girl before they seemed to enter a state of trance. Marian felt a tear fall from her eyes. She had never seen anything so beautiful. The door sprung open and Fenris entered, his tattoos glowing and fury written all over his face. Blood was dripping from his gauntlets. Lilly, Sebastian and Anders seemed undisturbed. Fenris looked at the men on the floor and an expression of confusion replaced his fury.

"What happened?"

"Sebastian came to kill Anders and I believe me as well, but Lilly stopped them. Is Bethany and Carver alright? You are covered in blood." Marian looked at Fenris with an unreadable expression.

"They are fine. We were not attacked by as large a number as you were... Lilly is an abomination." He stated more calmly than Marian had expected.

"Please don't call her that, though I expected you to be more upset about it."

Fenris sighed.

"I think I have become accustomed to things like this happening. How long have they been linked?" He pointed at Lilly, Anders and Sebastian.

"A few moments... Do you know what she is doing?"

"I've heard of it once. It is said that a spirit medium can establish a link that allows people to share past experiences. It would allow the ancient Tevinters to gain knowledge and experience more quickly. I was under the impression it was forgotten magic. "

The vines started to retreat back and the light faded. Both men fell slightly backwards, but managed to keep their footing. Lilly fell to the ground and Empathy would have retreated. Marian and Anders both quickly got to her side and Anders examined her.

"Is she alright?"

"She will be... she tired herself out." Anders stroked her head.

He then lifted her up into his arms and sat on the bed cradling her with her head resting on his shoulder. Sebastian's face was confused and tears were flowing from his eyes.

"What happened?" Marian asked as she gently stroked Lilly's hair.

"She made us feel each other's emotions and experiences during the chantry explosion... I know you will never be able to forgive me Sebastian, but I only did it because I felt I had no choice. I hope you finally believe that I didn't take any pleasure in it." Anders looked at Sebastian whose expression was still in deep confusion and despair.

"I know... I never realised how desperate the situation truly was, but I will never condone it. I cannot forgive and I cannot let you walk free... I." He reached for his bow and shivering he aimed at Anders' head. Expecting Marian to interfere Anders casted a paralysing glyph on her.

"It's alright, love. He has a right for justice."

Before she could protest, she saw a blue glow, but this time coming from Fenris who had his fist planted deeply inside Sebastian's chest. Bethany entered the room with the child on her arm, but even so she ignited a flame in her hand and stood beside Fenris. Her hand was close enough to Sebastian's face for some of his hairs to become singed. Fenris' eyes were deadly and in a low terrifying growl he said.

"Your trap has failed, Sebastian. I suggest you get out of here while you still can, but make no mistake... Threaten my family again and no force in all of Thedas will protect you from me."

The fear in Sebastian's eyes was unmistakeable. His whole world had been shattered and nothing made sense to him anymore. He quickly woke his surviving men and ran, leaving behind Anders' phylactery in the process. Anders looked at Fenris with a grin.

"Fenris... I didn't know you cared."

"I don't." He grumbled and went to stroke Lilly's hair and Marian gave him a teasing smile.

"She is cute for an abomination isn't she... Perhaps she doesn't look so terrifying."

"They never do." Fenris stated, but gave a smile as he placed a small kiss on Lilly's forehead. He then took Carver from Bethany's grasp and walked out the room. Anders sighed heavily.

"He will never see us as anything but monsters."

"Maybe not... But he has begun to recognise you as family and he will protect us all to the bitter end." Bethany smiled and followed him out the room.


	31. Chapter 31 A beginning

A beginning

They were almost back at Soldiers Peak. Lilly had remembered nothing of what happened that night with Sebastian and Anders considered that a blessing. He had seen the true powers of Lilly's abilities and she had used them with mercy and wisdom. He might have failed his own spirit, but the training he gave Lilly was working and he would make sure he didn't fail hers. He had decided that when he got the time he would study the ritual that Empathy performed that night, to get a better understanding of it. It had been incredibly confusing and disconcerting to feel Sebastian's emotions. Anders had always felt a bitterness towards Elthina and hated her hesitant behaviour. Now he found himself admiring her kindness and even regretted taking her life. He had always regretted spilling the blood of innocents, but it wasn't until now that he truly felt that loss. For the first time he felt sorry for Sebastian and surprisingly so did Justice. For the first time since he and Justice merged he had shown mercy. Though this was encouraging Anders knew that it was only by chance that he had not killed Sebastian. If he was to lose control without Marian or (Maker forbid it to be necessary again) Lilly being present, there would be no stopping his rampage until it had run its cause.

It had been five days since they arrived in Highever and Marian was still feeling unwell. The infection from her body was gone, but she was still fatigued. Walking through the tunnels and up to the higher altitudes was not improving her condition. Marian was supported by his right arm as Lilly held his left hand. Numerous times he had wanted Marian to rest, but she insisted on keeping moving. Anders gave a sigh of relief when they reached Soldier's Peak. They had been gone for over a month so some new faces had arrived. It was nice to see that the operation had continued while they were away. However as soon as they got inside Anders felt the burden of being near the top of a command structure and had to be briefed and follow up on the latest development from the mage underground. Marian and Lilly retreated to their quarters greeted by both cats and Barkley. Anna had taken good care of them while they had been away. Marian was still feeling tired and went to bed.

She was awoken by Anders gently caressing her face. As he cupped her cheek she placed her hand on top of his and gave a squeeze.

"Are you feeling any better, love?"

"I don't feel sick, just tired."

"Well, I brought you some soup, but perhaps I'd better give you a check up first. Your usual healer is down stairs playing with some of the other children." He smiled fondly and Marian gave a small chuckle.

"She is improving fast isn't she?"

"Yes, she is. But it will still be years before she can properly heal wounds and serious injuries without drawing strength from Empathy... and I will not encourage that."

His hands began glowing and he ran them over her neck and down over her chest to see if there was any of the infection left. He smiled. Lilly had done a good job. Normally he wouldn't have allowed her to heal, but Marian's illness hadn't been serious and she needed the training. As he went further down over her abdomen he felt a spark. His heart skipped a beat and he could feel his body shivering slightly. Then another spark. Marian looked at him.

"What's wrong?"

He gave her a bright smile and kissed her.

"You're pregnant."

"Pregnant? But I haven't taken the potion." She looked at him with confusion.

"I know, but I have been taking mine. It must have been enough." He chuckled with delight as Marian gasped. She then gave a loud happy squeal before throwing herself at him with a kiss that made him fall backwards unto the bed. She then lifted off him slightly and looked down at him with a serious face.

"Are you happy?"

"Very." He smiled and stroked her face lovingly.

"And Justice? This will be a distraction you know. The cause of mages needs you and ..." He put a finger to her lips to silence her.

"You **are** the cause of mages. You and our children. I think Justice is finally beginning to realise that. You are my family and my family is the reason I fight."

"You sound like so much like father." She smiled sadly. Anders didn't have to ask - he knew she was sad that neither her father or mother would be able to see their grandchildren. He sat up and embraced her as he kissed her hair.

"Thank you." He whispered into her hair.

"For what?"

"Loving me."

She looked up into his eyes and saw the brown eyes lightly covered in blue sparks.

"Always." She replied as she kissed them.

-OOO-

"Damn it, Finn. Where did you put those papers?" Anders grumbled to himself while going through the lab. When Anders and Finn had taken over Avernassus lab they had made some changes. Not to mention cleaning the place up. Finn was a neurotic, neat freak to put it mildly. This meant that the lab was always in order, but he had the irritating habit of reorganizing things without informing Anders. This more often than not resulted in Anders using valuable time on just finding the things he needed for his research. Today he had neither the time nor the patience for it. Unfortunately Finn was somewhere else in the keep training some of the younger mages they had recently rescued.

"Aha found it!" He cheered to himself.

"Found what?"

He turned around and saw Anna and Alistair standing in the doorway. He gave them a bright smile.

"You better sit down before I tell you."

"I hate when you say that. I have learned to always expect the worst when it comes to you." Alistair said teasingly as they sat down and Anna giggled. It was nice to see her when Alistair was around. She always seemed much happier. Anders placed two potions on the table, one large and one small.

"What are those?" Alistair asked.

"This is what is going to ensure you get an heir to your throne." Anders smiled and then chuckled when Anna's jaw dropped.

"You found a way? You found a way!" She jumped from her chair and embraced Anders while Alistair was still sitting on his chair too dumbfounded to talk.

"Are you sure it will work?" Anna then asked.

"Yes, Marian is expecting this summer."

"Anders... that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you." She smiled.

"Yes... I just wish I could offer them more." He said solemnly and Anna put her hands on his shoulders.

"We are helping the world to change. You are offering your family a whole new world where they will be accepted and loved for who they are and not feared for what they are. "

Anders returned her smile and Alistair finally seemed to have gathered his thoughts. He smiled brightly hugging Anna, but then gave Anders a serious look.

"What about the taint?" Anders' face turned serious.

"This potion will prevent you, Alistair, from passing on the taint, unfortunately the taint will still be passed from Anna. I'm sorry, but there is no way to prevent that. However it will only be a small amount meaning that the child will have the double lifetime expectation compared to when a warden takes his joining."

Anna nodded sadly as did Alistair.

"Finn and I will continue to do research into extending a wardens lifetime. After what Avernassus accomplished it should be possible, but how long it will take I have no idea." Anders continued and a little happiness returned to Anna's face. She hugged him and said in a low voice:

"Thank you for giving us all hope. Not only Alistair and I, but the wardens and mages as well. Thank you Anders and Justice."

Anders smiled and left the two lovers to discuss what to do. He returned to check on his wife and found her lying on the couch with Lilly's hands placed on Marian's stomach. She gave a huge sigh and sat down with her arms crossed.

"I can't feel anything!" She grumbled and Anders laughed. She turned to see Anders and her face lightened a bit.

"Perhaps father can help you?" Marian suggested.

Anders smiled and guided Lilly's hands to the right spot. Her face lit up.

"I felt it!" She said in excitement and both Ander and Marian chuckled.

"Damn mages... I'm the one carrying it and I don't get to feel it." Marian fake pouted and Anders laughed.

"Sorry, sweetheart." He said before kissing her.

"So what are we going to call them?" Lilly asked with a big smile.

"Them? What do you mean them?" Marian said as she sat up.

"You are carrying twins, love." Anders gave a smirk and she slapped him on the arm. He then made a face that made Lilly giggle.

"And when were you planning on telling me this?"

"Now apparently." He teased and she slapped him again.

"I want a sister and a brother." Lilly declared as if her wanting it made it so.

"I can't promise you that. We will just have to wait and see." Anders smiled and pulled both of them into a hug.

-OOO- That Autumn -OOO-

It was now three years since they fled Kirkwall on Isabela's ship. They had lost contact with people that they had known for years, they were still in hiding and war was roaming all over Thedas. This just made it even more important to value family. Bethany and Fenris were the only ones allowed to know of their current home at Soldier's Peak. They were having a harvest feast at the keep with the wardens. Marian looked at the table where her family was sitting. Carver had just started walking and Lilly was walking cautiously behind him making sure to catch him should he fall. Anders was sitting with one of the twins on his arm while talking to Fenris and they actually made each other laugh from time to time. As long as the children were around they pushed aside their loathing for one another. Bethany was fawning over the other twin. Lilly had not gotten her wish for both a brother and sister, but had gotten two identical sisters with brown eyes and brown hair. Anders had been so proud when they were born and often talked about how he had the four most beautiful girls in all of Thedas. She looked around and saw some of the mages they had helped, a few of them were families who were seeking temporary refuge. There were so many happy faces and Marian's heart swelled with joy. She went to sit down next to Anders and rested her head on his shoulder. He kissed her on top of her head.

"Are you alright, love?" He asked concerned.

"Perfectly." She smiled and kissed him.

Outside war was raging and it might be decades before Thedas would be at peace again. They could win or lose this war, but under all circumstances it would bring about change. Who knew what the future would bring, but at least in this little part of Thedas things had changed. At least here there was a place where mages could live without fear. And they would continue to fight until mages in all of Thedas had the same liberty.

-OOO- -OOO- -OOO- -OOO- -OOO- -OOO- -OOO-

_Authors note: I just wanted to thank the people following this story and the reviewers. I enjoyed writing it and hope that you enjoyed it. I have been thinking about making a sequel if anyone is interested. Hugs from Cowoline_


	32. Chapter 32 Daughters of the Fade

Hey guys.

Just wanted those of you who followed this story know, that I have started on the continuation. This might take longer to write, so have patience with me. Hope you will enjoy it and thank you for your support.

Hugs Cowoline


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